Adam's first day of Senior year, fingers crossed

Today is Adam's first day of school, his Senior year.  Last year, understandably, didn't go so well.  He didn't start doing really well until this summer, and it was wonderful.  But now.  Back to school.  And all the anxieties that accompany it.  And we all know that Adam doesn't do well with anxiety.  I had a talk with him about my concerns with his mental health and he was argumentative at first but then I think he started to understand me.  He wants all the freedoms that other kids his age have, but I just can't give them all to him when I don't know whether he will make good or not so good choices with those freedoms.  Which REALLY bugs him.  And I understand that but what can I do?  This bipolar!  What a rotten thing.  I asked him to give me two weeks to see how he does, and then we will talk about him getting an off-campus pass, etc.  I reminded him that there was a time last year when he wasn't even allowed to drive to school, and that now he had that freedom back.  I think he got it.  I hope he got it!  This will be the test.  I have been praying hard for us to be able to get him regulated and healthy so that he can serve a mission.  I have been fasting and praying so hard for help in finding the right meds, in finding the right therapist and psychiatrist.  I am literally laying my faith at the Lord's feet and begging for help.  We have basically one year to get this all figured out if Adam is going to be able to serve his mission when he (and we) wants to.  I think he can do it, if he is medicated properly.  If he is like he was this summer, then I think he will be fine with it.  But this summer was a no-stress, no-anxiety summer.
Agh, I am worried.  Like always, I am worried.

School starts!

Well, here we are at the beginning of another school year.  Adam will start next Wed, and he is a SENIOR!!!  Blows my mind.  Totally different situation than when Meg was a senior - man, she acted like an adult and it was the best year of our lives, to date.  I LOVED that year!  Remembering that school year, the cross country and track meets, the BYU-Provo acceptance, the fun friendship between Meg and Adam and the casual teenage firepit and guitar nights, graduation, our trip to England...it was the best.  Sometimes I cry, missing that school year.  But I digress.
So anyway, with Adam being a senior and all, he isn't going to know until the first day of school what supplies he will need, and even then, it certainly won't be colored pencils and glue sticks.  I am also still homeschooling Sam and Sophie this year.  So all these ads about school supplies and new school clothes, and people posting pictures of their kids going back to school on FB...I am not getting any of that.  I have to be honest.  I miss that and I am feeling a loss.  I've been asking the young ones if they wouldn't rather go back to public school and they say a resounding "NO!"  And it is just as well.  Public school pretty much stinks in every way.  Some schools are better than others but they are all required to teach certain standards, some of which are just offensive.  And they are full of immodestly dressed kids and language that I just don't want my kids exposed to.  So on a theoretical level, I am totally supportive and even excited about homeschooling.  But I miss that school shopping and first day of school excitement.  I considered taking pictures of my kids in pajamas for their first day of school pictures.  But that might give people the idea that we are lazy about school and we are anything but lazy!!!  A lot of my homeschooling friends are groaning about school starting again.  I kind of feel that way too, except that I found a bunch of super-cool enrichment classes for them and that will resolve the boredom that we experienced last year.  So that excites me.
Maybe I should take them school shopping anyway.  Surely they will need some supplies.  Any supplies!  Clothes, not so much.  Maybe just a new pair of pajamas.

21 years!

Twenty-one years ago today, I married the man of my dreams.  Yesterday, I was reading in my old journal from my Study Abroad year (looking for something I could copy and send to Meg, since that period of time was filled with homesickness and struggle in a foreign land) and stumbled on the journal entry from the day I met Chad (this was about 10 months after I got back from Vienna).  I had spent months bemoaning the fact that I hadn't really dated anyone that I was remotely interested in for a long time.  Anatomy was my favorite class because it was fascinating, and also because there was this guy in there that I caught staring at me often.  It was creepy and intriguing at the same time.  One day he walked out of class behind me and we started talking.  He walked me to the library, talking the whole time.  He was nice, and I could tell that he was interested in me.  Which made me feel good.  A few days later, he found me in the library, we talked for an hour, he made me laugh so much, and then I gave him my number.  He called me after Thanksgiving and we got together at my sister Kay's house for a "study date".  We didn't study at all.  We talked and talked and talked for over 5 hours.  And then out of nowhere, we kissed...I have to admit it was the best kiss I'd ever had and I knew in that moment that I was in big trouble.  I could have predicted that night that we would be getting married someday, but there was that part of me that wanted a sign from God that Chad was the right man for me.  Its funny...after dating for 8 months and getting engaged twice, I didn't get that undeniable confirmation until I was standing in the Celestial room of the L.A. temple the day before we were sealed.  I saw him in his temple whites, and I had an overwhelming feeling that he was my eternal companion and that we would be together forever.  It was a joy to marry Chad and be sealed to him for eternity.
Since then, we have had a lot of ups and downs in our marriage, just like everyone else.  We have laughed, fought, cried both with joy and sorrow, struggled through challenges that we thought we would never overcome.  We made it through 10 years of college and advanced degrees, while having 3 kids (our 4th came along right after graduation).  We are raising those kids together.  We are supporting each other as we are serving Heavenly Father.  We go back to the L.A. temple together and look into the room where we were sealed, and we are happy.  21 years of togetherness.  Marriage...not always easy, but always worth it.  I love you, Chad.   

Sad letters

We started getting snail mail letters from Meg, which were written during her first and second weeks in Fiji.  She was so homesick then.  It was hard for her to adjust to a completely new culture and language, and her companion was hardly helpful.  In fact, she sounds like a bit of a nightmare.  My heart has been aching so bad for Meg!  Anytime she has been sad in the past, I would wrap my arms around her and give her loving pep-talks.  She would do the same to me when I was sad.  We have been best friends for years now, but especially during her HS years when she had basically no social life.  These snail mail letters are a bit more raw than the emailed ones.  I think because she was writing them in the moment, not just on P-day when she knew her letter would be put on her blog.  I can imagine how she felt, I have been that homesick before.  I felt that when I was on a 7 month Study Abroad in Austria.  The first few weeks there were so bad - I seriously thought I was going to die.  I felt physically ill.  I didn't want to wake up in the mornings because then I would find that I was still there.  It was awful for about 2-3 weeks, and then I started to recognize the grand adventure that I was on.  I knew I would probably never make it back there again, and so I began to absorb that language and culture and appreciate the things I was seeing.  It got easier then.  I tried to warn Meg about that kind of homesickness but I don't think she really took me seriously.  Anyway, I am not surprised that she has been this homesick, I just hate that she is going through it.  I need to look through my Study Abroad journal and find some pages that she will identify with.  Maybe that will help.
Anyway, I am homesick for Meg too.  For the first time since she left, I really broke down on Saturday, and again today.  I am seriously a lousy missionary mom.  I don't tell her about it, but this is the hardest thing I have ever done...and I've been through some pretty hard things.  But on the other hand, I am seeing so many amazing blessings.  Like, miracles.  So I should be super happy, and I am most of the time.  It just slams me sometimes and I struggle.  I hope that when Meg starts having a better experience in Fiji, then it will be easier for me too.  And holy cow, I want the time to go by so much faster!!!  But here is the quandary.  The faster the time goes, the sooner Adam will be gone too.  If he continues to be stable like he is now, then he will definitely be able to serve a mission.  In less than a year.  Nobody ever talks about how the mom feels about having 2 missionaries out at the same time.  I can tell you, I am going to be a mess again!  Especially because of Adam's bipolar!  At least I am pretty sure they won't send him foreign.  That will make it easier!
All of that said, I know that the sacrifice brings blessings.  I know that Meg is growing and becoming the person that her Heavenly Father wants her to be...the woman that will be a strong and faithful wife and mother.  And when the time comes for Adam, I know that he will learn the gospel and mature into an honorable and valiant holder of the Priesthood like the sons of Helaman.  Like the prophet that he was named for.  As a mother, this is the very best that I could hope for, for my children.  So the sacrifice is worth it.  Let me bawl a little bit, it will be worth it.