First day back on the pavement

I went to the hematologist yesterday and got my hemoglobin count - praise the Lord, it was 11.3!  Almost in the normal range!  Which means I was cleared to run.  So I decided to take it easy this morning and I ran a mile.  It felt pretty good.  I had a hard time breathing, but then, I am pretty out of shape.  No dizziness.  But the best thing of all is that I RAN A HILL WITHOUT STOPPING!!!  It feels like a miracle.  The last time I ran that same hill, I had to stop after about 25 yards and walk it.  I felt like I was going to pass out and die right there on the road.  And I came back home and crashed on the couch and slept for 30 min before I could even take a shower.  And then I crashed on the couch again and slept/watched 19 Kids and Counting all day.  So you see why I am so happy!  I'm on my way back!!!

I'm having a really hard time...

…not decorating the house for Christmas.  I feel like Target!  Too soon!  Give Thanksgiving its fair share in the season!  And Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I am usually defensive on its behalf.  But Thanksgiving will be kind of anticlimactic this year because we aren't going to New Harmony for the traditional big family reunion weekend.  I will miss that so much!  Plus who the heck will I cook for?  My kids would rather eat pizza.  Chad's lucky I invited the Sister missionaries.  At least 3 people will enjoy the turkey!
Anyway, I don't know if it is just that Meg will be coming home so early in December and has requested that we have the house all decorated and magical.  Or that we will be hosting a bunch of Christmas parties and I'm already feeling stress (I've been thinking about those parties for a month now).  Or that I am so filled with anticipation for having the whole family together again, AND with Adam stable!  I guess that last one is probably it.  Christmas just isn't the same without Meg.  She brings the music into the whole holiday, and organizes a beautiful Christmas Eve FHE - last year, without her, was kind of pathetic.  Of course it didn't help that Adam was in a REALLY BAD place and there was so much tension in the house (Sorry, Mike and Dawn, that you had to experience that! Wish you could be here this year!).  No matter how high my expectations are, this year can't help but be an improvement!
Also I am excited to decorate my new house for the holiday.  We'll have two Christmas trees, and I am totally changing the style of one of them, we're going more rustic to match my kitchen and family room.  I think it will be beautiful.
And, confession time.  Sophie and I have been singing Christmas carols in the car.  We are working on harmonies.  Is that so wrong?  :)
Counting the days!

Weird weight loss

My hemoglobin count is stubbornly staying under 9, in spite of two iron infusions (however, the doctor was encouraged that my red blood cells weren't as "shriveled" as they had been…"they're starting to plump up").  But the doctor says it will take time so I just have to be patient.  But here's the weird thing.  

In spite of the cells plumping up, I am losing weight!  I'm not trying.  But I am down 4 lbs in the past couple of weeks.  126 - haven't weighed that since about 5 months after my wedding.  The nurse asked me what I was doing to lose weight (I have to weigh in every time I go) and I just had to shrug.  The only thing I can figure is that I am getting more energy back and so I am moving around more and eating less??  Anyway, I feel like I am getting plenty to eat, so that isn't the problem.  I don't know.  But if this keeps up, I'm going to have to go clothes shopping again…(eye roll)…oh bummer!

I don't care if I have to have iron infusions once a month for the rest of my life, the bypass surgery and the results of it are SO WORTH IT! I'm living a dream.  I spent my entire life gaining, losing, gaining, losing, gaining, gaining, gaining.  I hated the scale with a passion.  Everywhere I went, I felt like people were looking and talking behind my back.  Like I didn't measure up.  Like I wanted to hide.  The insecurity and lack of self esteem were sometimes overwhelming.  Wow, it is miraculous to not feel that way anymore (well, mostly.  sometimes I go back there without thinking)!  I still have depression and sadness sometimes, and worry almost constantly over the dang kids, but I don't eat it away like I used to.  I can't.  I feel like garbage if I do!  But I don't miss it at all.  I really don't.  

This morning I woke up wanting to get out and at least walk.  THIS IS SUCH A GOOD SIGN!  So I think I'll head out for a little while.  :)

  

First iron infusion

Well, due to insurance stuff, I didn't get my first infusion until yesterday.  It was a weird experience.  I was the youngest one there, and most of the other people were there getting infusions of chemotherapy.  It was sad.  I just kept thinking, this could be so much worse!  And I wondered what kind of cancer they all had.  I hope I will never have to go to one of those infusion labs for any other reason than iron. So I sat there for 1 1/2 hrs with a needle in my arm and felt that pleasant cold tingle of fluid flowing into my veins.  I've about had it with needles, I'm telling you.  Next time I go in (next week), I will only have to stay for 30 min.  But they had to do a loading dose this time and then observe me for adverse reactions for awhile.  I felt dizzy but I think that had to do with the needles.
No magical rush of energy.  In fact, there was no difference at all.  But this morning!  I am happier, and more excited for the day.  I slept like a slug.  I don't know what my hemoglobin level is today but it must be higher because I'm feeling better.  And I cannot even begin to tell you how happy that makes me!  I'm still not allowed to do much for another two weeks, but if this gets me off the couch and feeling more upbeat, then I can wait for the rest.
And the ablation went well, the recovery was not hard and didn't require a lot of pain meds at all.  I am just excited to not have periods anymore!  I'll save some money on feminine supplies, that's for sure!
As I do more and more research, and talk to the hematologist more, I am realizing just how serious this has been for me.  Normal hemoglobin levels for women range from 12 to 18.  For the past month, since we tested for it the first time, my level has bounced between 8.3 and 8.9.  If you hit 8.0, they hospitalize you and do a blood transfusion, no questions asked.  The problem is the lack of red blood cells, which carry oxygen to all the organs.  Especially the brain and the heart.  I have been at high risk of heart attack and stroke.  I have worked with 4 different doctors on this problem.  All of them have ordered me to stay down and not do anything to increase my heart rate at all.  Even so, while I was driving on the freeway last week, I very nearly passed out and had to pull off for 30 min to rest.  I have spent most of the past month on the couch, watching "19 Kids and Counting" (say what you want, those Duggars are just good people) and "Say Yes to the Dress".  But trying to hold myself together in spite of zero energy, depression, and insomnia.  I feel for my family. Even a tiny improvement is a big deal for me!
Two weeks.  In two weeks I should be just about back to normal.  Yeah!  Here's hoping for no complications!

And, we finally got Meg's final travel itinerary, she will be arriving home on Dec. 4 at 11:25am at LAX.  I can't believe it is finally here!  So happy, and so excited to have energy again so I can get ready for her.

Dying of anemia, what?

Remember last post when I complained about how painful my runs have gotten?  And how I wasn't sure I was going to be able to run that half marathon I signed up for?  Turns out that I am not the loser that I thought I was.  I'm not out of shape.  I am severely anemic.  I had a full blood test last week and when the results came back, my doctor called me and started quizzing me all about bleeding - when I told him I have really heavy periods, he said, "call your OB/GYN, you need a hysterectomy."  Which scared me to death.  Anyway, after visiting various doctors, I am scheduled for an iron infusion tomorrow and uterine ablation surgery on Friday.  My doctor ordered me to stop running for at least a month.  I can't even run up my stairs.  The low hemoglobin really taxes your heart, and he said that I could pass out at any time.  Worst case scenario, heart attack.  Watch out for that anemia, its a doozy.  I just can't wait for everything to level out.  I want to feel good again.

Still so blessed

Its been awhile, I know.  But I've only had a few things going on to keep me busy so…

This new house is a dream come true.  Honestly.  I know how blessed we are and exactly where all our blessings come from.  We are grateful to our Father in Heaven and try our very hardest to serve Him in every way we can.  We don't know exactly why He has blessed us so much but we are more grateful than words can express.
So anyway, we are super house-poor but its worth it.  It feels so great to own the house we're living in!  It feels so great to be able to make any changes we want and to be able to decorate however we want.  And not have to worry about waiting on some landlord to fix things…if I never rent again, it will be too soon!  (Plus our landlord tried to stick it to us on our deposit, it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of and we threatened small claims court because we discovered that they had broken a few laws.  We got most of it back then.  But it is a long story)
Also this house is just so beautiful.  I could not have designed a better floor plan and I love it!  We are putting in the front and side yards right now, and leaving the back for a year from now.  Nobody swims in the winter anyway!  When it all gets finished, I will post some pictures.  If I can take any decent ones.

Adam - wellll, he has had some ups.  I can't say downs, because he has only been a bit manic.  Funny how that bipolar usually shows up as mania now.  I know he did go through a pretty bad depression but for the past 6 months or so, he has been manic.  We had it all under control until we moved, and all that stress tipped him over the edge.  Then we immediately took him up to college…I fully expected him to go manic with all that HUGE change, and he did.  I was a basket case at first, but all the plans that we made before leaving worked and we got him all stabilized long distance.  He is doing great now.  Except that the increased meds make him so sleepy in the mornings…he has missed some classes and exams…I check his email now and again, because I am a stalker-mom, and I saw that he had written emails to his teachers telling them about the bipolar and meds and asking if he could make up the exams.  He even got a letter from his doctor to show the teachers.  He hadn't told me about any of that and I was pretty upset because I figured it was just a typical college student, staying up too late and sleeping in.  I knew I needed to talk to him about it, maybe even get after him about it, but I have to admit that I was pretty impressed that he had taken care of it all on his own and his letters to his teachers were very well-written.  Anyway, I decided to pray about how to handle it and waited for a few hours for the answer to come.  I felt prompted to just ask him about side effects and how his meds were working, and hope he would take the chance to tell me all about it.  I did not approach him in anger.  It was super effective, and he told me about all of it on his own, and I praised him for the way he handled it and we had one of the best conversations that we've had in a very long time!  I was so grateful for the Lord's guidance in the way to approach him!  But the results are, now I am back to waking him up every morning, long distance.  Criminy.  If it wasn't a med thing, I would be mad about it because he is a big boy now.  But he can't really control it so here I go.  I suspect that I will be playing the mommy role in Adam's life for a very long time.  But its a small thing, and since I'm up already, not a big deal.  Plus, it allows me to keep in touch with him more than I was before…we actually went days without communicating at all (I was trying to give him some space).  I have to say that I have actually done better than I thought I would.  So some big blessings there!  I realize that since I am the one person in Adam's life who knows him and can recognize in minutes if he is having a bipolar episode, and I am not with him, he is probably going to go manic a lot without me being able to fix it.  I am having to deal with this.  But frankly, as long as he isn't making life-changing bad choices, I guess he's ok.  I have had to turn it over to the Lord, and while it has tested my faith, I am happy with the results.  Adam is super active in his ward.  He is attending institute, sings in the institute choir, and goes to all the devotionals and firesides.  He has a girlfriend in his ward, and SHE IS A MORMON!  This is a relief, Adam hasn't had very good taste in girls.  He said that I would like her.  And he knows how picky I am.  The girl, as well as all of Adam's roomies, know about his bipolar and are keeping an eye on him.  That worked out better than I expected (even though one of the roommates is gay.  but he is the one who is the most helpful and compassionate so maybe that is meant to be too.  I'm not going to judge)
And man, this house gets quiet.  Sam is going to NPHS now so he is gone most of the day, and Sophie and I are the only ones at home.  We are having a good time.  Sophie is a good homeschooler.  She is a self-starter most of the time and I don't have to nag her much.  She takes pride in her work.  Also I have signed her up for a bunch of enrichment classes so she is getting lots of social too.  She likes it and so do I.
Sam is doing great at public high school.  He is still very socially awkward but he is learning.  He loves seminary and I have never once had to get him up for it.  He is the complete opposite of Adam, and has said that he wants it that way.  He is determined to have perfect attendance at seminary (WHY?).  Anyway, I am proud of him.  He is also super happy with choir.  He even decided to join Men's Chorus which meets at lunch.  I'm excited for him to be part of the choir program.  It is great!
Also, Chad.  That man has amazed me, he is so skilled at just about everything!  He put in our entire entertainment system, including surround sound.  He installed custom closets.  He is currently building our coffee table (we searched all over the place to find one the right size…unsuccessful).  He has had one project after another - and one Saturday a few weeks ago, he just took the day off (first one since we moved).  He said he felt lazy and wanted to accomplish something…so he decided to try his hand at cooking.  Made enchiladas from scratch.  They were delicious!!!  Something tells me he won't be doing much of that in future but at least we know he can, haha!   I love that man.  He is so talented!
Meg has started her final countdown.  She only has 9 weeks left!  She is tired but finishing strong.  I am so proud of her!  But I am excited to get her home so I can pamper her a bit.  She needs a good rest.

I am training for a half marathon in Nov.  It has been so hard.  These past few weeks, it was all I could do to get out and run 4 miles…and the hills have absolutely KILLED me!  And my breathing has been terrible - for the first time in my life, I felt like an asthmatic, like no matter how deeply I sucked in the air, I couldn't get enough.  Then when I get home, I usually crash on the couch and die for most of the day.  I have been so discouraged. And then I realized that I am probably super low in my B vitamins because bypass patients can't absorb any B vitamins from food.  I hadn't been taking my supplements because they taste like the most bitter poison ever, and you have to let it dissolve under the tongue!  So I looked up the symptoms of low B-12 and what do you know?  Extreme fatigue, muscle soreness and weakness, shortness of breath.  Needless to say, I started taking my supplements again.  And I scheduled a B-12 shot next week.  I really hope it helps, running has hurt so bad that it has killed all my joy.  I seriously dread going out there.  It makes me want to cry.  So I am hoping that this improves everything and QUICKLY!  I only have 4 weeks left!

So there you go, you're all caught up.  Long post!

Oh, holy overwhelming August!

So here's what I have been doing the past month: packing, hosting 4 different sets of out of state company (ok, to be honest, most of them were super helpful and I was grateful to have them visit), packing some more, putting together an epic moving sale, moving, cleaning, unpacking, hanging like a bazillion curtains, shopping for decor items, unpacking some more, organizing, calling utilities and sitting on hold for HOURS (and I am NOT exaggerating!), cussing at Verizon (because we had no internet, cell, or TV for a week after we moved in), getting Adam all packed and ready for dorm move-in, driving to UT to get Adam all scheduled and set up for school, then saying goodbye and driving back home, still unpacking, having landscaping installed.  And all the emotions (stress, anxiety) of those events.  To put it bluntly, I am exhausted, with no relief in sight.  Because school starts for Sam and Sophie this week and I have to jump into homeschooling again.  Plus I have no excuses anymore for neglecting my calling, so back to YW.

But.  I am feeling SO BLESSED!  I can't believe we have our dream house.  It was such a trauma-filled experience, getting this place, and I still don't know how we did it.  Truly the biggest roller coaster I've ever experienced.  It was a series of miracles!  Plus, Adam!  Other than some minor manic behavior, he is doing awesome!  Jumping into the social stuff with both feet, making a ton of friends, and getting geared up for classes that start tomorrow.  He is so happy!  I can't believe how big that miracle is.  Just makes my heart melt/sing.  And I am not as big of a mess as I thought I would be, which is so great.  Maybe because I have not had a spare minute to think about it…but so far, so good.

   

The young and the not so young

This weekend was a big one for the Wright men.  Adam wanted to go skydiving for his 18th birthday, and since I took Megan to England for hers, how could I say no, it was a lot cheaper!  Chad was so on board with the idea.  He has been wanting to go skydiving for years.  But the real surprise was the addition of Chad's dad, Mike (Grandpa W).  So there were 3 generations of Wrights jumping out of the plane on Saturday!  Mike is 73 years old.  You have to give him huge props for going skydiving.  

I am proud of him!  

Each had different reactions to the whole experience.  Adam immediately texted me and said, "I want to work here!  I am so doing this again with Meg when she gets home!"(ah, youth), Chad said, "It was intense!  I am glad I did it and I don't feel like I have to do it again." Mike said,  "I'm glad I did it but I'm glad its over."  All three men came home and went straight to bed for a nice long nap.

Chad's mom and dad were in town for a totally different reason.  Chad was called to be our ward High Priest group leader, and as such, needed to be ordained to the office of High Priest.  It was so special that his dad could come down to do that ordination.  That's the way it should be, and 

it means a lot to us that they would come.  

But for Chad to be a High Priest!  It's crazy!  He is so young.  Most High Priests are older and much more seasoned Priesthood holders.  At this date, Chad is the youngest High Priest in our ward.  Neither one of us can figure out what the heck the Bishop was thinking when he suggested Chad for this calling.  There are plenty of fantastic High Priests that could fill that calling.  It is puzzling, doesn't make sense.  When we were meeting with the Stake President, I asked him why they would call someone who wasn't already a High Priest to this calling, and he shrugged and said, "It was inspired.  Your Bishop prayed about it, we (stake presidency) prayed about it, and the high council had to approve your name too."  So there you go.  We just have to assume the Lord knows what He is doing.  I have no doubt that Chad will be able to fill this calling well, but he just feels a little like a whipper-snapper.  And then he went and called our former stake president to be his first assistant!  That took some guts.  Kind of a strange choice, but Chad said he felt inspired.  I'm telling you, the Lord works in mysterious ways.  None of it makes sense to me but I'm not going to worry about it anymore.  Its not up to me to counsel the Lord!

But the most important thing I have to say about Chad becoming a High Priest is that I support his Priesthood 100%.  I have always felt that men need the Priesthood to give them something higher to live up to.  To help them perfect themselves. Most men are total knuckleheads (at best).  This is why auto insurance is more expensive for men than women.  In general, they are not good drivers, they are too crazy.  Also that whole "natural man" thing - I believe that this life is the time for men to overcome their natural man tendencies, and frankly, the Priesthood helps with this.  Women don't have those same challenges, and we have different strengths and talents that are inherent to our gender.  We don't need the Priesthood to help perfect ourselves, most of us are pretty motivated to do that on our own.  I don't want the Priesthood for myself, I don't need it.  But I will support the Priesthood that my sons and my husband hold, and I will support them as they exercise it.  And I am grateful for its power in my home.  

All of it.  Teacher, Priest, and High Priest.

        

Mormon Feminist Bloggers and philosophy of religion

There is a certain blogger (whose name I will not write because I'm not a fan anymore) that has frustrated me.  You may wonder why I let one blogging woman affect my mood, and I wonder that myself, but the truth is that the things she blogs about seem to be the new (or maybe not so new) thing amongst younger LDS women.  And of course, she is super concerned about the Young Women in the church who might be feeling suffocated or angry about the gospel teachings and NEED MORE.  That's where it gets my attention and REALLY ANNOYS ME!  Because I am a counselor in the YW presidency in my ward and I take my calling seriously.  Plus, I have two daughters.  And I sure wouldn't want any of them influenced by this woman and others who feel like she does!

I consider women who think they need more religious philosophy and less gospel doctrine to be prideful and immature.  There, I said it.  If they made a serious study of the Book of Mormon and other scriptures, conference talks, prayer, and temple attendance, they would understand that there is a depth to the doctrines of the gospel that is enough for anyone!  I have heard these women complain that the doctrines of the gospel that the church leaders present are lightweight and "milk instead of meat". "One size fits all", "not enough for a Progressive Woman, or a Mormon Feminist".  What are they talking about?  Every time I read the Book of Mormon, or attend the temple, I learn something different, because in that moment, I am experiencing a different challenge than the last time I read or attended.  I don't have to turn to alternative sources to find religious enlightenment.  And I am not a stupid lemming of a woman.  I have self-respect, an education, and I don't run along behind men everywhere I go.  The difference, I think, is humility and maturity.

In the past 10 years, I have had challenges that changed my life and rocked my world.  Like most people.  I'll tell you, I have been humbled!  And that humility has sent me straight to my knees.  I have prayed harder than I ever prayed before, and I have had my prayers answered in marvelous ways.  Including through scripture study and listening to the voice of the prophet.  I have had spiritual experiences in the temple that are sacred to me and gave more knowledge and understanding (more "meat") than any other single source.  One of the definitions of humility is being teachable.  This is what I have become, and my teachers are my Heavenly Father, His Son, and His representatives on this earth.  And of course, my challenges.  I learn a lot from my challenges.  These "progressive" women are walking a fine line in thinking they need more than that.  Maybe what they need are more challenges!

      

Newbury Park Youth Conference 2014

Today is the day after Youth Conference and I can barely move.  Our stake did a Pioneer Trek this year and Chad and I were asked to be a "Ma and Pa" - chaperones.  We had 11 children.
As far as the chaperoning went, we had a pretty great gig.  Our only complications were these:  One daughter kept taking off to hang out with another family (boy), and taking her pioneer skirt off (leggings underneath, little turkey), but even after all the reminders to put it back on and come back to the family, she was not upset.  Her heart was right, so I just gave her love.  It worked out ok.  One son wouldn't touch the handcart and all he did the whole time was walk along and mutter (but that wasn't a big deal).  One daughter kept having physical complaints so that she could ride in the medic truck (but then a kid broke his collarbone and opted to stay at YC, so he got the medic truck, and she found him to be annoying so she miraculously healed).  She was also the one who woke me up at 2am to walk her to the latrines because she was afraid of bears.  But she had a good attitude throughout the whole thing and I have to say that on the second day when she was miraculously feeling better, she pulled her own weight.  And those were our only chaperoning issues.  EASY!  I feel blessed with the kids we got.  The remaining 8 kids were fantastic in every way.  Except for a lot of complaining, but who can blame them?  I murmured too.  We've been raised in a different time.

The Trek was organized by a professional trekking company owned and operated by the Riley family of Riley Farms.  Two brothers run a huge ranch.  One is a member of the church, and his side of the ranch does Pioneer Treks.  The other brother is very inactive, and he runs weddings, and civil/revolutionary war reenactments.  They have their whole family involved, and have found some real characters to act out the parts of Brigham Young, Porter Rockwell, and other people from Church History.  When we weren't pulling handcarts, we learned all about church history and life in those times.  The history buff in me was fascinated.

Because we only had 2 days for this Trek, they crammed every single minute full of experiences.  We did not have time for all the niceties of Youth Conference - no getting to know you games, parties, or down time.  It was go, go, go.  The first day, we left the church at 6:00am and rode for two hours on school buses.  When we got there, they split us up into families and we got all our stuff loaded on the handcart.  Paint buckets full of clothes and gear, and sleeping bags for everyone.  It was pretty heavy but the guys in our family took on the pulling and the girls did most of the pushing.  There were a few hills but it was all doable.  A lot of stopping while carts ahead of ours (and us, a few times) had to re-load stuff that had fallen out of the cart (I came up with a better system involving lashing a tarp around it all).

We had lunch and then came to a big pond, which was supposed to be the Sweetwater River.  "Captain Riley" - the guy who runs the place, gave us a talk about the boys carrying people across the river, and told the story of the three 18 year old boys who were part of the rescue party that went out to get the Martin Handcart Company, and carried the starving and dying people across the freezing Sweetwater River…those boys eventually all died as a result of that act of service.  Brigham Young cried when he found out about those boys and proclaimed that they had earned their place in the Celestial Kingdom with that act.  Well, one of those boys was named C. Allen Huntington, and Chad is related to him.  Which means Sam is related to him too, and he was inspired by that story.  Ended up carrying a girl or two across that "River", after pulling the cart across it.  Chad rolled up his pants and pulled the cart over, and as for me, I walked around it on dry ground.  (after all, it was only a pond in real life)  Call me a cheater, I didn't want to get dropped in the water.

About a half mile later, word came back that we needed to unload all our carts because we had come to "Hole in the Rock" and the carts would have to be lowered into a ravine and pulled back out of it, reloaded, and move out again.  Chad and our boys kind of took that one on, although we women ended up pulling the cart out of the ravine while the boys were helping others.

Then we pulled again for another half mile and ended up at our camp for the night - where we parked our carts and had dinner.  And then there was a hoe-down.  We were exhausted and tried to get everyone to bed as soon as we could…difficult because half of our kids went off to sleep with friends that weren't in our family and didn't tell us.  The boys were in buggy barracks that were separated from the girls, who slept on a grassy field under the stars.  The stars were beautiful.  Other than the girl waking me up at 2am to go to the latrine, it was an uneventful night.  Cold, though.  95 degrees during the day, 50 degrees at night.  I wrapped my ground cover tarp around my sleeping bag, that helped with the cold.  All part of the experience, right?
One of the most annoying things about this experience was the dirt.  The trails consisted of fine dirt that was almost sand, and rocks.  When following behind the carts, the dust would choke you and cake on every body part.  That night I got out my wet wipes and wiped down my face - when I looked at the wipe, I was shocked at how dirty it was!  My legs and feet were even worse.  My pioneer clothes that I worked so hard on were FILTHY.  I could feel that dirt all over me and it itched.  I just had to do the best I could with the wet wipes.  Somebody found some soap and put it next to the spigot where we filled our water bottles…it was like Christmas!  Seriously.

The next day, after breakfast and a talk by Captain Riley and Brigham Young, we lost all our men to the Mormon Battalion.  As they left, the girls and women gathered together and sang "God be with you til we meet again".  It was really touching, and I admit, I teared up.  I knew what was coming…we women were going to have to pull/push that stinking cart up and down some hills and based on how little work we had done the previous day, I didn't know how we were going to do it.  We got started and I'm not going to lie, it was hard.  Especially when we looked up on the ridge on our left and saw the men climbing down - we thought they were coming to help us.  Some of them did show up but they weren't allowed to help us, they just watched while we struggled.  When I saw Chad coming back, I was so happy!  Funny, but just seeing him gave me extra strength.
I think the worst part of this sisters-pull was the disorganization.  Getting the carts up the hill required help from everyone, and it took awhile to figure out that some of the sisters were going to have to leave their carts behind to help the others ahead to get to the top, and then go back for their own.  Of course, there was the downhill too, which also required extra help.  We had to pull back like crazy in order to keep the cart from running away and dragging all of us with it.  And crashing into the cart in front of us.  I think I hated the downhills worst.  My toes got hammered on the downhill.  They still hurt!
The guys didn't like watching us but not being able to help.  Eventually they just started cheering for us and calling out encouragement.  We sang "As Sisters in Zion" and other songs while we pulled and that was fun.

When we finally made it, we got rewarded with lunch.  Little did we know what was coming next!  Testimony Hill, about 1 mile of straight uphill.  Steep enough that you couldn't ride a bike up it, and walking felt more like climbing a ladder.  It was beastly! This was supposed to represent Rocky Ridge, that awful mountain that killed a ton of the members of the Martin and Willie Handcart companies.  The night after they pulled their carts to the top of that ridge was the most deadly night of the whole trek.  Many of those people, who were already starving, freezing, and weak, just worked themselves to death.  They got to the top, collapsed, and died right there. What kind of determination and endurance did it take to do that?  To keep going and going until it cost you your life?

I helped pull somebody else's cart to the mid-point, and then raced back down to pull our own.  There was such a back up and people were in such a hurry to get up that stinking hill.  I took the crossbar along with our Stake YW pres.  We got about 1/3 of the way up and she started voicing my thoughts -  "We have to stop and rest.  I can't take one step further!  Please can we rest?"  Of course, everyone kept telling us that we couldn't stop until the halfway point, or we would just start rolling back down.  My feet couldn't get purchase in the sand and I kept slipping and falling to my knees.  Not good when pulling at the crossbar.  We took a breather at the halfway point and then quickly started again.  I didn't want to push again, in fact, I looked around to see if there was anyone else who could take my place at the crossbar.  My sweet son Sam stepped inside  and joined myself and another girl from our family (YW pres. moved to the back, I don't blame her!) At that point, the trail got even steeper.  I didn't look up at the trail, I just looked at the dirt where I was putting my feet, and tried to pick spots to step that would be safe.  It was horrible.  My arms and legs were already tired and sore from those other hills with the sisters, and this seemed like torture.  People were lining the trail encouraging us.  It didn't help!  It was like pulling a 500lb weight up a ladder.  Only without real steps.  I can't explain it any better than that.

When we got to the top, I thought I was going to collapse.  I don't know if I am just old, or in much worse shape than I thought I was, but I couldn't catch my breath and my stomach was killing me (I think I drank too much water in too short a period of time - my tiny stomach couldn't handle it).  The heat was unbearable.  Chad found me and helped me find somewhere shady to sit while he went back and helped somebody else.  I sat there and watched these teens pull carts to the top, eat a piece of watermelon, and then run back down to pull up another one.  Sam was one of them - he pulled up 4 carts!  They were amazing.  Not one of them quit.  How easy it would have been to say, "this is stupid.  why are we doing this?  I don't have to participate in this and I am done."  But they were caught up in the spirit of the re-enactment and they didn't stop until everyone was at the top.  In fact, Brother Brigham tried to block off the trail and kept saying, "if you have already pulled up 4 carts, do not pull any more!  Get some water and rest!"  It was 98 degrees, dry, and oh that dust!  Suffocating!

After I caught my breath and started feeling a little less light-headed, I just stood there hugging Chad.  It was easy to imagine what it would have been like to be a pioneer, and how much we would be depending on each other to get through the hard stuff.  It was such an intense two days.  When our Bishop talked about it in church the day after, he said that it was hell.  Over the pulpit, he said Hell.  And that was accurate.

After everybody got rested, we had another chat with Brother Brigham, yes, he said, "this is the place".  Then we pulled our carts to Zion.  NOBODY wanted to pull that cart again.  Even thought it was only about 800yds.  When we finally got to the lawn, we just dropped our darn cart and walked away…to the bathroom, to drinks, and shade.  Then we had a testimony meeting.  Now this was an interesting phenomenon.  I had listened to those kids complain like crazy the entire time we were there.  Some were louder than others, but all of them complained.  They were justified.  What kind of youth conference just about kills you?  I was kind of scared to hear what they would say - I wondered if this trek was an epic fail.  But they surprised me…and what do you know, they got it.  They bore wonderful testimonies!  There is depth to this generation that I did not know was there.  It was amazing to see.  It made me feel so great!  Sam was one of the first ones to bear his testimony.  It was so cool to see that he got it too, even though he is young (barely turned 14 in time to go) and very immature.  After he bore his testimony, he came over and sat on the ground with his head against my side.  He was exhausted too.  The testimony meeting was almost 2 hours long!  Those are the reasons that youth leaders do what we do.  Two hours worth of kids feeling the spirit and GETTING IT.
Then we ate dinner and got on the buses and went home. Oh home, it is the best!  It took me TWO SHOWERS to get all the dirt off my body.  I don't think I've ever been that dirty before…

So yeah, that was an intense two days.  And I was surprised, because even though I was a leader, and the youth conference was for the kids, I learned just as much as they did.
1) I learned how much I depend on my husband.  I flat out could not have done this trek without him.  Not just physically, although that was huge.  But emotionally.  His support and love made me stronger and able to handle more.  If I had been one of those pioneers whose husband died on the trail, I don't know if I would have wanted to continue without him.  Plus, Chad was just a good looking pioneer guy!  He was pretty great to have around, haha.

2)  I identified with my pioneer forebears on a totally different level.  I have always loved the history and inspiring stories about the pioneers, but this trek gave me a small taste of their lives and it was hard!  I don't know how they did it.  I said that about a million times during those two days, and I still mean it.  Of course, everyone says that they were born in a different time, and we have our own challenges to face that are less physical but just as hard...and all that…but the truth is, I think we are spoiled.  I think our day and age is much easier.  I know I couldn't have done what they did.  Maybe they couldn't do what I do now…but I don't know about that.  They were amazing.  The only thing that makes sense to me is that they had a faith like no one else.  They had been abused for their faith, and they weren't going to hang around to get abused anymore.  They wanted peace and Zion so badly that they were willing to go through hell.  And I am hoping that the Lord really did send them physical tender mercies…angels to help push the carts from behind.  My heart breaks to think of them going through something like that all alone.  It didn't happen that way, I am sure of it!  The Lord blessed them for their faith.  And it makes me want to be better, do better, so that I can earn a place with them in the next life.
3) Our youth.  Wow.  I got to know them in different ways - it seems like when you are having to work hard together, the true personalities come out.  I will never look at those kids the same again.  There were a few that I had some negative feelings about…not anymore.  Pretty fantastic young people!  It made me laugh - the next day (Sunday), I was talking to two of the biggest complainers, and both of them said, "It was awful, and I hated it while I was doing it, but I wouldn't have wanted to miss that trek!  It was one of the best experiences I've ever had!"  And they meant it.

I feel the same way.

Graduations, Birthday, and Father's Day.

  

Letter from Adam to Megan

I did some mommy-stalking the other day and found this in Adam's Sent Mail file.  Tears!

HEY MEGAN!!!!!

Sorry about the crazy format, saving paper, making the letter easier to fold.

As of today, I have 5 real school days left. After this week, technically, I still have school, but its just graduation practice. I’M FREAKING GRADUATING!!!! I’m sending you a copy of my grad announcement so you can see how cool I am. I actually haven’t really played my guitar for about 8 months. This is something I regret but haven’t done anything about cause I’m too lazy =/ I need to play again. I’ve been biking a lot lately though, mostly mountain biking. I’ve gained plenty more scars from that, super fun.

Now choir. We just had our last concert of the year last night. I can’t remember if I’ve told you already – I think I haven’t – but I tried out for a solo (only seniors were allowed to do that stuff for this concert) I did You Found Me by The Fray. I didn’t get in because apparently I didn’t have enough on-stage experience. And yet he had me do a solo in one of our choir songs Somebody To Love. Ya know, the one from Happy Feet? I’m not sure why he had me do that and not You Found Me, cause a couple of the other solos didn’t sound that good at all. I think he had me do this because I’m one of the few senior boys who can hit those high notes, and/or he wanted every senior to have SOMEthing in the concert. Whatever. Sarge is crazy. He seriously is. The first concert on Thursday everything went great except one thing. Somebody To Love. First one of the other guy soloists doing the song with me totally screwed up and it messed with the timing of that whole section of the song. That’s what set me off. I messed up too. It was so embarrassing and I literally felt like I was going to die. Everyone was pretty nice about it, most didn’t say anything about me messing up, just complimented me. But there was one chic that said nothing but rude things, being really sarcastic and jerky. Needless to say that ruined the whole night for me. After that, I wanted to die. After it was all over, I got out of there as fast as I could. Mom talked to me, trying to make me feel better, but it didn’t help much. But hey, at least it wasn’t the Friday performance. Those are way more serious, a lot more people show up, and they record the performance that night. Both days of the concert were about the seniors and them leaving, but Friday was the one where the names were read off, the alumni came up, a slideshow was shown, and more. This one was a much bigger deal. Well everything went perfect and it was great. Lots of the girls were crying and everyone was freaking out mid-song at the end. It was pretty emotional and there were hugs going all over the place. I felt kinda out of place though cause I’ve only been in concert for a year and was the only senior that was like that. After that we sang the Alma Mater and that was it. Everyone socialized for awhile after but since I didn’t have crazy friendships with almost all of them I just grabbed my stuff and met fam and nyal out front. Forgot to bring my yearbook to that which was lame, but ill just bring it to choir tomorrow morning as it’s the last choir meeting/practice of the year (seniors don’t have to go but most if not all probably will cause of yearbooks and saying goodbye and stuff).

Enough about all that. I haven’t had any changes in medication in about a month and a half. This is reeeeeally good cause it means we’re finding the right combo of meds for me and I’m stabilized (or close enough to seem like it to everyone else). This was something I was a little worried about for college and whatnot but everything’s just falling into place. I’ve been doing really well in all aspects.

So I’m graduating on June 13, and since Sam’s birthday is the next day, we’re both going to this airsoft field that I found about 45 minutes away. Out door field. This is awesome. The only out door field that I knew about before this was about an hour and 45 minutes away, so this was an excellent find. Then sometime after that I’m going skydiving with dad. That’s gonna be great. I’m not going to youth conference here in Newbury cause I feel like I’d just get really annoyed at everyone and it’s a 1-day trek. Lame. So I’m doing youth conference with Nyal. We’re setting up a special Olympics which I’m really excited about. Maybe we’ll see Michael our cuz there.

So the college plan is this: already been accepted into the dorms which are co-ed (mom’s nervous about that but I just laugh at her), still don’t know who my roommate is which annoys me cause I actually don’t even know much about SUU which is lame. Move-in date is August 16, orientation the 18 and right after that I can register for classes. I think school starts a week later. I’ve got a 12-a-week meal plan, which is nice cause it allows for some variety. I assume I’ll be getting a laptop like you, definitely Apple. And because I’ll be getting a laptop I plan on asking for a smart-phone for my birthday (definitely not an iPhone cause from my research, they’re some of the most technologically inferior of all smart phones on the market. I’m asking for a galaxy phone). So I’ll be getting through my required classes this year but I’m majoring in Criminal Justice as I believe I’ve already told you. After graduating with that degree though, I will either go to grad school, not sure about the major, but still considering it, or doing an internship in DC for the CIA.  Woof crazy plans but I think I can do it. Mom says she’ll miss me a lot for my handyman skills. I can fix almost anything and have done a lot around the house. She wants me to train Sam before I go.

So anywayz. Girls. I’ve been single since last early November I think and I have had no problem with that whatsoever. I’ve definitely grown out of that girl-crazy Adam you used to know. That doesn’t mean I don’t have minor crushes on select girls here and there, but I have no desire to do anything about it. I even have some friends in choir who are girls who I am closer to than any other choir member and it’s no big deal at all. Just good friends, no feelings whatsoever. ISN’T THAT WEIRD?????? I don’t think I’ve ever been like that with girls…well except with XXXXX (name changed to protect the innocent) but whatever. I didn’t go to prom cause I couldn’t find anyone in our stake I felt comfortable asking. It’s not like I didn’t want to go with someone I didn’t have feelings for, I just wanted it to be someone I knew and could have fun with. So nobody. How lame is that. But it came and went without drama or problems so whatever. I’m really happy about this attitude I have about girls because it dramatically decreases the potential for heartbreak (which I’ve had plenty of) and makes it easy for me to say no until my mission. I am certain that my college friends (assuming I’ll get some, which I’m somewhat confident I will) will try to set me up, but I’ll just date as friends, no intentions of going anywhere. No clue when I’ll get married though. HA.

Mission. So from what I’ve learned and heard, I will most likely not be serving a full time mission. Which needless to say, I’m a little bummed about, but (and this is cool) mom talked to the head missionary department dude IN THE WHOLE CHURCH, Elder Evans (apparently he’s the dad of someone in our ward). He took down mom’s number and gave it to the head doctor dude in the mission department who then called mom and they had a conversation about my options. Bipolar 1 people aren’t allowed to serve a mission period. I’m bipolar 2. I’m on a lot of meds, have been hospitalized, etc,etc. The church has to be very careful of these kinds of things because of all the problems they’ve had with missionaries with mental illnesses. So this guy told mom that I will most likely be serving a modified mission, which could mean serving around home, working in family history, temple square, service mission, and even being a veil worker in the temple. Ultimately this choice is up to bishop and stake president, but they will be doing a lot of research to decide. And even though they are the ones choosing what I’ll be doing (to an extent from what I know. The missionary dept obviously will have a lot of say in it) I’ll still be most likely serving in a modified mission, which I completely am ok with. I will be happy to serve any mission. I want to serve the Lord. So, lots to look forward to.

I am super excited to see you too when you get back. It’s getting closer and closer!! But don’t get trunky. Go hard until the end. I really liked your last letter that you sent about the Huntingtons. Mom confirmed that they were indeed our ancestors. I am so very proud to be a descendent of these marvelous men and will indeed work hard to live up to that standard.

You be good, ya hear?? Be careful with your health. It’s more of a deal than you realize, and you shouldn’t try to downsize these things. Just give us pure, emotionless facts and descriptions. We’ll try not to freak out about it, but we WILL act on it if COMPLETELY necessary. Don’t worry about worrying us, that’s our job. Just worry about being completely able to do your duty. If you’re cooped up in your apartment or in a hospital you wont be able to serve! And you are there to serve. Think of it that way!! You are so amazing. Realize how crazy awesome you have been dealing with all these problems and crazy situations. You are so brave. You do whatever you can to do your duty. You have no idea the effects it will have on your life. You will look back on this with such wonderful memories that you will have for the rest of your life.

I love you Megan. Remember that you do have a guy back home waiting for you, and this one wont Dear John you. I’ve changed a lot, you probably wont recognize who I am at first, but I have changed for the way better.

Love your ever strong and faithful brother,

Adam Huntington Wright

Stepping out of denial hurts!

First of all, I don't know who even reads this blog anymore but I am sorry for being such a complainer lately. My life is actually fantastic in many ways, and I acknowledge that! But there is heartbreak mixed in and today I just need to get this off my chest. Call it journal therapy. Sometimes it just helps to write something down. So you may want to click off of here, just fair warning. I have feelings that are all over the place. I'm trying to get them all gathered up and organized. Its going to be ugly.


Yesterday, I got a call from Elder Schweitzer of the Seventy, who is the head medical dude on the church's missionary committee. You may wonder how/why I was speaking to a General Authority! No, I did not call Salt Lake to try to pull strings or go over anybody's head. I don't believe in that.

Here's the background:

The YW secretary that I serve with is the daughter of Elder Evans of the Seventy, who is the head of the church's missionary committee. Like, if it concerns missionaries, he's the man. Anyway, he was visiting Lisa this weekend and spoke in church, and it was all very awesome to have a General Authority in our ward. I started to think…I have heard so many conflicting stories about bipolars serving missions…this would be The Guy To Ask…so I asked my friend if it would be a bother to him if I asked him about it. She said go for it. So I asked. He was so nice! He said that in general, the church doesn't let bipolars serve full time missions but since he doesn't know my son or his diagnosis, he can't speak to our situation. He asked if he could have this Elder Schweitzer call me to discuss it. So he took down my name and number and I said thank you and was a little star-struck. Fast forward two days, and I got the phone call. Elder Schweitzer asked a few questions about Adam, wanted to know what meds he is on and has he ever been hospitalized. (how could I tell him no, even though it was a stupid stunt that Adam pulled to get him out of trouble for something else? on the other hand, what sane person considers spending 3 days in a mental hospital a pleasant alternative to getting in trouble for something else? so, yeah.) So even though I have had such high hopes for so long, and been praying so hard for Adam to become healthy enough to serve a mission, I knew where the conversation was going. It was just so hard to hear. No full time mission for Adam, ever. They call it being honorably excused from the obligation of serving a mission.

So, no farewell, no open house, no plaque on the wall in the foyer, nobody bragging from the pulpit about him being such a great kid that has chosen to serve the Lord for two years in spite of all his challenges, no being able to tell people where he served his mission and how it was the hardest but the best two years of his life…even though he has had the goal of serving a mission his entire life, even though he is worthy, even though he wants to serve so bad. Even though. And if I am totally honest with myself, there is also a feeling of "well, take that, all you haters who bullied my son all of those years! now he is serving a faithful full time mission! he turned out ok!" But no. And people, being people, are going to wonder.

I totally understand why, I agree that it is safer to keep a bipolar where he can have ready access to his healthcare professionals. If Adam went totally manic, and was talking a million miles a minute, he couldn't represent the church very well. And heaven forbid him getting into that angry JA phase with a companion! And missions are hard and stressful for the healthiest of missionaries (look at Megan, for heaven's sake! cruddy companions, bedbugs, scabies, boils, depression, holy cow! she has wanted to come home early many times.). So I get it. There are no bitter feelings. But this is where I say that stepping out of denial hurts. Denial was hopeful and comfortable. Reality stinks. Truth is, Adam WON'T ever live a completely normal life. He just might end up living with us as an adult. There is no guarantee of him completing college, finding a job, and having a happy family life. We HOPE he can, but hope isn't really enough. My sister said to me, "Come on, you HAD to know that Adam probably wouldn't be serving a full time mission." No, I didn't know. That's denial for you. Everybody else did. I kind of feel like an idiot.

Yes, there are other ways for Adam to serve. Elder Schweitzer recommended that we meet with our Stake President and have him start looking for alternative opportunities and have the call be as a stake missionary. Chad and I fully intend to do that. I am sure Adam still wants to serve, but it won't be the same. Who knows. We haven't told Adam yet. Maybe it will be a relief to him. I hope he doesn't lose his motivation. Serving a mission has been a goal for so long that if we take that away, I don't know what will happen. So, we'll see about that.

I am still working through this. I know that a lot of my feelings and the grieving is probably stupid and I know that Chad is already ready for me to be past this. But I am just really sad. There was one Sunday, a Ward Conference years ago when Adam was about 13. They asked all the parents of full time missionaries to stand up to be recognized. I got a little choked up, thinking about having at least two missionaries someday, and Adam saw me. He leaned over and said to me, "Don't worry mom, I'll make sure you get to stand up like that someday. I promise!" Then I really got choked up. I have never forgotten that. Through all of the crap that kid has put me through, I never forgot that. And now I have to.

Ok, and that brings up something else. All that glorification of full-time missionaries. That's painful (which is REALLY weird, since I HAVE one!). I was already feeling kind of funny every time the bishop would get up and brag on the 18 year old missionaries, since at that time, I thought Adam would be going when he was 19. It is like, the younger a boy goes, the more faithful he must be. I can't be the only mom that was feeling funny about that. And now its going to be even worse. I totally understand how an infertile woman feels. Pregancy and children are joyful! You can't find anything negative about someone having a baby! Wonderful and exciting, but for an infertile woman, so painful. Same thing with mission calls. Wonderful and exciting for the missionary and his family! But hard for someone who can't have that. I'm not wanting to take that joy away from the missionaries and their families. I feel joy for them! Its just hard when Adam can't ever have that.

Its hard to be a member of this church when you don't fit the mold. And I'll tell you one thing, I sure have learned tons about not being judgmental and having compassion for others!!!!! Nothing like not fitting the mold to humble the heck out of you! The funny thing is that I know that NOBODY can live up to that mormon ideal, everybody has some kind of dysfunction in their family, and yet there is so much judging that goes on. I wish I could put a sign on all of our backs that says, "Yes, my son/brother is not going to be serving a full time mission. No, it has nothing to do with worthiness! He is a good boy! He is just ill. So quit judging!"


All of this makes me miss Megan so much more. I have to keep reminding myself that I do have a full-time missionary! I did get that joy and excitement of opening the call with Pres. Monson's signature at the bottom, the farewell and open house and MTC and watching her learn a new language and adjust to a new culture. I will get to meet her at the airport with balloons and signs and hugs and tears and laughter. I have experienced the bittersweet feelings particular to a missionary mom. I am a member of that club. So here is another way that girl is comforting me. SO thankful for my Meg!


So what now? Well, Adam had an appt. with his psychiatrist yesterday, no med changes. Clean bill of health for heading off to college in August. Dr. said to Adam,"Ok, I am pleased with you. You are mature about managing this illness and it shows. Your meds are balanced nicely. Don't let anybody convince you to go off your meds under any circumstances, and there isn't anything you can't do." Well, there is one thing. But overall, that was a great thing to hear. So SUU, here he comes! Oh, please let him get through this first semester ok. Please please please…


This please please please 'ing is going to be a part of my life until I die. Ever hear of the 7 stages of grief?


1. SHOCK & DENIAL- check
2. PAIN & GUILT- check
3. ANGER & BARGAINING- check
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- check
5. THE UPWARD TURN- nope
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- nope
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- nope


I've got some work to do before I can get to stage 7.  I think I need to just lower my expectations and be happy for whatever he does that is normal.  Man that stinks.

Isn't it over yet?

Holy wow, I am sick of school!  This has been a tough homeschooling semester for all of us, and I am about used up.  And I am so tired of worrying about Adam making it to graduation…I can't wait for June 13!!!  He'll graduate just fine, he is getting B's in all of his classes, but having him graduate will be a huge accomplishment for all of us!  Truly an occasion to celebrate.
Anyway, because of my pushing, Sam is done with two of his subjects already and almost done with the other two.  Sophie is done with two too.  But she is behind in math, so we will probably have to work on that through the summer.  Their official last day of school is May 29th…but if they finish before then, we're starting summer the very next day!
I decided to send Sam to public high school next fall.  He hasn't been learning as well with these online classes, he is bored and gets sidetracked so easily.  No focus.  And his education is so important to us! And while I am super concerned about the atmosphere at NPHS, and the indoctrination that he will probably face, I think that Sam can make it ok.  It all depends on who he makes friends with, and I have that covered too!  I took him to try out for the school choir.  And he made it!  This is a program that Adam has participated in for the past year, and it is top-notch.  The choir director is phenomenal.  The choir wins awards every year.  And there are a lot of LDS kids in choir.  So I think it will be a great place for Sam to make friends.  It was for social reasons that I started homeschooling him in the first place, and he has a lot more confidence now.  I feel really good about it, which is funny, because if you had asked me 3 months ago, I would have said an emphatic NO WAY to public high school.  I have come full circle, but not because I am sick of homeschooling or sick of Sam!  I have fasted and prayed for months about this.  I looked into every single other option I could find - classes at the local junior college, private school, group homeschool classes…didn't feel good about any of them.  Just a stupor of thought at every turn.  I started thinking about being in the world but not of it…and hearing stories about kids who were super sheltered by their parents and as soon as they left home they went nuts and didn't know how to make it in the real world.  And I thought about Meg and when she really gained her strong testimony was during Prop 8, when she had to face so much opposition at school and stick up for her beliefs.  Then Sister Reed spoke in General Conference about pornography and she emphasized that the best way to battle it is for our youth to have strong testimonies.  And then I went to the temple, praying about it, and all I kept hearing was Eve talking about it being better to have opposition, good and bad, etc.  I then realized that the most important thing for Sam is to have a strong testimony in spite of the opposition and temptation he will be facing.  Long story short, Sam is going to have a summer of intense preparation for the evils of public high school!  Testimony boot camp, if you will!  He is a good boy without rebellion or guile.  He will be fine.  I feel good about it, and so does he.
Sophie still wants to be homeschooled, but I think that will be fine because she is young enough that I still understand her homework!  I can continue teaching her.  But I'm looking forward to the break, and I know they are too!
May 29th is also Meg's one year mark.  I am so happy to be here!  Most people will say that it went so fast!  I don't feel that way…but that's ok.  I'm just thankful to only have 6 months left until she gets home.  I'm telling you.  I can't wait to get to know the new Meg, because I know she has learned so much on her mission!  And man, Christmas this year is going to be so special!  Meg home from Fiji, Adam home from college, the family all together again in a new home.  I am looking forward to it and hoping it will end up living up to my expectations, haha!
9 more days.  9 more long days.

Mother's day

This was a fabulous weekend! I knew it would start off well because I would get to talk to my missionary.  But I was a little worried about the day of.  Mother's day last year was kind of emotional and not all of it happy.  Megan gave her farewell talk in church that day, which was wonderful and sweet and she said all kinds of great things about me which made me feel Mother's guilt because I'm positive I'm not THAT good of a mom!  But I was so proud of her.  My in-laws were here for Meg's talk, and so that made the day special too.  But Adam.  He was awful.  One of the hardest things about being around bipolar peeps is that it is so easy to base our feelings on the way they are acting or feeling.  They can sometimes say and do things that are so hurtful, yet they will argue until the day is done that they were perfectly justified in doing it.  It is hard to walk away from that.  I think that has been our hardest challenge, especially for Chad.  He takes it personally every time!  Which is easy to do.  But it doesn't help anyone!  So much easier (and healthier, really) to just chalk it up to a bipolar episode and walk away.  As sad as it is to say this, when Adam is like that, it is better to ignore him than to get into it with him.  There is no disciplining it out of him.  Its just the nature of the illness.  Ugh.

Anyway!  Adam was a totally different kid yesterday!  He was super nice to me!  Gave me a couple of hugs and said that one of the reasons that he loves me is because I have taught him the Gospel!  (tears)  He cleaned up after dinner without complaining too much!  He was nice to his siblings!  There was a moment in church, when I looked up and saw both of my sons exercising their Priesthood, and Adam smiled at me from the sacrament table, and I started to cry (more tears).  I was just so overwhelmed by a feeling of gratitude!  So blessed!  I got to talk to my beloved daughter for 4 hours!!!  She was not homesick!  There were no tears when it came time to say goodbye, because we got plenty of time together, and she was in a hurry to get ready for church, and to pick up a promising investigator.  It was a wonderful Mother's day call.  I love that kid so much and she truly is one of my besties.  Chad made me breakfast in bed and gave me earrings, and told me a million times that he loves me!  Man, he treats me so well.  And Sam and Sophie are so loving and sweet to me.  Sophie made me a super cute card and about 25 little doo-dads that she made on her Rainbow Loom.  I really felt loved all day long.  And I felt no Mother's guilt, because I earned this mother's day fair and square this year…at least with one of my kids!  Oh, it could not have been a better day.  THANK YOU, Chad, Megan, Adam, Sam, and Sophie!  And the dogs.  (Rico was glued to me all day and also snuggled up on my chest for an hour.  No he does not always do that.  Sometimes I think that dog is part human.)  

I am so thankful to be a woman.  A wife and a mother.  A daughter and a sister.  I am so thankful that the Lord blessed me with 4 wonderful children who I love more than my life!  They are all different and sometimes horrible, but they are all worth it!  Every single minute of them.  And a loving husband who spoils me.  And other mothers who set examples for me and support me.  Who listen when I need to vent and don't judge me when I am about to lose it.  I love my life and the people in it!

 

Time is draaaaaggggggiiiiinnnngggg on…and I am in a funk

Last week was one of the longest weeks I've lived through to date.  Maybe the last week of pregnancy was slower, but this was pretty bad.  It was spring break and we didn't go anywhere or really do anything at all.  The kids had dental appointments and Adam got his wisdom teeth out. We had some Germans staying with us for 5 nights (a sister missionary who served here brought her two siblings to take a tour of her mission, they were gone pretty much every day.  Not hard company, and actually quite entertaining!). Chad even took off two days and we still didn't really do anything or go anywhere.  I got a bad case of the blahs.  Sometimes a stay cation is good…but we haven't been on a vacation since Thanksgiving, and before that, since we took Meg to the MTC last May, which wasn't really a vacation.  I have missed going on vacation, especially our annual summer trip to Lake Nacimiento.  Which is not very annual anymore, we have missed it for two summers in a row, plus we sold the boat!
Life just keeps getting in the way.  But when we are out of our normal routine, with extra time on our hands, it is just boring.  I ate too much, didn't run enough, and although I haven't gained any weight (which I still can't figure out.  How have I not gained any weight?!), I feel yucky.
Plus, and this one is probably the biggest culprit of my crankiness, with the additional time on our hands, Chad and I have been sneaking into the new house, often.  They are just about done with the outside now, and so all the work is being done on the inside.  They have started locking the doors, but Chad takes a screwdriver and breaks in.  They are in the middle of staining all our wood trim - bannisters, fireplace mantles, etc.  And painting, installing baseboards, and getting ready for tile and granite.  It is looking real!  And beautiful, I love it!  AND I WANT IT DONE NOW!!!  I want to get moved!  This has been such an exciting and long process, we've been dreaming about this house for over a year now, and my impatience is breaking through in a big way!  I finally told Chad that I couldn't go to the house anymore.  It just makes me feel antsy and impatient.  Maybe just once every other week.  And I want to start packing already!  Chad keeps wanting to go furniture shopping.  This makes me nervous - how do I know what colors and sizes of furniture to buy when we aren't even living in the house yet?!  We have bought two new bedroom sets (both were on final clearance, hence the early purchase), and one sits in the garage.  Clearly he is getting impatient too!  I told him no more furniture shopping until at least 4 weeks before move-in - we can't store anything else here or we will look like a furniture store!
Also, I am frustrated with Meg.  She is being a great missionary, loving the people and learning the language.  She had her 5th baptism in March.  She is doing fantastic!  But she never answers our letters.  Never.  She writes great long letters for her blog, but never answers our specific letters.  I have sent her 4 packages in the past month (it was her birthday, and I never send one big package for fear it will get held up in customs and undelivered for some reason), and she hasn't commented on a single one of them except to say that she got them. I know how much time and effort and money goes into those packages…I see on other missionaries' blogs, pictures of the missionary with the contents of the package, and commentary on what items were inside.  Meg doesn't do that.  Its so annoying.  I have been asking her for MONTHS to let me know about the packages, and last week, I asked her 4 TIMES in the same letter (!!!) to respond about the packages.  Still nothing.  I swear, it is like she is doing it on purpose.  And I ask her other questions in my letters to her, she never answers them.  I don't know how else to express it without writing her a scorcher of a letter…and I really don't want to do that.  Maybe I should just give up.  I should probably just give up.  There were a few times when she was up at BYU that she ignored my phone calls and texts for about a week, it made me feel crappy, and Chad actually sent her a stern text about answering me.  She was just totally wrapped up in her life and kept forgetting to respond.  So I guess being wrapped up in her mission life is a good thing and I shouldn't complain.  Yep, I'm going to give up.  And to the family members who have gone to such effort and spent so much money on shipping: I hope you are getting a better response than I am!  If not, I am sorry!  But as her mother, I thank you with all of my heart for thinking of her and loving her and going out of your way to make her feel special and loved.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!
The Germans left this morning, Adam went back to seminary and school, and I am determined to get out and exercise.  Life can't help but get better, right?  As I always tell my kids when they are going nuts with waiting for birthdays and Christmas…get busy!  Time always flies by when we're busy.  Ok, starting the laundry.


  

2 steps forward, 3 steps back

Adam has been doing pretty well lately. Some bumps in the road, but we're dealing with them. It has seemed like these meds were working. Tonight, he scared me, though. Sam came in after we went to bed and said that something bad was going on with Adam. He found Adam on the floor almost in tears and shaking. Adam tried to explain to Sam what he was feeling, and the only thing he could verbalize was a feeling that everything was "huge". I went in and talked to him a little, he told me the same thing, and that he was feeling anxiety, fear, and emptiness. Hm. So I did the first thing I always do: ask if he has taken his meds. Of course he hadn't. But he was really only a few hours late. Not sure why that would affect him like this...I do suspect that it was a combination of the narcotics he has been on for pain after getting his wisdom teeth removed on Wed., getting out of his normal routine during spring break, and some stress over giving a talk tomorrow. We'll have to chase down the reasons tomorrow, he's sleeping now.
When I felt sure that Adam would be ok for the night, I leaned down, kissed him on the head, and said, "If it gets overwhelming again, get Sam, or me, or Dad. We're your family, and we love you, and you don't have to go through this alone." He said, "Ok Mom. I feel better now."  We ARE his family, and we DO love him!  I have been laying in bed thinking about that. I had this picture come into my head of the six of us - me, Chad, Megan, Adam, Sam, and Sophie - sitting in a circle sometime in the pre-existence, discussing the requirement that our family be tested HARD. And trying to decide what and which one of us. And Adam stepping up and saying, "Ok, I'll take this on. But you guys have to be there to catch me." And we all agreed. And I felt an overwhelming feeling of respect and love for that very very brave boy. Mental illness is horrible. The brain chemistry is so delicate and if it isn't perfectly balanced, the personality changes can be confusing at best, terrifying and dangerous at worst. It is so hard to have warm fuzzy feelings for someone who is acting like a jerk half of the time.  Imagine how it must feel to have such overwhelming feelings and thoughts!  Who would volunteer for this?  But when it gets tough, I need to remind myself of that picture in my head of Adam bravely saying, "Ok, I'll take this on."  I know we'll all make it through this. We're Team Wright.  We love each other. We're all taking those steps forward and backward together. We have each others' backs. And we're not ever alone!

Hey, this isn't so bad!

So last post I wrote about enduring the first 6 months of this year.  And here I am in mid-March already!  So far, so good.  Really.  Things have improved a lot!

We switched Adam to a new psychiatrist.  We loved the old one but he became increasingly harder to reach - and he rarely called back.  It was so frustrating, especially when there was a problem at the pharmacy and we needed meds quick.  I can't tell you how many times Target pharmacy has given me "loaners" - just because the dr. wasn't answering their faxes or calls.  They are pretty great at that pharmacy and we are all on a first name basis.  That's kind of pathetic.
Anyway, this new psychiatrist was shocked at the meds and dosages that Adam was on.  He immediately started to decrease the anti-depressant and introduced him to another new mood stabilizer.  And that's when a miracle began.  The rage and anger and general J-A (yes, I am trying not to out and out cuss, Sophie has called me on it enough!) behavior has all but disappeared.  Adam is still a stinking teenage boy who can't help bugging his siblings, but at least now he isn't overwhelmingly angry all the time.  And destructive.  He is actually acting happy!  He is doing homework again…and caring about his grades and his relationships with his teachers and his peers.  He is participating in life again!  And it is so nice to be able to have him walk in the room without our guards instantly going up and avoiding him like the plague.  But, of course, life can't be that simple, can it.  So we have been dealing with some minor mania…Adam has started in with the pressured speaking (a lot more speaking than is necessary, which makes him seem like a know-it-all).  And he is spending money a little too freely.  Like, he donated $50 to a political campaign.  And he bought a testosterone supplement (total fraud) to build his muscles…"without working out".  This is not like Adam.  He has always been very good with his money, especially now that we are having him pay for his own gas and entertainment.  He also approached his choir teacher and volunteered to play the guitar for one of their competition songs for their big choir competition next Friday.  Adam hasn't picked up a guitar in over a year.  As soon as he got home from that, his face was pale as a sheet, and he said, "what did I just do?" Yeah, that's mania.  Thankfully we were able to talk him into going back to his teacher and un-volunteering, haha!
He gets obsessed easily.  And he is losing weight.  Some of these things are actually a huge improvement.  He gained so much weight over the past year so the weight loss is giving him a lot more self-confidence.  So overall, things have greatly improved…but I still wouldn't call him stable.  Its always a work in progress.  We are still planning on sending him to college this fall.  We still have about 5 months to get him stable.  Still fasting and praying.

As for my maintenance.  I am eating more calories every day.  It has been very weird to be able to eat more.  And it is an experiment every day to see what and how much I can eat.  Some days I have clearly eaten too much at a sitting, or the wrong thing, and I have experienced some really bad sickness.  My GI has a tendency to act up at any given time, especially when I am running!  I feel bad, but I have had to stop running with the friends I enjoy, just because I have to stop at every public restroom along the route!  It is embarrassing.  But I am learning more every day and the beauty of it is that along this path, I have not gained an ounce.  I am still maintaining 127 lbs.  Some days I weigh in and I can't believe I haven't gained anything because I know I ate too much the day before…thank goodness for MyFitnessPal!  I live by that app.  My kids think I am on my phone too much…but the thing is that I am constantly journaling my food intake, and I don't want to miss anything!  I guess that is probably what is keeping me on track.  I have gone to the dietician and she taught me all this crazy overwhelming information about food units and how many complex carbs/simple carbs/proteins/healthy fats/etc. that I should be eating.  I tried keeping track of that for two days and it took me so long to figure it all out that I just gave up.  I am just trying to keep my proteins up and get most of my carbs from fruit and veggies, and crossing my fingers that it is ok.  So far it is working. I am still shocked every time I look at myself in the mirror.  I can't believe this is me.  But it has started to feel like the new normal - meaning, I don't feel thin, I just feel like me.  But all my life, when I have felt this way, I was fat.  Hence the mirror shock.

The homeschooling is going better, but I am still not sure what I want to do next fall.  I am afraid that the kids aren't getting the level of education they need to be prepared for college, but I am also afraid to send them to public school.  Especially Sam.  High School is awful.  The language, topics of conversation, immodesty, etc.  So you see my dilemma!  Personally, it would revolutionize my life if I could have some alone time.  But I am trying not to be selfish about this.

Meg is happy, so that makes me happy.  I am so grateful that she is halfway done.  I have always thought that I am a lousy missionary mom because I miss her so bad and want the time to pass quickly. Guilt.  But I have talked to enough moms to find out that I am not abnormal.  My feelings are legit.  It has gotten easier the longer she has been gone, but I guess that also has to do with the fact that she is so much happier now.  So immersed in the culture and the language, and she gets to be a trainer (which is actually kind of rare with the palangi sisters).  Put Meg in charge and she will whip things into shape and feel great about doing it.  I love that kid.

So.  Go March!  April will go quickly because there are a lot of holidays and things to look forward to. May is the last month of school.  June, we'll be packing for the move.  July, we'll be moving.  August, we'll be decorating the new house and putting in a yard and delivering Adam to SUU.  September, my favorite time of the year will be starting (FALL!).  October, we will be able to decorate the new house for our first holiday there.  November, Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and MEG COMES HOME!!!  And the year could quit there and I would be super happy, but no, then there is Christmas and our trip to Fiji.  Bring it on!