Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Oh, my heart!
Meg came home from BYU on Saturday. The minute she walked in the door, a whole different spirit was ushered into our home and family. There was music, and laughter, and joy. Of all the things about Meg that I have missed the most, it is the music. I can't convince anyone else in this family to sing or play their instruments. Meg sings pretty much everywhere she goes...and it is beautiful. Also, Meg is wonderful for Adam. He is at ease with her and they can be social together. Now that he is more stable, they are starting to get their friendship back, and it is a beautiful thing to see. It warms my heart and but also makes it ache that in a month, she will be gone and that musical joy will be in Fiji instead of here. I think I will cry every day. Having a missionary is so bittersweet. I love that she has such a strong testimony and wants to serve the Lord and His children. But I ache with missing her. What the heck, I am crying already and she hasn't even left. :(((
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Blessings
Last night my orthodontist hubby was recognized by a school PTA for donating $5000 worth of braces per year, to the school auction for the past 5 years. They said that he single-handedly created 2 smart classrooms. Which I assume is pretty expensive...and the funny thing is, after the dinner and awards ceremony, he was swamped by PTA people from multiple other schools who had also benefitted from the same types of donations but just hadn't formally recognized him. And Chad was just embarrassed. He never expected or wanted recognition. This experience made me start to reflect on blessings in this life. Our attitude toward donations has always been this: the Lord has seen fit to bless us, so how could we be selfish with it? And its true. Although we have had challenges, and I have complained about them here and elsewhere, overall, we have been greatly greatly blessed.
I believe that all people are "blessed" with challenges in this life so that we can be humbled, and so that we can gain strength and stamina to endure to the end. Each of us are given the challenges that are uniquely matched to our weaknesses. I have a lot of weaknesses. Self-pity, discouragement, and huge insecurities about how to be a good mom being some of them. But I find strength and encouragement in scripture study, prayer, and the love and support of wonderful people. So even in the midst of uncertainty, fear, and worry, I am overwhelmingly blessed.
Since Adam's diagnosis, I have noticed that the Lord has placed in my life one person after another who have experience with bipolar. You wouldn't believe how many people that I know who have someone in their family that is bipolar. I have been pretty shocked. He has led me to articles, support groups, even U-tube videos, that inspire me to be more active in the bipolar community. And most of all, He has given me 3 other wonderful children who, although being knuckleheads in many ways, are just joys in my life. Adam is a joy too, in a different way. When he is having a good day, and those rare moments of kindness show, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him. Which might seem kind of weird after the incredible frustration the day before of him annoying the heck out of all of us! That is patience. It is also a blessing from the Lord. Because I am not naturally a very patient person. So I am learning.
I can see that a big thing that I need to work on is counting all my blessings. Those tender mercies. I'm on board!
I believe that all people are "blessed" with challenges in this life so that we can be humbled, and so that we can gain strength and stamina to endure to the end. Each of us are given the challenges that are uniquely matched to our weaknesses. I have a lot of weaknesses. Self-pity, discouragement, and huge insecurities about how to be a good mom being some of them. But I find strength and encouragement in scripture study, prayer, and the love and support of wonderful people. So even in the midst of uncertainty, fear, and worry, I am overwhelmingly blessed.
Since Adam's diagnosis, I have noticed that the Lord has placed in my life one person after another who have experience with bipolar. You wouldn't believe how many people that I know who have someone in their family that is bipolar. I have been pretty shocked. He has led me to articles, support groups, even U-tube videos, that inspire me to be more active in the bipolar community. And most of all, He has given me 3 other wonderful children who, although being knuckleheads in many ways, are just joys in my life. Adam is a joy too, in a different way. When he is having a good day, and those rare moments of kindness show, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him. Which might seem kind of weird after the incredible frustration the day before of him annoying the heck out of all of us! That is patience. It is also a blessing from the Lord. Because I am not naturally a very patient person. So I am learning.
I can see that a big thing that I need to work on is counting all my blessings. Those tender mercies. I'm on board!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Maybe our family is just socially awkward, we should embrace it.
Have you ever noticed that your kids behave differently at home with the family, than they do out in the big bad world? My kids have been struggling with this phenomenon pretty much ever since preschool. And I just never got it! Are we cursed?
I grew up in a big family, the youngest of 6 kids. My older siblings smoothed the way for me, looked out for me, and taught me by example, both good and bad. I didn't have social problems beyond the usual ones. And once I hit high school, I really blossomed. I was a cheerleader (that was cool in those days), a gymnast, and homecoming princess my sophomore year. I dated cute football players and smart intellectuals (who were also cute). I felt well-adjusted and even...dare I say...popular. I figured that pattern would be repeated in my future family. But I saw a lot of stuff that the popular kids did to stay that way and I decided that popular wasn't that great. Plus, I didn't like to play those games. My senior year of high school was when I stopped really caring where I fit in with the crowd and did things my own way. It was incredibly freeing.
A few years later, I married a man who had been a bit socially awkward and only had a few good friends (although you would never know that now!). But he was happy and has no regrets. He stopped socially caring very early on and embraced his smarts (that really attracted me!). He has since chosen a career that requires A LOT of shmoozing and social skills. So he really knows what he is doing...but he is confident and secure regardless.
And we had 4 kids. Who, like other kids, cared very much. But they were awkward. Especially Adam, who was struggling with severe social anxiety and his bipolar disorder (although we didn't know it at the time). I remember one time, watching him get out of the car for a Cub Scout pack meeting, and he literally changed his stance, the look on his face, and the way he walked. He looked like a different kid. And every time he came home, he was complaining about the other boys giving him grief. Of course I talked to Scoutmasters, Primary teachers, teachers at school, and the parents of the other boys. But it didn't ever stop. We put the kid in 3 different elementary schools, and then home schooled him for three years. The bullying became physical - he has had two concussions, and a broken finger from other boys pushing him down. He was in therapy for two years and on meds for one before we got the diagnosis of Aspergers. Which explained some of the social problems, but didn't stop the bullying. All throughout this time, Adam would have major meltdowns at home (uncontrollable crying, curling up in a ball and rocking himself, running away - he still does all of that sometimes), which scared us but we thought it was part of the Aspergers. Back to therapy and meds. Not Aspergers. The amount of money spent on therapy is mind boggling. But at least we can afford it. We feel so blessed for that!
Knowing what went on behind our closed doors, Meg was super protective of him to the point that she would tell off the other kids on a daily basis. It totally ruined her social life. But she was a little backwards too, in need of friends who would understand this drama and be supportive to her...it didn't happen. She and Adam became best friends, depending on each other for that support.
Then Sam. Sam is still young enough that we don't know exactly how he will turn out. But most of his life, he has been understood better by adults than by his peer group. He makes the kind of jokes and quotes movies, TV shows, and games, that nobody else gets. The other kids roll their eyes at him. He is also being home schooled and LOVES it. When I mentioned him going back to school next year, he just froze. I have watched him change into another kid when getting out of the car for Scouts. And right after this move, he came home from his first Scout activity and said, "I'm just the nerd here again." I told him to embrace it.
Sophie is totally hyper when she leaves home. She runs around and hugs everyone else and talks constantly. She does have friends but is the loudest of all of them. I didn't notice that until I started running Activity Days. She is the worst one of all of them...and I have 19 girls! She is being home schooled too.
Here's the funny thing. At home, when Adam is leveled out (not depressed or manic which is barely happening but I am so glad), things are relatively calm. The kids are fine. We get along. We spend time together and support each other and have fun together. We are a team. No matter how bad Adam gets, he has us. And no matter how bad Sam, Sophie, and Meg feel, they have each other and us. People see Meg's incredibly loving posts on facebook and ask us what our secret is. And here it is: All those years of social awkwardness brought us together like nothing else could...it was us against the world.
Our family is socially awkward, and we embrace it. We are a team.
I grew up in a big family, the youngest of 6 kids. My older siblings smoothed the way for me, looked out for me, and taught me by example, both good and bad. I didn't have social problems beyond the usual ones. And once I hit high school, I really blossomed. I was a cheerleader (that was cool in those days), a gymnast, and homecoming princess my sophomore year. I dated cute football players and smart intellectuals (who were also cute). I felt well-adjusted and even...dare I say...popular. I figured that pattern would be repeated in my future family. But I saw a lot of stuff that the popular kids did to stay that way and I decided that popular wasn't that great. Plus, I didn't like to play those games. My senior year of high school was when I stopped really caring where I fit in with the crowd and did things my own way. It was incredibly freeing.
A few years later, I married a man who had been a bit socially awkward and only had a few good friends (although you would never know that now!). But he was happy and has no regrets. He stopped socially caring very early on and embraced his smarts (that really attracted me!). He has since chosen a career that requires A LOT of shmoozing and social skills. So he really knows what he is doing...but he is confident and secure regardless.
And we had 4 kids. Who, like other kids, cared very much. But they were awkward. Especially Adam, who was struggling with severe social anxiety and his bipolar disorder (although we didn't know it at the time). I remember one time, watching him get out of the car for a Cub Scout pack meeting, and he literally changed his stance, the look on his face, and the way he walked. He looked like a different kid. And every time he came home, he was complaining about the other boys giving him grief. Of course I talked to Scoutmasters, Primary teachers, teachers at school, and the parents of the other boys. But it didn't ever stop. We put the kid in 3 different elementary schools, and then home schooled him for three years. The bullying became physical - he has had two concussions, and a broken finger from other boys pushing him down. He was in therapy for two years and on meds for one before we got the diagnosis of Aspergers. Which explained some of the social problems, but didn't stop the bullying. All throughout this time, Adam would have major meltdowns at home (uncontrollable crying, curling up in a ball and rocking himself, running away - he still does all of that sometimes), which scared us but we thought it was part of the Aspergers. Back to therapy and meds. Not Aspergers. The amount of money spent on therapy is mind boggling. But at least we can afford it. We feel so blessed for that!
Knowing what went on behind our closed doors, Meg was super protective of him to the point that she would tell off the other kids on a daily basis. It totally ruined her social life. But she was a little backwards too, in need of friends who would understand this drama and be supportive to her...it didn't happen. She and Adam became best friends, depending on each other for that support.
Then Sam. Sam is still young enough that we don't know exactly how he will turn out. But most of his life, he has been understood better by adults than by his peer group. He makes the kind of jokes and quotes movies, TV shows, and games, that nobody else gets. The other kids roll their eyes at him. He is also being home schooled and LOVES it. When I mentioned him going back to school next year, he just froze. I have watched him change into another kid when getting out of the car for Scouts. And right after this move, he came home from his first Scout activity and said, "I'm just the nerd here again." I told him to embrace it.
Sophie is totally hyper when she leaves home. She runs around and hugs everyone else and talks constantly. She does have friends but is the loudest of all of them. I didn't notice that until I started running Activity Days. She is the worst one of all of them...and I have 19 girls! She is being home schooled too.
Here's the funny thing. At home, when Adam is leveled out (not depressed or manic which is barely happening but I am so glad), things are relatively calm. The kids are fine. We get along. We spend time together and support each other and have fun together. We are a team. No matter how bad Adam gets, he has us. And no matter how bad Sam, Sophie, and Meg feel, they have each other and us. People see Meg's incredibly loving posts on facebook and ask us what our secret is. And here it is: All those years of social awkwardness brought us together like nothing else could...it was us against the world.
Our family is socially awkward, and we embrace it. We are a team.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Prom time!
It's that time again - prom season! Adam is feeling well enough to go...and I am so excited! I have only done prom with Meg, so doing it with a son is a bit different. Of course I am doing most of the work but that's ok. He found a cute girl in our ward that is a friend. And I'll make sure he gets a good run/bike ride in so he'll be a bit more mellow.
Anyway, Meg gave us such a cute idea for asking the girl! We bought a little goldfish and the bowl and accessories, and put a laminated little sign in it. And then he put it on her front porch and ran.
Anyway, Meg gave us such a cute idea for asking the girl! We bought a little goldfish and the bowl and accessories, and put a laminated little sign in it. And then he put it on her front porch and ran.
Of course, she LOVED it! Who wouldn't?
(And yes, her name is Cricket. Well, really Amelia, but she goes by Cricket and it fits her.
Little and energetic.)
Anyway, to say yes, she gave Adam a big box of fishy crackers and a card with a smily face balloon that said, "of all the fish in the sea, I'm glad you chose me!" I love Mormon prom. I love Meg for helping out so much...and she is also going to be taking all of our pictures with that expensive camera she got for Christmas. (WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WHILE MEG IS ON HER MISSION??? Adam is so blessed to have Meg for a sister.)
I don't know if Cricket knows about the bipolar but they are going with a group of guys from the quorum who know all about it and they will keep an eye on Adam. And the meds seem to be working ok so far. Fingers crossed!
Monday, April 8, 2013
That one thing we're lacking
Yesterday was General Conference. It was also my birthday, and Chad must have threatened the kids within an inch of their lives because there was absolute peace for most of the day. I don't know how Adam held it together, haha! But, I so appreciated it because it allowed me to feel the Spirit. And what I realized is that we have not really had the Holy Ghost in our home in months. MONTHS!!! No wonder everyone has been so miserable! There has been so much contention going on, and so many negative thoughts and fear and worry, it is no wonder. It was like a refreshing drink of restorative water to sit and listen to the inspired words of our leaders, and I soaked it all up like a sponge. I found that the despair that I often feel was replaced with hope and a calming peace that I have missed so badly! Plus so many of the talks were pretty much just for me. When Elder Holland spoke about the father of the sick boy who went to the Savior and begged for healing for his son...when he quoted that father saying, "Lord, I believe; help me my unbelief." I was so touched because that is me. All of it. And that wasn't the only talk that resonated with me. It was a wonderful day, and I look forward to the peace and Spirit that will come as I reread those talks.
So, my goals have been changed a little bit. Instead of trying so hard to control my kids' behavior with reward and punishment only, I will try super hard to have the Holy Ghost in our home first.
And that starts with me.
As I listened to conference yesterday, of course, as always happens, things were brought to my mind that I need to improve. I was made aware that I need to work on praying on my knees, and for the right things. I need to read my scriptures more meaningfully and often. I need to react with patience and love. And I need to have more faith. To trust that the Atonement applies to my fears and worries, and so much of what I have been despairing about can be turned over to the Savior. He loves us and understands what our family is going through - it is a refining fire but the most important thing is that we are not in this alone. Big happy sigh. This is such a wonderful realization!
We need to make sure we are having FHE more regularly, and try to control our tempers when the kids get distracted (usually with the dogs) and just take a deep breath. We need to strive to have better scripture study with our kids at night. We have been very regular in this, but often we end up praying with a tinge of anger because of that frustration when somebody bugs somebody else (wedgies). No Spirit there, in spite of our efforts! We need to go to the temple more often, and fulfill our callings faithfully and without complaint.
And I need to do a better job cooking healthy dinners and serving them on time. I think that one will be the hardest change!
When I have done all I can do, I will to let go and let God.
So, my goals have been changed a little bit. Instead of trying so hard to control my kids' behavior with reward and punishment only, I will try super hard to have the Holy Ghost in our home first.
And that starts with me.
As I listened to conference yesterday, of course, as always happens, things were brought to my mind that I need to improve. I was made aware that I need to work on praying on my knees, and for the right things. I need to read my scriptures more meaningfully and often. I need to react with patience and love. And I need to have more faith. To trust that the Atonement applies to my fears and worries, and so much of what I have been despairing about can be turned over to the Savior. He loves us and understands what our family is going through - it is a refining fire but the most important thing is that we are not in this alone. Big happy sigh. This is such a wonderful realization!
We need to make sure we are having FHE more regularly, and try to control our tempers when the kids get distracted (usually with the dogs) and just take a deep breath. We need to strive to have better scripture study with our kids at night. We have been very regular in this, but often we end up praying with a tinge of anger because of that frustration when somebody bugs somebody else (wedgies). No Spirit there, in spite of our efforts! We need to go to the temple more often, and fulfill our callings faithfully and without complaint.
And I need to do a better job cooking healthy dinners and serving them on time. I think that one will be the hardest change!
When I have done all I can do, I will to let go and let God.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Depression
I got a new phone, because my old one was misbehaving, and as I was cleaning out my photo collection (over 500!) I came across some vids that I had taken about 1 1/2 years ago. As I watched them, I felt so sad. Adam was so different then. He wanted to do what is right! He listened to me! He was happy! He annoyed his siblings, but he wasn't malicious. I MISS THAT BOY SO BADLY!
I don't know the Adam we live with now. And I don't know how, or if it is even possible to get him back. I don't know if I am in denial or if there is hope. All I know is that the son I knew and loved so well is gone. And in his place is this negative jerk, who can't be nice to anyone. Me, least of all. He breaks my heart every single day. I can't bear it.
And then I think of my other kids. Meg, who is my bestie. Who went through the temple with us last weekend in preparation for her mission. Who is solid and dependable and beautiful.
Sam, who has a tender heart and so much love. He tries to comfort me by making good decisions and being very responsible.
Sophie, who is full of vibrancy and energy. Who is solid in her testimony and very very stubborn about it. She'll whack me for saying crap.
I'm their mom too.
I don't know the Adam we live with now. And I don't know how, or if it is even possible to get him back. I don't know if I am in denial or if there is hope. All I know is that the son I knew and loved so well is gone. And in his place is this negative jerk, who can't be nice to anyone. Me, least of all. He breaks my heart every single day. I can't bear it.
And then I think of my other kids. Meg, who is my bestie. Who went through the temple with us last weekend in preparation for her mission. Who is solid and dependable and beautiful.
Sam, who has a tender heart and so much love. He tries to comfort me by making good decisions and being very responsible.
Sophie, who is full of vibrancy and energy. Who is solid in her testimony and very very stubborn about it. She'll whack me for saying crap.
I'm their mom too.
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