57 lbs healthier

Last summer I had gastric bypass surgery.  It was a very hard decision, but there were a number of factors that pushed me in that direction.  1) I was diagnosed pre-diabetic.  It runs in my family, and my blood sugar was nuts.  I even had to have insulin a few times, especially in the hospital after my surgery...for no good reason since I hadn't eaten anything in like two days.  My mama is diabetic and hates it so bad...she cried when I told her about the diagnosis.  2) Heart disease runs in my family.  Along with knee and hip deterioration and replacement.  3) I am so heartily sick and tired of the battle - up, down, up, down, then up up up.  It has been pretty much the roughest year of my life, and it showed.  I knew I needed to make some serious changes and I needed help.

I have hesitated to make this such public knowledge.  I have not been keeping it a secret (if you asked how I was losing so much weight, I would tell you).  But I also am not advertising it.  No poster child here.  And the reason for this is that a lot of people think that bariatric surgery is taking the easy way out.  There is a misconception out there that people who go this route are just not willing to diet and exercise.  That they are lazy.  Well, for someone who has fat genes, who has a food addiction, who has chronic injuries that keep them from being able to run like she wants to so badly (that would be me)...bariatric surgery is a tool to help make major lifestyle changes.  It is not a cop-out.  It is NOT (I repeat, NOT) easy!  So if you feel that way about me right now, you are clearly not a friend.  Sorry.  The biggest drawback that everyone has been mentioning to me is the GI tract issues.  But I have to assure you that people who have that problem are simply eating either too much, or the wrong foods.  If I eat healthy, I have NONE of those problems.
Here's what makes this so hard:  although my stomach is tiny right now due to the surgery, and I don't feel hungry that way very often, my "head hunger" is alive and roaring.  I have learned that for me, that head hunger is more powerful than any physical hunger.  So please imagine what Halloween was like for me.  My drug of choice is candy.  My back was spasming so badly that I couldn't even get out of bed, and I ended up in the ER for some kind of pain relief.  It took 3 shots of narcotic to even make a dent, and even so I passed out multiple times between the car and my bed.  And between my bed and the bathroom.  Childbirth was a breeze compared to this pain.  Adam was being a beast to the other kids, and I couldn't do anything about it.  And then the kids showed up with candy all over the house.  It felt like people were throwing it in my face.  Please try to imagine a meth addict who has to buy the drug to pass out to other people, and has it sitting around in bowls and pillowcases all over the house.  So that was bad.
Thanksgiving was even worse.  This holiday completely revolves around feasting.  Even after Thanksgiving dinner, there were the delicious leftovers, and pies sitting out on the counter.  Caramel corn.  Cookies.  Hot rolls.  That was really bad.
Now we start in with Christmas.  Making homemade desserts and treats to give to friends and loved ones.  Sigh.  Oh man, that head hunger is crying out.  Sorry folks, this year, its going to have to be store-bought.  I can't take all that baking.  Which is a shame, I am a good baker.

But, I am weathering the storms.  I am seeing a food therapist, going to a support group, keeping track of every bite that goes in my mouth, reading food labels, making every bit count, nutritionally.  Trying to convince myself that food is fuel.  And fuel only.  In about 4 more months I will start the maintenance phase of this journey, which will be even harder.  I will be able to eat more calories, but instead of being excited about that, I am terrified.  I know from experience, maintenance is a beast.

So, yeah, I have lost 57 lbs as of today.  It has been rapid weight loss but that keeps me motivated and frankly, after that surgery, I deserve it.  I expect to lose at least 25 lbs more, and then there is always a 10 lb bounce back.  At least, that is all I will ever allow myself.  I will probably be food journaling for the rest of my life.  And watching my protein!  And I am happy!  I am starting to feel thin.  People are starting to notice.  I am fitting into the lowest sizes I even own, so there will be a new wardrobe pretty soon.  But most of all, I am healthy.  I am healthy.

How can there be so many miracles amidst so much craziness?

So, we have had two big things that we've been working on in the past 3 months.  Finding a way to buy a house, and finding a way to help Adam move out when he turns 18.  We were already sure that he wouldn't be serving a mission at 18.  So what else was there?  College, or a job and a rented room somewhere because he is difficult to live with.  So college, but where?  I wasn't happy about BYU Idaho because it is SO BLOOMING FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE, and he didn't have the grades or the ACT score for BYU Provo.  I have been thinking about SUU in Cedar City, UT for awhile now - it felt so right for Adam.  Small, less stress, and best of all, super close to family.  They could definitely keep an eye on him for me!  BUT.  Being a non-Utah-resident, the tuition was TRIPLE that of Utah residents.  Yes, I said triple.  Chad kept telling me no way.  The BYU's are so affordable.  I just about gave up but there was a nagging desire that just wouldn't go away.  I started doing my homework about 2 months ago...found out that there were scholarships that could help with that cost.  So he applied.  And Adam got in and qualified for a great 4-year scholarship...which can be deferred for his mission.  It is so perfect that we seriously cannot question where this miracle came from.  On top of it, they have the major that Adam is interested in, Criminal Justice, and they have a forensics lab.  (He wants to be a police investigator.  Great job security and benefits.)  Last week we went on a campus tour while we were in New Harmony for Thanksgiving...it was so great.  Dorms where he can request LDS roommates.  Food plan.  But the most impressive thing was the Institute!  Adam was worried about being able to take a mission prep class at a non-lds school...not worried anymore!  The Institute was HUGE!  22 student wards.  An Institute concert choir.  By the time we left Cedar City, Adam had such a huge smile on his face.  Pretty much a no-brainer for him.  So now his future is all set.  One year at SUU, mission, then 3 more years at SUU, then a career in law enforcement.  

Oh, and did I say that he started a new med about three weeks ago and it is WORKING!  He's less depressed.  Guess what?  It is the same med I take for my epilepsy (just different dose) and I had been feeling that we should give it a try.  The dr. suggested it and we noticed a major change right away.  Now Adam just has a bad case of Senioritis, but that, I can deal with.

Now, the house.  Well, lets just say that this story is so full of twists and turns that if I explained them all here you would be dizzy.  Suffice it to say, we thought we were going to get one house & lot, then we were heartbroken when it sold, then we were trying to get excited about another one, then the people who bought the first lot dropped out (that we even found out about that is unbelievable), then we got it but had to have a final bank approval (which turned out to be super hard to get, due to new regulations and the sheer volume of paperwork!!!  I've never had to deal with such narrow parameters in my life)...we found out that we got it the day before Thanksgiving.  So now we get to move forward with having the home built with all our preferences in upgrades...its going to end up being a dream house.  Won't be done until next summer, but I don't care.  It is the coolest thing.  Probably it will be our forever house.  We prayed that if we were supposed to stay in Dos Vientos, we would find a way to buy a house...it was a CRAZY adventure, but here we are.  I was so happy to find this rental house and get moved in...that story is also full of miracles...but I'm ready to give up the rental life now.  

I'm telling you, every day I wake up wondering how we can be so blessed.  So so many blessings. It is amazing and I am humbled by the Lord's love and His involvement in our lives.  I don't know what I did to deserve so much.  Must be Megan's mission.  

High School sports

Some days, I just reflect on these years and want to cry.  I had SO MUCH FUN during these years!  It was so great to watch my kids participate in a sport and gain the self-esteem that comes from working hard and accomplishing something to be proud of.  I moaned and groaned about sitting in the stands for hour after hour but really, it was so great.  When we decided to move to NP, and I headed over to MPHS to pick up Adam's transcript, I cried when leaving the campus.  I knew I wouldn't be back, and we had some really great years at that school.  I still miss MPHS.  I haven't bonded with NPHS like that at all, but maybe it is because Adam only ran one season of cross country here.  When I go to NPHS, my memories include talking to the principal and the campus police about Adam's suicide threat, and then watching my son being loaded into a police car to be delivered at a mental facility.  Not so great.

But anyway.

Now I have this to look forward to:

I don't know if Sophie will ever get to play high school sports.  She is enjoying home schooling, and truly, I can't see sending her to public high school when the atmosphere is so awful and the educational standards heading down the toilet.  So once she hits 8th grade, that may be the end of it.  Which makes me so sad.  I'll have to do some research.  Maybe there is something she can do!  Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy the next 4 track and soccer seasons and just soak it all up.  

And try to find something Sam can do.  Bike racing, maybe?

  

Count your many blessings

Let's just say that the past few weeks have been pretty hellish.  Broken arms, broken and dying back, doctor/dentist/chiropractor appointments nearly every day.  Two ER visits.  And then there is Adam.  I have never met or been around another person who is more of a jackass than Adam was this past three weeks.  We kicked him out twice.  Chad and I were seriously gritting our teeth every single day, just to keep ourselves from beating the daylights out of that kid.  So, med change again!  Only this time, the psychiatrist tells me that we need to prepare for things to get worse before they can get better because this med takes a month to kick in properly.  I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING WORSE.  Praying every minute of every day for strength and patience.  The combination of it all is overwhelming.

Anyway, I am trying to keep myself sane by counting my blessings.  I know I am blessed with so much!  But this week, I need the reminder, because I am mainly just feeling like I am being wrung out and you know that whole "refiner's fire" thing?  Yup, I'm there.  Last night I had a discussion with the Lord that basically went like this:
Me: I am dying here.  I can't do this anymore.  Our family can't do this anymore.  I can't deal with this.  I am losing it.  I am at the end of my rope.  I am sorry I am so weak, and can't bear these hard things.  I am sorry for my lack of faith.  Forgive me for forgetting all of my blessings....
Sigh.
Ok.
I'll keep going.

Heavenly Father:  Remember what I said?  About there being no challenge that you can't overcome?  You can do this.  Go take a Xanax, get some sleep.  It'll be ok tomorrow.

And, so far, it is.

Miracle.

College apps

Last week was noteworthy, and in spite of being in such bad pain (my lame back), I was happy.
The past couple of weeks, we have been starting the process of Adam's college applications.  I have thought long and hard about this one - because we need him to get out of the house and be a big boy, yet he isn't really ready to be completely on his own yet (and truth be told, I think he is terrified to be out on his own).  He told us awhile ago that he had been praying about whether he should go on his mission at 18, and felt that he shouldn't.  Which we agree with, wholeheartedly!  So college it is.  But where?  Not too stressful, safe (emotionally and physically) environment, relatively easy admission....the one place I have felt so good about is SUU.  Southern Utah University, located in Cedar City UT, minutes away from three cousins, and 20 minutes away from grandparents and an aunt and uncle who are pretty much 2nd parents to him.  He has spent a lot of time in Cedar City, is familiar with it, and I think he would be super comfortable there.  But.  There's that little pesky issue of non-resident tuition...TRIPLE the cost of resident tuition!  Truly, we would be crazy to pay that, when he could go to BYU Idaho where it is super cheap.  (I have no problem with BYU-I except that it is so stinking far away from everyone.  Even our ID relatives live like 7 hrs away.  Who knew that ID was such a big state?)  So I have been looking at all kinds of scholarships, trying to find a way to make SUU work.
I called their admissions office just to ask about application deadlines (I figured he should apply just in case of a miracle), and I got into a great conversation with the girl in the admissions office.  We talked about all the tuition costs and options...then she said to me,"Did you or your husband graduate from SUU?  Or any grandparents? Because we have what is called the Legacy Scholarship that could make tuition comparable to resident tuition."  I about fainted.  My mother got her Associates degree at SUU!  A bazillion years ago, but still a degree!  She connected me with the scholarship office and I found out that there are two kinds of scholarships that Adam could qualify for - the Legacy Scholarship, and a Western Undergraduate Exchange scholarship (which makes it affordable for out of staters to go to SUU).  Either one would bring the cost down - not as low as BYU-I, but certainly comparable!  And doable.  You have no idea what a miracle this is!  So of course, we got that application filled out and off to the admissions office immediately.  As soon as Adam gets accepted (which will happen, he has good enough GPA and ACT score to get in there), then we apply for the scholarships.  Made my week!
And we are in process of filling out Adam's application for the BYU's.  He wrote his first essay "the most challenging thing I have had to overcome" or something like that.  Of course, he wrote about his bipolar diagnosis.  And he ended the darned essay with this sentence, "I couldn't have come through this without my family, especially my sister Megan Wright, who goes to BYU Provo and is currently serving a mission in Fiji.  I am not ashamed to say that she is the best friend I have ever had, and I love her very much."  I have to make a copy of that and send it to Meg.  She will love it.
So, yay!  College!

Racism

I got a letter from Meg today, this was the first sentence, "So now that I have a new companion, I feel comfortable telling you about what a trial my trainer was."  She went on to describe treatment that makes me want to find that companion and punch her in the face.  Meg found out from her Bishop's wife that her trainer was talking such trash about Meg, especially about her being a palangi (white person).  She wouldn't help Meg learn Fijian because she didn't want her to understand all the garbage she was saying about her.  Right in front of her face, to members and investigators alike.  The Bishop's wife went on to tell Meg that the reason the missionaries didn't get any support from the ward members was because of that trainer - they knew what she was and that she didn't have the Spirit with her.  They felt sorry for Megan but they wouldn't allow that companion in their homes!  She was disobedient of the missionary rules, and just downright ugly and mean to Megan.  So Megan, in her effort to create a better environment, began serving this trainer like she has never served anyone before.  As I read her list, of the things she did for this trainer, I felt like she was taken advantage of, and really, treated like a slave.  Right down to carrying the trainer's backback for her, giving the trainer her jacket when it started raining, cooking for her, bringing her breakfast in bed.  Complimenting her, telling her she loved her, doing everything she could to make that trainer like her.  But Meg lost herself a little.  And then she had to learn to find herself in the Lord.  She said that sleep was her only refuge and prayer her only comfort.  She said that the past three months were the hardest she has ever experienced, but "I wouldn't change them, because I have learned and grown so much.  I don't feel like a kid anymore, I feel like a woman.  You grow up fast on a mission."
I have heard that there is a problem with racism in these S. Pacific islands.  The natives throw those racist terms (whitey, palangi, howlie) around all the time, and make fun of whites.  How sad, that Meg's very first experience in the mission field was with a completely racist trainer.  And no wonder there are so few palangi sister missionaries in Fiji.
The mission pres. knew some of this stuff, but not all of it.  Meg talked to him and he gave her a blessing.  But he didn't transfer either one of them until two weeks ago.  There must have been a good reason why.  My heart aches for Meg - she would never have put up with being treated that way here at home!  But she was brand new in a completely foreign country, doing her very best to serve the Lord and bring some semblance of Spirit into that companionship.  I feel horrible thinking about what she must have felt!  She has been and will be blessed for those hellish 3 months.  But man!  It makes me mad! Really really mad!  At least she got a wonderful new companion who has her back now.  And at least she got that trial by fire over at the very beginning of her mission.  And at least she has the ward members back on her side and willing to work with her.

I can't write any of this stuff on her blog.  It is completely public and will probably be read by other missionaries or their families who know this trainer.  But I'm pretty sure this blog is only read by my family and friends, so I feel free to post this here.

This brother and sister

I was looking for a picture of Adam and Megan together that I could put on my wall, and realized that we had none.  So I did some cropping, and this was what I came up with.  I emailed Meg and asked her if it was creepy and made them look like a couple, and she said, 

"No it doesn't look creepy!  I love this picture because 

I love that kid so much."

And Adam actually admitted out loud that Megan is the best friend he has ever had.

I'm pretty sure that says it all.

A really good hug

Sometimes, right before Adam leaves for seminary, right after we have prayer together, I wrap my arms around Adam and hug him tight.  And he hugs back.  And I say, "I love you son".  And he says, "you too".  And then he walks out the door.

In all truth, the hug probably happens because the kid is so tired that he can hardly hold himself up, and it gives him a chance to rest on me for a few seconds.  But I'll take it!  Any other time of the day, if I try to touch him, Adam flinches away.  Teenage son, or bipolar, I will probably never know.  But I'll tell you what, I enjoy that rare hug.

I've been stressing about this for months...

I don't know if I am just hyper-sensitive about this but I keep seeing serious modesty issues running rampant through our YW program.  Mostly in the length of the skirts.  I have heard the YM commenting on it - because I have two sons, and because my hubby is the Priest quorum advisor.  It is bothering grown men too.  This worries me.  After all, my second calling is as a group leader of the pornography family support group (for wives, girlfriends of porn addicts).   I hear such sad stories, over and over again about these men who are trying so hard to overcome a serious addiction, think that they are going to be "safe" at church, and find that they can't escape it there either.  Some people say "Those perverts just need to keep their eyes in their heads and stop looking!  Their problems are not the women's problems!"  Ok, in a perfect world, that would be totally correct.  But this is not a perfect world, men are hard-wired differently than women (and they are not perverts.  period.), and frankly, what are the women (girls) thinking will happen when dressed immodestly?!  Why do they dress immodestly in the first place?  For attention.  Duh.
So anyway, I have discussed the situation with all the appropriate leaders, and although there is general agreement, the biggest concern is that if we preach too much modesty, the girls will get offended and quit coming to church.  This is a legitimate concern.  So you can see my dilemma.  Luckily, I am not the leader directly over the worst offenders.  I have beautiful Beehives, who are still young and innocent enough that they can be taught.  Most of them have older sisters that dress immodestly though.  So they won't get support from their moms (don't get me started on those moms.  many of them have temple recommends and should know better than to encourage their daughters to wear clothes like that, especially to church.  but whatever.  I can't do anything about that.)
So I have been praying, praying, praying.  How to teach modesty to these young girls without offending them.  And one morning I woke up with a flash of inspiration.  Have a special Beehive activity celebrating women, what it means to be a woman in God's plan, how to respect our womanhood and use it to uplift people around us.  NO ONE could get offended about that.  Celebrating being a girl?  PERFECT!  I decided to have it at my house, decorate the heck out of it, serve girly refreshments, and find a great guest speaker who could teach it.  So then I started praying about who that guest speaker could be.  And the next morning I woke up with a name on my mind and a warm, positive feeling in my heart about having this one woman who had just moved into our ward.  She has two daughters in our YW, both of them are awesome young ladies who dress modestly and stand for truth and righteousness.  Clearly their mom has it going on.  Plus, she comes from a family full of girls who I know from my own YW days to be awesome young women too.  I ran the idea by my advisor, she enthusiastically agreed, so I called this woman.  She enthusiastically agreed too.  I gave her a couple of conference talks to base it on, and specifically mentioned that she could include how to behave like a lady and dress modestly, use clean language, and not base self-esteem on popularity or looks.  And trusted in the Lord that whatever she said would be what girls needed to hear.  I have been so excited about this activity!  But also stressed and worried, which is just who I am.
I spent all day yesterday baking and decorating my house.  And praying.  And all but one girl showed up!  And my guest speaker did a phenomenal job.  And she spent a good 25 minutes talking very openly about modesty.  She talked about how modesty is more than just how you dress.  It is in your heart and head, and how willing you are to be a Woman of God.  She then showed examples of how to modify dresses to be modest.  She gave them a list of websites where they could find really attractive and up to date modest dresses.  She made them a handout - a framed picture of the temple that they could hang next to their closets to look at before they picked out an outfit for the day.  She knocked it out of the park.  In short, I LOVED IT!!!

Its interesting what happens when we pray for help in our callings.  I know Heavenly Father loves those precious Beehives because His hand was in this activity from the beginning.  I love having prayers answered.  Again.

Finally!

So last night I spent 4 hours hitting refresh on my email.  Waiting for Meg to email.  I hoped that since I was SOO patient last week (haha) that we would be rewarded with a nice long letter.  Welllll...nothing. Finally at about 8:00, Chad called the mission pres.  He told us that he knew Sister Wright was ok since he had received an email from her 3 hours earlier that day.  (!!!)  And that he would try to contact her.  About 10 minutes later, we got her letter.  She said that her pres. had just called her and please stop calling him.  And just because she hasn't emailed doesn't mean she is dead.  Ha!  And of course, "I love love love you for caring so much about me".  Stinker.  And in her letter she told why she hadn't called us last week, you can click on the link on the sidebar.  It had nothing to do with internet glitches or sick companions or transfers.  It had to do with loving her investigators and being busy helping one of them recover from a tragic experience.  Which is wonderful and the fact that she was so involved that she forgot/ran out of time to email, that is good.  I did, however, send her a short email asking for just a two word email when she sends her email to her pres.  "I'm fine".  That's all I need every week.  Surely that isn't too much to ask.  So anyway, I am feeling fine about her and a little chastised (but who cares, she was about to blow us off again this week!!!).  And I would contact the pres. again anytime...except now, I have his email address, muahaha!  Because he emailed us to let us know she was ok, and also to thank us for sending such an excellent missionary.  So...that little phone call was worth it in many ways!

I didn't call

So yeah.  I am feeling better about not hearing from Meg.  Prayer helps.  Also I remembered that she has been complaining about the computer service for the past month.  No pictures, she lost an entire email, and she hasn't been getting some of our emails.  Like, they are lost in cyberspace.  So, I'm thinking that may be what happened.  Hopefully we will get one this week.  But, meanwhile, I am feeling at peace and busy with other things.  I know that she is ok.  That is an answer to prayers...man, there have been so many answers to prayers!  I have the strongest testimony of prayer!  So, so grateful.

It's my blog, I'm allowed to whine a little

So, no email from Meg this P-day.  I have heard from other missionary moms that this sometimes happens when their missionaries are serving in the bush (or on tiny islands out in the middle of the ocean) but not in Suva, the biggest city in Fiji!  So I don't know what is going on.  My first thought is that her companion was too sick to leave the flat.  Her companion does have health problems.  My second guess is that her companion (or maybe Meg) called an emergency meeting with the ZL's, DL's, or Pres. Klingler for some reason.  Maybe Meg, in her outspoken way, offended a ward member and got tattled on.  Maybe there were just a bunch of meetings that she had to go to.  It wasn't time for transfers, and it wasn't time for a new intake.  So I'm pretty sure it wasn't because of that.  I checked the weather - no hurricane or monsoon that would knock out the internet service.
Of course I am worried.  What mom wouldn't be?!  If I don't hear from her today then I will call the mission office.  I haven't called them since Meg (or the pres.) didn't email to let me know she arrived safely (and I know some of the elders did get to send off an email, so we were entitled)...so I can't be called "That Mom", can I?  I wish I just had an email address for the mission couple.  That would be the easiest and least embarrassing way to contact the mission office.  Maybe when I call today I can ask for that.  I will promise not to send a lot of emails!  After all, I only want emails from my missionary!
I am the lousiest missionary mom on this planet.  Most of the ones that I talk to are blasé about their missionaries - not keeping daily track of how long they've been gone and not obsessing about their emails...Or maybe that is just what they say.  I don't know.  I just know that I miss her and I worry about her in that unfamiliar place.  Her letters are not always very upbeat and that worries me too.  I REALLY hope that I'm having a harder time than she is!  That is my prayer.

The Story of Adam's Eagle Scout Award

Sorry this has been blank.  I wrote a big long entry and then realized that there were a lot of very negative details that kind of detracted from Adam's wonderful accomplishment.  And there were many negative things that happened to Adam along this journey but I am trying to forget them.  This should be a joyful thing, a culmination of years of hard work and endurance for Adam...and for me, haha!  So, I erased it.

Here is the journey in a nutshell:
Adam overcame 9 years of hating Cub and Boy Scouts, barely enduring the activities and campouts because of his social anxiety and the mistreatment from the other Scouts.  Searching for at least 4 months and then finding 2 different Eagle projects but having to give up the first one because he was wrongly accused (In a VERY very ugly series of confrontations) of stealing it from another scout.  BSA changing their Eagle application forms the night before Adam's already filled out and signed forms were handed in (so we had to do it all over again, including getting all the signatures again.  Anyone who has had to fill out those forms will tell you it is a major pain)  Moving twice to two different Scout troops.  Getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder and fighting the mania and depression and medication changes with all their side effects that come with it.  And yet, finally working through all the remaining forms and letters of recommendations and chasing down details to finish it all up and pass that demanding Board of Review...it is nothing short of a miracle!   

Here are the amazing positive things, in a nutshell:
Chad was able to attend a lot of the campouts with Adam, which made it bearable for him.  He was able to get a lot of merit badges in a short period of time because of one Scout leader who got it.  One of the troop changes was such a positive experience for Adam that he was re-invigorated and became revved up for getting his Eagle.  He worked with an Eagle coach briefly who got him all outfitted and checked that he had all the requirements in place.  He found the easiest Eagle project on the planet the second time around and that was the biggest miracle of all!  I must tell that one in detail.  We had Mormon Helping Hands one Saturday, scraping the rust off of a park fence and then painting it.  Unfortunately for the City of Moorpark, we only got halfway done.  Fortunately for Adam, I had a flash of inspiration and thought he could finish up the rest of it.  We immediately called the contact with the city and he was more than happy to allow Adam to do it.  We presented the idea to all the applicable BSA people and got it approved as an appropriate Eagle project.  The city provided all the supplies - all we had to do was get people there to complete the job and get them all to sign waivers.  We had some Scouts and some very nice parents show up from three different wards - Moorpark 2 (Adam's troop at that time, Moorpark 1 (Adam's former troop), and Dos Vientos (the ward we were moving to - that told me so much about that ward - we hadn't even moved there yet!)  The fence was completely finished in about 6 hours and within a week, we had all the signatures we needed from the city.  I believed then, and believe now, that the Lord knew what we had gone through and gave us that blessing.
Somehow through all that mess of dealing with the bipolar, Adam dug deep and found what he needed to get the paperwork finished.  It took him a full year.  But he did it.  This was a goal that we had for Adam for most of his life.  We almost gave up many many times!  But now Adam knows that he can do very hard things, and that determination pays off.  I want to throw that kid the biggest and best Court of Honor that I can!  He deserves it!

Just a warning, I'm going to be grouchy.

I heard the dog start barking at about 5:00 this morning.  I tried to sleep through it until the alarm went off at 5:30, when I got up to get Adam off to seminary.  I could barely get him out of bed, and he went to bed at 9:15 last night!  The dogs were in full bark by then so I let them out to do their business.  I often try to get back to sleep after Adam leaves but most days I just lay there thinking.  This morning, I was so exhausted, but couldn't fall back asleep because, even though I left him happily licking the couch, the dang dog would not stop barking!  There was no good reason for him to be barking.  About 6:15 I gave up, went downstairs and threw him back in his crate, cussing under my breath.  And I turned on the "sonic egg" - an interesting large egg shaped unit that is supposed to send out loud sonic waves that only the dog can hear, triggered by the sound of a bark.  It used to work.  I put in a new battery yesterday.  Clearly, it doesn't work anymore.  Either that, or Monty has developed selective deafness.  After all that barking, I wouldn't be surprised.  I tried and tried to get back to sleep after that but mainly just lay there wondering why I was so blooming exhausted - I usually can get by on 7 hours of sleep.  Then I remembered my day yesterday:
Got up at 5:30am to get Adam off to seminary.
Stayed up to write a letter to Meg and that seriously took an hour because I didn't want to make her homesick and I kept having to go back and re-write sections.  I don't think it does her any good to hear about my day-to-day stuff or anything negative about Adam.
Then Chad and I went on a 4 mile bike ride - my 2nd one in like 8 months, and that was fun but today I am so sore.
Then I got Sam and Sophie out of bed and breakfasting.
I got them all started on their work for the day.
Then started cleaning up the kitchen.
At 11:00 I had a meeting with the education facilitator from the charter school we work with.
Got started with a new social studies and science curriculum for Sophie.  This is one time I am super jealous of trained teachers...I have to learn the new curricula without anyone to train me.  Its a good thing I remember the state capitals and regions of the US without needing too many reminders.  My public school education paying off, haha.
Anyway, then a quick trip to Target to pick up Adam's meds, with complications of course.  The insurance co doesn't want to cover anything anymore.  Thank you Obamacare.
Back home to greet Adam for lunch (I always try to be here for that - I can cheerlead/nag him through the rest of the day).
Then I had to take Sam to the dentist because he lost a filling.
Then we went to Michael's to pick up some decorating supplies - there is a fall pumpkin topiary I saw on Pinterest that I want to try to make.
Then the BIG nagging Adam section of my day started...or maybe that was just BIG Nagging Part 2 or 3.  I can't get him to do homework to save my life.  I have tried EVERYTHING!  And I can't just let him fail, then he will be living with me for the rest of his life for sure!
Then there was dinner,
FHE,
and more nagging.
For FHE we played Apples to Apples while Adam did about 30 minutes of hw in 60 minutes with lots of interruptions for more nagging.  He went to bed at 9:15,
the minute we finished scriptures and prayer.
Then the nagging of the other kids began.
By the time I fell into bed at 10:30, I felt like a wrung out piece of paper towel.  Of course, that's when Sam and Sophie started coming in to talk.  I can't turn them away when they want to talk.  These are good teaching moments!  The last thing I saw before I fell asleep was the clock, saying 11:30, and I knew morning was going to come waaaay too soon.  
And it did.  Stupid dog!!
The truth is, this is every day (well, sometimes if I'm REALLY lucky, the dogs sleep in, that's only happened once that I remember).  I don't remember the last time I slept past 5:30, even on weekends.  I never make it to bed before 11:00 unless I am sick.  Maybe I am getting sick?  I think I'm getting sick.  And grouchy.

Rolla Coasta Ride

And now, I'm happy!  My life isn't perfect yet, but Adam is certainly happier!  (which does make me happy)  He seems like he is out of the deep depression now and just lazy and rude.  Ugh!  This is one of the things I hate the most about having a kid who has bipolar: ups and downs, ups and downs, nobody knows what will happen or what to expect tomorrow...or even in ten minutes.  Searching for stability!  Still praying.
So tomorrow I am going to the temple with the youth to do baptisms.  We have an investigator (who might as well be a member, she knows the gospel better than most of my Beehives) and she is dying to go to the temple, but of course, cannot go inside.  I have volunteered to stay with her and go to the Visitor's Center and walk the grounds until the other youth are finished.  I would love to be able to participate with the rest of my girls, but this will be great too.  And I can take Sophie with me, since Chad and the boys will be inside doing baptisms, and all the Beehives that I would hire to babysit will be at the temple.  Sophie loves being with the Beehives!
 I feel lucky.  In this world, where there is so much evil and degradation, I have a way of life that spares me most of that.  I am happy to be a Mormon.  It has given me a wonderful life so far.  Not without challenges, that is for sure.  But a place to go for strength that is steady and sure.  A community that provides support and the opportunity to think outside of myself.  A place of constant learning.  My dad once said that even if the gospel wasn't true, the lifestyle was the best way to live.  I agree.  But the gospel IS true!  Bonus!  I love that I know where I lived before I was born, and where I will go after I die.  There is a lot of comfort in knowing that when this life is over, we will all be perfected.  I am actually pretty excited to see how people change when they aren't controlled by illness or handicaps in their lives.  It gives me a lot of hope.
Yay, Fall is here!  I endure summer so I can get to Fall.  Well, not really, but kind of.  So today, I am happy.

P.S.  I love that Nyal Manwaring.  He is the best friend Adam has ever had.

Depression and anxiety, sigh

Well, the other shoe dropped.  Adam had a negative experience with an old girlfriend who gave him some shocking news and also dumped on him (I have always had really bad feelings about her and yet again, she delivered.  I cannot believe that a teenage girl can be so manipulative!).  He did not take it well.  He fell into a deep depression on Sunday night and has not been able to fight his way out of it.  He slept all day yesterday, except when he was at his therapist and psychiatrist's offices.  Another med change.  Another email to his school counselors and teachers, explaining it all (again) in hopes that the teachers will be more forgiving of missing assignments and turning in work late.
Adam's reaction to the girl situation would be understandable for about 1 hr.  But someone without bipolar would be able to take a step back, get angry, and then move on.  Adam has not been able to stop thinking about it except when he is asleep, so he wants to do that all the time.  You have no idea how many hours a day that a truly depressed person will sleep.  On the one hand, I know that he is getting relief while he is asleep.  On the other hand, nobody can sleep for 24 hours without there being serious repercussions!  Like, missing out on life, for heaven's sake!  Or starving.
As I watched this situation unfold, I began to see that Adam's depression had already been building up since school began.  He has been increasingly isolated (of his own will, I can't blame anyone else for it), no matter what I or his therapist said, he wouldn't do anything to further friendships (because it made him feel uncomfortable).   He is already behind in his classes.  He has taken to following me around the house and just bugging me (or his sibs) all the time.  A total Mama's Boy, but not in a good way.  This is not normal behavior.   In one way, I am really grateful for the girl episode because it was like a slap - yes there is anxiety and depression here - and we needed to do something about it.  I have been feeling that we needed to increase his anti-depressants but I just kept hoping he could use the tools he has been learning from the therapist to cope.  Not there yet.
I can't see a way that this boy will be able to go to college or serve a mission in a year.  I really don't know what is going to happen with Adam.  He is not stable.  I don't feel right about sending him off to college or on a mission.  Maybe, hopefully, things will change over the course of this year.  That is my prayer.  But I am not feeling optimistic.  Chad is so far in denial, he thinks that Adam will be fine.  Megan just wants her service to make Adam all better.  It makes me so sad that she isn't getting the results she is hoping for...and I have to be the one to keep telling her that she shouldn't base her mission on bringing a miracle into our lives...it is heartbreaking, this girl's family loyalty and devotion.  I believe she would do ANYTHING for our family.  Bless her, she is a joy in my life.
But right now, I am sad.

Adam's first day of Senior year, fingers crossed

Today is Adam's first day of school, his Senior year.  Last year, understandably, didn't go so well.  He didn't start doing really well until this summer, and it was wonderful.  But now.  Back to school.  And all the anxieties that accompany it.  And we all know that Adam doesn't do well with anxiety.  I had a talk with him about my concerns with his mental health and he was argumentative at first but then I think he started to understand me.  He wants all the freedoms that other kids his age have, but I just can't give them all to him when I don't know whether he will make good or not so good choices with those freedoms.  Which REALLY bugs him.  And I understand that but what can I do?  This bipolar!  What a rotten thing.  I asked him to give me two weeks to see how he does, and then we will talk about him getting an off-campus pass, etc.  I reminded him that there was a time last year when he wasn't even allowed to drive to school, and that now he had that freedom back.  I think he got it.  I hope he got it!  This will be the test.  I have been praying hard for us to be able to get him regulated and healthy so that he can serve a mission.  I have been fasting and praying so hard for help in finding the right meds, in finding the right therapist and psychiatrist.  I am literally laying my faith at the Lord's feet and begging for help.  We have basically one year to get this all figured out if Adam is going to be able to serve his mission when he (and we) wants to.  I think he can do it, if he is medicated properly.  If he is like he was this summer, then I think he will be fine with it.  But this summer was a no-stress, no-anxiety summer.
Agh, I am worried.  Like always, I am worried.

School starts!

Well, here we are at the beginning of another school year.  Adam will start next Wed, and he is a SENIOR!!!  Blows my mind.  Totally different situation than when Meg was a senior - man, she acted like an adult and it was the best year of our lives, to date.  I LOVED that year!  Remembering that school year, the cross country and track meets, the BYU-Provo acceptance, the fun friendship between Meg and Adam and the casual teenage firepit and guitar nights, graduation, our trip to England...it was the best.  Sometimes I cry, missing that school year.  But I digress.
So anyway, with Adam being a senior and all, he isn't going to know until the first day of school what supplies he will need, and even then, it certainly won't be colored pencils and glue sticks.  I am also still homeschooling Sam and Sophie this year.  So all these ads about school supplies and new school clothes, and people posting pictures of their kids going back to school on FB...I am not getting any of that.  I have to be honest.  I miss that and I am feeling a loss.  I've been asking the young ones if they wouldn't rather go back to public school and they say a resounding "NO!"  And it is just as well.  Public school pretty much stinks in every way.  Some schools are better than others but they are all required to teach certain standards, some of which are just offensive.  And they are full of immodestly dressed kids and language that I just don't want my kids exposed to.  So on a theoretical level, I am totally supportive and even excited about homeschooling.  But I miss that school shopping and first day of school excitement.  I considered taking pictures of my kids in pajamas for their first day of school pictures.  But that might give people the idea that we are lazy about school and we are anything but lazy!!!  A lot of my homeschooling friends are groaning about school starting again.  I kind of feel that way too, except that I found a bunch of super-cool enrichment classes for them and that will resolve the boredom that we experienced last year.  So that excites me.
Maybe I should take them school shopping anyway.  Surely they will need some supplies.  Any supplies!  Clothes, not so much.  Maybe just a new pair of pajamas.

21 years!

Twenty-one years ago today, I married the man of my dreams.  Yesterday, I was reading in my old journal from my Study Abroad year (looking for something I could copy and send to Meg, since that period of time was filled with homesickness and struggle in a foreign land) and stumbled on the journal entry from the day I met Chad (this was about 10 months after I got back from Vienna).  I had spent months bemoaning the fact that I hadn't really dated anyone that I was remotely interested in for a long time.  Anatomy was my favorite class because it was fascinating, and also because there was this guy in there that I caught staring at me often.  It was creepy and intriguing at the same time.  One day he walked out of class behind me and we started talking.  He walked me to the library, talking the whole time.  He was nice, and I could tell that he was interested in me.  Which made me feel good.  A few days later, he found me in the library, we talked for an hour, he made me laugh so much, and then I gave him my number.  He called me after Thanksgiving and we got together at my sister Kay's house for a "study date".  We didn't study at all.  We talked and talked and talked for over 5 hours.  And then out of nowhere, we kissed...I have to admit it was the best kiss I'd ever had and I knew in that moment that I was in big trouble.  I could have predicted that night that we would be getting married someday, but there was that part of me that wanted a sign from God that Chad was the right man for me.  Its funny...after dating for 8 months and getting engaged twice, I didn't get that undeniable confirmation until I was standing in the Celestial room of the L.A. temple the day before we were sealed.  I saw him in his temple whites, and I had an overwhelming feeling that he was my eternal companion and that we would be together forever.  It was a joy to marry Chad and be sealed to him for eternity.
Since then, we have had a lot of ups and downs in our marriage, just like everyone else.  We have laughed, fought, cried both with joy and sorrow, struggled through challenges that we thought we would never overcome.  We made it through 10 years of college and advanced degrees, while having 3 kids (our 4th came along right after graduation).  We are raising those kids together.  We are supporting each other as we are serving Heavenly Father.  We go back to the L.A. temple together and look into the room where we were sealed, and we are happy.  21 years of togetherness.  Marriage...not always easy, but always worth it.  I love you, Chad.   

Sad letters

We started getting snail mail letters from Meg, which were written during her first and second weeks in Fiji.  She was so homesick then.  It was hard for her to adjust to a completely new culture and language, and her companion was hardly helpful.  In fact, she sounds like a bit of a nightmare.  My heart has been aching so bad for Meg!  Anytime she has been sad in the past, I would wrap my arms around her and give her loving pep-talks.  She would do the same to me when I was sad.  We have been best friends for years now, but especially during her HS years when she had basically no social life.  These snail mail letters are a bit more raw than the emailed ones.  I think because she was writing them in the moment, not just on P-day when she knew her letter would be put on her blog.  I can imagine how she felt, I have been that homesick before.  I felt that when I was on a 7 month Study Abroad in Austria.  The first few weeks there were so bad - I seriously thought I was going to die.  I felt physically ill.  I didn't want to wake up in the mornings because then I would find that I was still there.  It was awful for about 2-3 weeks, and then I started to recognize the grand adventure that I was on.  I knew I would probably never make it back there again, and so I began to absorb that language and culture and appreciate the things I was seeing.  It got easier then.  I tried to warn Meg about that kind of homesickness but I don't think she really took me seriously.  Anyway, I am not surprised that she has been this homesick, I just hate that she is going through it.  I need to look through my Study Abroad journal and find some pages that she will identify with.  Maybe that will help.
Anyway, I am homesick for Meg too.  For the first time since she left, I really broke down on Saturday, and again today.  I am seriously a lousy missionary mom.  I don't tell her about it, but this is the hardest thing I have ever done...and I've been through some pretty hard things.  But on the other hand, I am seeing so many amazing blessings.  Like, miracles.  So I should be super happy, and I am most of the time.  It just slams me sometimes and I struggle.  I hope that when Meg starts having a better experience in Fiji, then it will be easier for me too.  And holy cow, I want the time to go by so much faster!!!  But here is the quandary.  The faster the time goes, the sooner Adam will be gone too.  If he continues to be stable like he is now, then he will definitely be able to serve a mission.  In less than a year.  Nobody ever talks about how the mom feels about having 2 missionaries out at the same time.  I can tell you, I am going to be a mess again!  Especially because of Adam's bipolar!  At least I am pretty sure they won't send him foreign.  That will make it easier!
All of that said, I know that the sacrifice brings blessings.  I know that Meg is growing and becoming the person that her Heavenly Father wants her to be...the woman that will be a strong and faithful wife and mother.  And when the time comes for Adam, I know that he will learn the gospel and mature into an honorable and valiant holder of the Priesthood like the sons of Helaman.  Like the prophet that he was named for.  As a mother, this is the very best that I could hope for, for my children.  So the sacrifice is worth it.  Let me bawl a little bit, it will be worth it.  

Happy

Good good things happening with Adam.  He had a GREAT time at Scout Camp and strengthened his friendships with the rest of his quorum.  There was one slight issue when he tried to go off a jump in a wheelbarrow and had a spectacular wipe-out...I still haven't seen the video of that but have been told by multiple people how brutal it was.  Heh heh heh, stupid kid.  He has some bruises, and deserves them. (A wheelbarrow, really?!)  But otherwise, it was a great week for both Sam and Adam and that was an answer to prayers.
Anyway, I think we finally have the meds evened out.  It has been 10 months and 5 different meds, but we are finally here, I think.  I say I think because with the changing hormones of a teenage boy, the meds have to change a lot too but where we are right now is GREAT!!
We are so blessed.  Megan says that one of the main reasons she decided to serve a mission was so our family, and Adam specifically, would be blessed.  I love her!  What an amazing young woman!  Also, we have been exercising our faith - I have been going to the temple as often as I can, sometimes weekly, and putting Adam's name on the prayer roll.  We have been fasting, praying, and in general, laying our faith at the Lord's feet.  I know He has been hearing and answering our prayers.  I am so incredibly grateful. There will still be hiccups and life can't be perfect, but for now, we are so happy!

Have I mentioned how much I love my kids?  And how thankful I am for them?  So blessed.
  

Girls week

This morning at 4:00, I sent both boys off to Zion's camp...which I think is just a glorified version of scout camp only with some religious stuff thrown in.  I could be wrong.  I haven't ever participated in Zion's camp before.  Anyway, there was a lot of preparation that went into this week.  I'm not talking about packing clothes or buying of supplies, although there was that too.  I'm talking about all the pep-talks and prayers.  This week will be the first time Adam has been away from home since his stint in Aurora Vista.  He will be in charge of taking his own meds.  He will be on his own to deal with his social anxiety.  In a way it is good practice for his mission (yes, he still plans on serving a mission...might be a little later than other boys but I'm ok with that).  He was excited to go until he walked in on us talking on the phone with the leader going with them.  We felt that we needed to give him the head's up about Adam's bipolar and see if he could just check in with Adam to make sure he was taking his meds.  It wasn't that long ago that Adam was threatening to quit taking them, so I didn't want him to look at this week as a great opportunity to try that!  Also, we got him special permission to take his phone in case he gets hard core anxiety and needs to be talked through it.  He didn't want someone checking up on him - said he didn't need a babysitter.  I understand him feeling uncomfortable with that but the bottom line is, he needs someone right now.  Plus, if I was the leader, I would want to know what I was dealing with.
And then there is Sam.  Sam gets homesick.  He is so socially awkward that it is painful.  So he misses the unconditional love and acceptance that he gets at home and wants it when he feels like he doesn't fit in.  He has been treated badly, but really no more than other boys.  We had to pep-talk the heck out of him - and even then it almost wasn't enough.  Frankly, the kid is 13 years old.  He needs to man up.  I am getting pretty sick of the clinginess!  I am hoping that he makes some friends, strengthens friendships that he already has, and sees that he doesn't need mom and dad to be happy.  There has been a certain amount of enabling here, I am trying to counter that.
So, Chad gave them both blessings.  Say what you want about it, it is just scout camp, right?  But don't judge.  It was a sweet family moment, and afterward, they seemed calm and happy.  Sophie had some questions about the Priesthood.  It was a learning experience for all of us.  And then I had to get the boys out of bed at 3:25 am to get them to the church on time to catch their rides.  I'm feeling hung over!  But they were fine, even excited, so I'm not too worried.  They're going to have a great week.

So its just me and Sophie this week, and she is certain to get bored.  But I am REALLY enjoying the girl time with her.  We went on a walk this morning, very good for me, and had a good talk.  I  am taking advantage of this girl time to talk to her about who she is and what she stands for.  I am sneaking in little comments about the gospel every time I can, without seeming preachy.  We have all kinds of activities planned, from crafts to movies to play dates and special lunches.  I love that girlie and I want her to grow up as strong and faithful as her older sister.  I also want her to know that I love her so much and I want us to be besties just like me and Meg.  No taking a break this week, it will be packed with Sophie specialness.  She deserves it, she is a GREAT kid!  

There's a hole in my heart.

Last Saturday, Meg left the MTC for Fiji.  Missionaries are allowed to call home from the airport and are given a 15 minute phone card...so I was one super excited Mama!  She told us that she would call around 5:00pm.  That came and went.  So did 6:30pm.  At 7:00, Chad called the MTC to see if she had really left.  She had.  Finally, at 7:15pm, we got the phone call.  It was so sweet to hear her voice!  After she used up the 15minutes, she called us back again with another card she had purchased from the bookstore...and when she used that one up, she used her ATM card.  Haha, we talked for 3 HOURS!!!  It was the best phone call of my life.  She spoke Fijian to us and wow, is it a funny-sounding language!  We talked about the MTC, and who she saw there, and her calling there, and then we talked about all the news from home, and she talked to each of the kids, and she was so spiritual.  And so excited!  After 3 hours (most of which was monopolized by ME), we kind of ran out of things to talk about, and it was getting close to her boarding time, so we said goodbye.  I got a little teary but I tried to hold it in until we got off the phone.  And then she flew for 15 hours, then caught a shuttle and rode it for 4 hours to get to Suva and the mission home.  She completely missed Sunday, since Fiji is 19 hrs ahead of us.  And my heart was aching.  And every day I get slammed in the pit of my stomach with the knowledge that my best friend is far far away and I won't get to see her for 17 months.  Oh, it is bittersweet!  But I am trying to focus on the missionary miracles that we are seeing here and there.  Here and there.  At least I'm not crying anymore.

We're boycotting Pickles Deli

Last Thursday, Adam went around to all of the places he applied asking if they had received his applications and also if they were hiring.  It was amazing, but he got asked in for an interview at Pickles (one of our very favorite deli restaurants because you can get just about any food you want, prepared any way you want.  They even threw chocolate chips in Sophie's waffles when she requested it.  You don't find that in a restaurant very often.).  The interview went well, and about two hrs later, they called him to say that he was hired!  We were all dancing and very happy.  But then a thought came to me...did Adam make it very clear that he would not be able to work Sundays?  He called back and told them that, and they said no problem, he didn't have to work Sundays and could he please start at 9:30 Monday morning?  Again, we were so excited (me more than anybody else).  But then, 15 minutes later, the Pickles manager called and fired Adam, saying that they had talked to the boss and he told them that they specifically needed someone who could work Sundays.  I think Adam is the first person in history to be hired and fired in 15 minutes.  Truly, that was SO unprofessional of Pickles.  Why didn't they read on his application that he wouldn't be available on Sundays.  And why did they say its ok when he called to confirm it?  I was and am actually pretty crushed.  That boy is taking up so much of my time and mental/emotional energy that I was enjoying the idea of spending more time with Sam and Sophie while he was at work.  Stupid Pickles.  Also, when being faithful about keeping the Sabbath Day holy, there are blessings, right?  I thought that the blessing would be getting a job that was good and right for Adam.  But Chad pointed out that maybe the blessing is that Adam shouldn't have a job right now.  He will have a lot of things on his plate in the fall - he tried out for and made the school choir, and there's cross country, and a full schedule of classwork.  And there is only 1 2/3 months left until school starts...so I am trying to have faith.  My faith is tested every single day.

Working hard to find work.

I spent three hours this afternoon driving around Newbury and T.O. looking for a job for Adam.  It was exhausting.  We must have applied at 10 different places, and if you've ever filled out job applications, you know how long that takes, and what a pain it is.  My arm aches, and I only actually filled out 4 of them (Adam's writing is pathetic).  Sheesh.  Now I am praying as hard as I can that he will find a job.  We will be back out there tomorrow.  And it is a lucky thing I went with him - he was exhausted after two hours.  Go, Adam, Go!
(Also, anyone know of a job opening for a high school student who can't/won't work on Sundays?)

A new calling

Today I got a new calling.  I was called and sustained within 15 minutes...my head is still spinning.  But I am so excited!  I get to serve with women that I admire and like, and I get to work with 12-13 year old girls.  The calling?  2nd counselor in the YW presidency.  It has been 10 years since I served in YW, and I have wanted back in for years.  I wanted to serve while Meg was in YW but it wasn't to be.  Which was fine, because if I had been in there, she wouldn't have become the awesome woman that she is - the Lord knows what is best.  

A calling in YW is super busy but really rewarding!  I look forward to getting to know those 15 Beehives and learning all that they have to teach me.  They'll think it is the other way around, but I know the truth.  The truth is that the learning has already begun. :o)

Sophie was so upset when they released me from my calling as Activity Day leader.  She thought, for some reason, that I had chosen to be released and asked for this new calling.  She pushed me away in tears and wouldn't speak to me all of Sac. meeting.  But I explained to her that callings come from the Lord.  I didn't make the choice, but the Heavenly Father did.  And I explained that she could come to our activities (since Chad is involved in YM, and obviously, Adam and Sam are there too).  When I was set apart, the Bishop mentioned that Sophie would be able to come to the activities and learn from the older girls.  I peeked and Sophie was smiling big.  Our bishop is so great.  

I love this ward.  It is a pleasure to serve here.  I've had three callings in the past year that we've lived here, and every one has been great.      

Why is my power bill so high and it isn't even July yet?

Everybody who lives in Ventura County CA knows, June is a gloomy month.  We call it June Gloom, and it is in the lower 70's (there is steam rising off my pool in the mornings!), and overcast almost the entire month.  It is not summer weather at all.  And yet, the schools let out for the summer between June 7-15.  WHAT is the point, I ask you?  Nobody wants to go swimming or to the beach when it is so dang cold.  My suggestion is that the last day of school should be the very end of June, and the first day of school should be the last day of September, when it is so hot and the kids come home hot and sticky and want to swim.  Where is the logic of the current schedule?!
You may be wondering why I am whining about this since most of my kids are homeschooled.  Well, we do our homeschooling through a great charter school and of course, their programs start on August 23rd, and end on June 7.  I need to talk to them about that.
Anyway, I got the power bill yesterday and about passed out.  I don't even want to say how much it was, you would all pass out too.  The pool is probably the biggest offender, but it wasn't this expensive in the winter, and we run the filter about the same amount of time every day.  Also, think about all the extra power that is used at Christmas when we run all those decorative lights?  Is it possible that the power company is jacking up the cost of electricity on the same schedule as the school year?  Sounds logical.  And lame.  So it really scares me what that bill will be in August and September when it is REALLY summer!

Hooray!!!

We finally got an email!  This arrived at about 8:00 this morning, and totally made my day.  I'm a happy mama.

Ok, now I'm just annoyed.

7 days without a letter from Meg?  Really?  I thought they were supposed to have a P-day once a week, but she has been gone for a week and no letters.  Does that equal no P-day yet?  Or did she have to do snail mail and it got lost?  I know she didn't decide to not write.  Not my Meg.
Anyway.  I can't be the only missionary mom that is checking the email every 10 minutes and meeting the mailman in the street.  Am I?

My proud, aching heart

We took Meg to the MTC on Wed. I'll post more about the days leading up to that another time. It was such a bittersweet day and I have had very mixed feelings ever since. But Meg was ready and she marched off into the MTC doors without looking back once even though I was standing there watching with tears streaming down my cheeks and Sophie was wailing. I kept telling Sophie that she needed to cry more quietly because we didn't want that to be Meg's last memory of us, a bunch of blubbering idiots. I was and am so proud of Meg. She will be the best missionary ever. But here's the odd thing, something that I feel a little ashamed about. I used to text, FB, or call Meg about 25 times per day when she was at school. Especially right before bed. I would often send her a little inspirational quote or just a how are you. Then we would text back and forth for just a few minutes but it was enough for both of us to feel connected. Now that I can't do that, I am going nuts. I have written to her 3 times, sent her a package, and literally check the email about 800 times per day, just hoping for a response. And she's only been gone 2 days!!!!!  It's killing me. I feel empty. I miss that connection. It's not really getting much better but maybe I haven't given it enough time yet.  Ya think??  I'm not much good at this missionary mom stuff.

He knows me, still.

Adam ran away last night, he does this every so often.  He took off in shorts and no shoes at 9:30pm, so I figured that he would be back pretty quickly.  I have made a goal not to let him manipulate me and this running away was one of his manipulation tools.  But after an hour went by and no sign of Adam, I started to get worried.  Really worried.  He had never been gone for so long.  Meg, Sam, and Sophie were hanging around, waiting for him.  They were worried too.  But it was getting late, so we said a prayer and I sent them to bed.  And then I went to bed..and lay there, listening as hard as I could for any sound in the house that might prove that he had come home and was just hiding.  And I prayed.  I prayed that he would be safe, wherever he was.  Contrary to my normal reaction, I did not lay there in a panic, wondering if I should call the police.  I felt a peaceful calm grow within me.  I knew then, that he wasn't out on the streets, but I wanted know exactly where Adam was.  And I couldn't go looking for him or calling for him or he would know he had won.  So I prayed that I would know where he was, and I immediately had a picture in my head of him laying under the piano.  I jumped out of bed and snuck downstairs.  I looked under the piano, and sure enough, there he was, just like I had seen him earlier.

I am humbled to know that the Lord had heard my prayers like that and blessed me with a small sort of vision.  It wasn't just a warm feeling of comfort (although that was there too), it was a definite picture, plain as day.  I knew that Heavenly Father knows me and understands my struggle and pain.  He knows what I am trying to do with Adam, and he helped me accomplish my goal of not being manipulated, and yet know that my son was safe.  In this frustrating fight, there have often been tender mercies.  But this was the first time I had a picture in my head that was this exactly accurate, and that was so immediately given.  When I got back upstairs, I fell to my knees and poured out my gratitude for this blessing.  And for all the others that I haven't recognized.  There have been so many.      

Tender Mercies and Miracles

Last Thursday at about 7:30am, I smelled smoke outside.  When I dropped Adam off at school we joked about there being an evacuation - I told him, "No matter what, I will come and get you.  Right in this spot.  So don't leave, haha!"  Haha.  When I went home, Sam was up and out standing on top of the rock slide, he saw a lot of smoke and was nervous.  I thought the wind was blowing the other way. About 45 minutes later, this is what I saw in my front yard:

Although my neighbors were outside gawking at the smoke and visible flames, I felt like we needed to leave.  I was having trouble breathing because of that smoke, and I could see how fast those flames were moving.  And other than a track-hoe trailer, there were no fire trucks visible.  I started to get very nervous.  Went back into the house, told the kids to pack up things that were special to them, and load it into the truck.  Meg was still asleep, she evacuated in her pajamas!  I grabbed the computer (so many pictures are on it!) and all the valuables and threw them in the truck.  Sophie came out with her bike helmut on!  I don't know how the helmut was supposed to save her from flames, but she was ready.  I felt prompted to shut all the windows - lock them down.  We didn't even lock the doors!  We just left.  As we drove out of the neighborhood, we passed 11 fire trucks.  I was so glad to see them!  Also, just as we drove out of Dos Vientos, they closed Borchard Rd - the main entrance to our neighborhood.  We saw flames on every side.  

I felt prompted to drive straight to the high school.  I was missing one kid, and I wanted him with us.  I pulled into a parking spot right in front of the school, right where I had dropped Adam off that morning.  Almost immediately, I got a text from Adam that they were evacuating the school and could I come and get him...I said we were already there.  He was one of the first ones out, and I left immediately so I wouldn't get stuck in the traffic mess.  Then I realized that I had evacuated without any of our meds.  I had no idea how long we would have to be gone, and I had no idea if our house would be there after they got the fire contained.  I started to panic a little again (with my epilepsy and Adam's bipolar, we had to have those meds!) I started to get choked up, but then I was prompted to go to Target pharmacy to see if I could just get a few days worth of meds for me and Adam.  It took awhile, but they gave me 5 days worth.  I didn't even have to pay for them!  Target was being very good to evacuees.  Then I got a phone call from our Bishop...Bishop Jaggi, I was never so happy to hear his voice.  He asked if we got out, made sure we were all together and ok, and then told me that there were flames all around our house but he thought he saw them dump fire retardant in the area (he ended up being mistaken).  He told me that people were evacuating to the stake center.  When he said that, my panic immediately subsided.  Immediately.  I knew exactly where to go and what to do.  I knew that there would be Priesthood holders at the church who would be keeping track of the fire and would tell me when it was safe to go home.  It was a little weird taking the dogs into the church.  They didn't pee on anything, don't worry!  :)

After about 2 hours wandering around the church, talking to Chad on the phone (he was going crazy at work in Santa Barbara), and trying not to cry, I finally got some news.  The Bishop came up to me and said that one of the brethren in our ward had gone up to my house and could verify that it was still standing and undamaged.  He went around and locked all my doors in case of looting.  Shortly after that, a friend in the ward came up and told me that her husband, who is a lineman for S. CA Edison, was driving around and drove up to check on our house - he called her and told her to tell me everything was ok.  We don't live on the same street as anyone else in our ward...those guys went out to our house on purpose to make sure we still had a place to live.  With flames still all around, they were looking out for us and other ward members.  I love the Priesthood!

With two witnesses telling us it was ok, I decided to go home and pack up a few more things.  The fire was still burning in the hills nearby and I figured that we would have to sleep somewhere else.  But we needed clothes etc.  We snuck into the neighborhood via a fire road that was usually closed off with a barrier...amazingly, we didn't get stopped.  We drove home, passing fire trucks and police cars all the way.  When we went in our house, the smoke was so thick that we couldn't breathe.  The kids all used wet dish towels over their faces to be able to breathe.  It was so bad!  I grabbed some duffle bags, told the kids to pack clothes for two days, and then we left again and went straight to the Courtyard Marriott.  Amazingly (again) the manager at the front desk was a man we knew from Moorpark.  We explained what was happening, and he said he would give us a big discount and allow our dogs inside.  It was so great!  The rooms were nice, comfortable, and not at all smoky.  What a relief!  Plus the Books of Mormon in all the desks were a nice touch.  :)

There were a lot of people from our ward who evacuated to the Marriott.  And we all ended up at a nearby Chili's for dinner.  It was like a ward activity and great to be able to talk to everyone.  It was so wonderful to hear that not one member of our ward had a damaged home, and that everyone got out ok.  I was so happy to hear that!   I had trouble sleeping though.  I kept thinking about the fear I felt.  The worry that we would lose all our possessions.  Although we are renting, everything that is important to us is in this house.  Chad kept telling me that as long as we were all safe, everything else could be replaced.  I know that is true, but I kept thinking about the HUGE hassle it would be to deal with a burned out house...I knew we had been blessed.   

The next morning, I got up, went straight to Home Depot, and bought air purifiers.  Then we went home, hoping the smoke damage wouldn't be too bad, hoping nothing had happened in the night.  It was pretty bad inside but still much better than the day before.  Then the clean up began.  

My kids have never worked so hard in their lives.  There was a layer of ash on every surface and cinders on the floor by every door.  In the boys' rooms, there was a lot of ash - I think the wind was coming from that direction.  We vacuumed it all up and had to wash the bedding and such.  It took us hours, and we hadn't even started with outside.  The pool was full of cinders and ash.  And a dead rabbit in the bottom.  There were huge piles of ash and cinders in all the corners, and the wind had blown all of our lawn furniture against a fence.  That must have been some powerful wind!

Amazingly (again) I was able to reach my gardener and convince him to come out and use his leaf blower to get all the ash cleaned up.  I am so grateful for that man.  He worked out there for over 2 hours, wearing a mask, getting it all gathered up and into our trash can.  

About that time, Meg decided to go for a little walk into the hills and take some pictures of the damage. This is what she saw:

 A geocache, destroyed.  We didn't even know it was there.

 It wasn't until we saw these pictures that we realized just how close the flames came to our house.  It is like there was a protective shield around our house and yard!  There were a few little black spots inside our yard, but mostly it came right to the fence and then died.  I don't know why.  I think maybe the fire fighters lit back fires, or the helicopter dumped water on it.  But I do believe in miracles, and this was a HUGE one.

It rained two days after we went home.  The Lord sent a soft rain, enough to dampen the earth, put out the hot spots, and moisten our skin.  Not enough rain to cause a mud slide.  Another tender mercy.

This whole experience has been a lesson in the compassionate nature of the Lord.  He is aware of us and our needs.  It has been such a bad year so far, our family has struggled with so much.  But the Lord knows us.  Between Him and the fire fighters, our miracle occurred.  I am so filled with gratitude!  I know this is long but I wanted a record of all the tender mercies, promptings, and miracles that we experienced through this Springs Fire 2013.  Let it be a testimony to us and to our grandchildren.  God lives, loves us, and miracles still happen.

Oh, my heart!

Meg came home from BYU on Saturday.  The minute she walked in the door, a whole different spirit was ushered into our home and family.  There was music, and laughter, and joy.  Of all the things about Meg that I have missed the most, it is the music.  I can't convince anyone else in this family to sing or play their instruments.  Meg sings pretty much everywhere she goes...and it is beautiful.  Also, Meg is wonderful for Adam.  He is at ease with her and they can be social together.  Now that he is more stable, they are starting to get their friendship back, and it is a beautiful thing to see.  It warms my heart and but also makes it ache that in a month, she will be gone and that musical joy will be in Fiji instead of here.  I think I will cry every day.  Having a missionary is so bittersweet.  I love that she has such a strong testimony and wants to serve the Lord and His children.  But I ache with missing her.  What the heck, I am crying already and she hasn't even left.  :(((

Blessings

Last night my orthodontist hubby was recognized by a school PTA for donating $5000 worth of braces per year, to the school auction for the past 5 years.  They said that he single-handedly created 2 smart classrooms.  Which I assume is pretty expensive...and the funny thing is, after the dinner and awards ceremony, he was swamped by PTA people from multiple other schools who had also benefitted from the same types of donations but just hadn't formally recognized him.  And Chad was just embarrassed.  He never expected or wanted recognition.  This experience made me start to reflect on blessings in this life.  Our attitude toward donations has always been this:  the Lord has seen fit to bless us, so how could we be selfish with it?  And its true.  Although we have had challenges, and I have complained about them here and elsewhere, overall, we have been greatly greatly blessed.

I believe that all people are "blessed" with challenges in this life so that we can be humbled, and so that we can gain strength and stamina to endure to the end.  Each of us are given the challenges that are uniquely matched to our weaknesses.  I have a lot of weaknesses.  Self-pity, discouragement, and huge insecurities about how to be a good mom being some of them.  But I find strength and encouragement in scripture study, prayer, and the love and support of wonderful people.  So even in the midst of uncertainty, fear, and worry, I am overwhelmingly blessed.

Since Adam's diagnosis, I have noticed that the Lord has placed in my life one person after another who have experience with bipolar.  You wouldn't believe how many people that I know who have someone in their family that is bipolar.  I have been pretty shocked.  He has led me to articles, support groups, even U-tube videos, that inspire me to be more active in the bipolar community.  And most of all, He has given me 3 other wonderful children who, although being knuckleheads in many ways, are just joys in my life.  Adam is a joy too, in a different way.  When he is having a good day, and those rare moments of kindness show,  all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him.  Which might seem kind of weird after the incredible frustration the day before of him annoying the heck out of all of us!  That is patience.  It is also a blessing from the Lord.  Because I am not naturally a very patient person.  So I am learning.

I can see that a big thing that I need to work on is counting all my blessings.  Those tender mercies.  I'm on board!

Maybe our family is just socially awkward, we should embrace it.

Have you ever noticed that your kids behave differently at home with the family, than they do out in the big bad world?  My kids have been struggling with this phenomenon pretty much ever since preschool.  And I just never got it!  Are we cursed?

I grew up in a big family, the youngest of 6 kids.  My older siblings smoothed the way for me, looked out for me, and taught me by example, both good and bad.  I didn't have social problems beyond the usual ones.  And once I hit high school, I really blossomed.  I was a cheerleader (that was cool in those days), a gymnast, and homecoming princess my sophomore year.  I dated cute football players and smart intellectuals (who were also cute).  I felt well-adjusted and even...dare I say...popular.  I figured that pattern would be repeated in my future family.  But I saw a lot of stuff that the popular kids did to stay that way and I decided that popular wasn't that great.  Plus, I didn't like to play those games.  My senior year of high school was when I stopped really caring where I fit in with the crowd and did things my own way.  It was incredibly freeing.

A few years later, I married a man who had been a bit socially awkward and only had a few good friends (although you would never know that now!).  But he was happy and has no regrets.  He stopped socially caring very early on and embraced his smarts (that really attracted me!).  He has since chosen a career that requires A LOT of shmoozing and social skills.  So he really knows what he is doing...but he is confident and secure regardless.

And we had 4 kids.  Who, like other kids, cared very much.  But they were awkward.  Especially Adam, who was struggling with severe social anxiety and his bipolar disorder (although we didn't know it at the time).  I remember one time, watching him get out of the car for a Cub Scout pack meeting, and he literally changed his stance, the look on his face, and the way he walked.  He looked like a different kid.  And every time he came home, he was complaining about the other boys giving him grief.  Of course I talked to Scoutmasters, Primary teachers, teachers at school, and the parents of the other boys.  But it didn't ever stop.  We put the kid in 3 different elementary schools, and then home schooled him for three years.  The bullying became physical - he has had two concussions, and a broken finger from other boys pushing him down.  He was in therapy for two years and on meds for one before we got the diagnosis of Aspergers.  Which explained some of the social problems, but didn't stop the bullying.  All throughout this time, Adam would have major meltdowns at home (uncontrollable crying, curling up in a ball and rocking himself, running away - he still does all of that sometimes), which scared us but we thought it was part of the Aspergers.  Back to therapy and meds. Not Aspergers. The amount of money spent on therapy is mind boggling.  But at least we can afford it.  We feel so blessed for that!

Knowing what went on behind our closed doors, Meg was super protective of him to the point that she would tell off the other kids on a daily basis.  It totally ruined her social life.  But she was a little backwards too, in need of friends who would understand this drama and be supportive to her...it didn't happen.  She and Adam became best friends, depending on each other for that support.

Then Sam.  Sam is still young enough that we don't know exactly how he will turn out.  But most of his life, he has been understood better by adults than by his peer group.  He makes the kind of jokes and quotes movies, TV shows, and games, that nobody else gets.  The other kids roll their eyes at him.  He is also being home schooled and LOVES it.  When I mentioned him going back to school next year, he just froze.  I have watched him change into another kid when getting out of the car for Scouts.  And right after this move, he came home from his first Scout activity and said, "I'm just the nerd here again."  I told him to embrace it.

Sophie is totally hyper when she leaves home.  She runs around and hugs everyone else and talks constantly.  She does have friends but is the loudest of all of them.  I didn't notice that until I started running Activity Days.  She is the worst one of all of them...and I have 19 girls!  She is being home schooled too.

Here's the funny thing.  At home, when Adam is leveled out (not depressed or manic which is barely happening but I am so glad), things are relatively calm.  The kids are fine.  We get along.  We spend time together and support each other and have fun together.  We are a team.  No matter how bad Adam gets, he has us.  And no matter how bad Sam, Sophie, and Meg feel, they have each other and us.  People see Meg's incredibly loving posts on facebook and ask us what our secret is.  And here it is: All those years of social awkwardness brought us together like nothing else could...it was us against the world.

Our family is socially awkward, and we embrace it.  We are a team.