First, I have been feeling like a terrible mom. While working so hard to get Adam stabilized, I have let everything else go. Sam and Sophie (when not doing schoolwork or P.E.) are on the computer and TV and not being productive. Chores have not been done for months (and I am doing the work instead). I feel like no one is listening to me and my house is generally out of control. I am yelling a lot and parenting with emotion and not using logic.
So, Chad and I had a long discussion about it all and we came up with some ideas. Reward for good behavior, removing the reward when there is bad behavior. Extra reward if the original reward is earned and good behavior maintained all day. For example: We have 8 rules. One of them is to listen and obey the first time. The reward for keeping all the rules all day is "fun time"(video game, TV, and computer time), and if they earn all their "fun time" for the week then they get some $$$ (most kids get allowance anyway, mine don't). We also came up with tons of money-earning chores. With this money, they pay tithing, put half in savings, and get to spend the rest on whatever they want, including candy and junk food (I'm not buying anymore of it, I shouldn't be eating it anyway).
I hope it works. And I hope I can remember it all because I am notoriously bad at parenting logically. I usually work off emotion and it really doesn't work. And I just find myself crying and complaining. This will be a new experience for us all. I fully expect Adam to have a huge hissy fit and push against every rule he can. It will be miserable and I am not looking forward to it. Groan. But, here we go.
Second, I put on a lot of weight while struggling with Adam's stability. I was stressed and emotional and in survival mode. And really, I just barely got out of that mode about a week ago! But, we have family pictures coming up and they will likely be the last ones for years because Meg is going on her mission, and then (hopefully) Adam will be going. I do not want to be this fat for these pictures. They will be hanging on our wall for years to come. I have 8 weeks, and I want to lose as much as I can in those 8 weeks. I also want to be able to run again. I have had second and third opinions and also visited a good sports chiropractor, and the theory is that if I really work on strengthening my core (even when I was thin, I never worked on my core), then it will be able to prop up my back better and keep the nerve from being pinched. So I hired a trainer and told her that I need to work on core strength, and I need her to check in with me every day to make sure I am getting some cardio in, and counting my calories properly. She isn't overly enthusiastic (not a good cheerleader), so I don't think I will stay with her when my contract runs out. But hopefully by then we will have made some serious progress and I will be able to continue what she has taught me. I won't run until I have lost at least 25 lbs. I don't want to injure the back again. That will take up all of those 8 weeks and probably more. Maybe by summer, I will be able to run a little bit. But a little bit is better than none. I loved running. I miss it so bad, mentally and physically! I really hope this plan works! I've been doing it for a week, and I lost 6 lbs (!!!) last week. Giddy up, Laura, here we go!
Now, if only Adam would get completely stable and be able to function normally. Our biggest problem with him right now is his jerk-ness. And how to tell if it is the bipolar or just a teenager with a very bad attitude. Very difficult.
Wish me luck!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
What a difference a week makes!
At the risk of this turning into an Adam-only blog, I am posting another one about him. But I promise that I will at least mention my three other wonderful beloved children!
Let me just tell you about this week so far. Adam went back to school yesterday (Monday). When I picked him up, he was HAPPY!!! I asked him how his day was, and he said, "fine". (!!!!!) When he got home, he went for a bike ride (!!!), then got out his Eagle paperwork (he only has to finish up the paperwork and schedule his Board of Review before he can get the dang thing, and I told him he better hurry up and get the Eagle before BSA starts accepting gay scout leaders in May because if they do, I quit BSA. I hate the whole stupid bureaucratic system anyway.) and started looking at what he needed to get done!!!!! Then he looked all over the house until he found his scout book and the binder with all his blue cards. Then he was nice to Sam!!! And this morning, he got up for seminary!!! I am so crossing my fingers that this lasts because he is happy, and so are we!
BTW, I didn't mention that Meg got her mission call to Fiji, one of the main reasons that she is going (she says) is so that our family (Adam) will be blessed. She is such an angel and I am convinced that when I volunteered to mother Adam, the Lord said, "Ok, you can have Megan then. You're going to need her." And Meg and I were excited because we were best friends in the pre-existence. It resonates with me so let it be.
I am homeschooling Sam and Sophie. It has been great with Sam, but Sophie is going back to public school next semester. I get the theory behind homeschooling, but I have been so overwhelmed with my life lately that I have not been able to give her the attention she needs. I feel like I am failing her. The reason why Sam has been good is that he is doing it all online. When he needs help, he calls a teacher on the phone. It is great, he loves it, and he is getting GREAT grades. He is a self-starter and that makes it all so much easier. I want to give each of my kids everything that they need to succeed in life, and recognizing that they each have different needs, I am hopping all the time. If I just didn't love them all so darn much! Haha.
Well, back to work!
Let me just tell you about this week so far. Adam went back to school yesterday (Monday). When I picked him up, he was HAPPY!!! I asked him how his day was, and he said, "fine". (!!!!!) When he got home, he went for a bike ride (!!!), then got out his Eagle paperwork (he only has to finish up the paperwork and schedule his Board of Review before he can get the dang thing, and I told him he better hurry up and get the Eagle before BSA starts accepting gay scout leaders in May because if they do, I quit BSA. I hate the whole stupid bureaucratic system anyway.) and started looking at what he needed to get done!!!!! Then he looked all over the house until he found his scout book and the binder with all his blue cards. Then he was nice to Sam!!! And this morning, he got up for seminary!!! I am so crossing my fingers that this lasts because he is happy, and so are we!
BTW, I didn't mention that Meg got her mission call to Fiji, one of the main reasons that she is going (she says) is so that our family (Adam) will be blessed. She is such an angel and I am convinced that when I volunteered to mother Adam, the Lord said, "Ok, you can have Megan then. You're going to need her." And Meg and I were excited because we were best friends in the pre-existence. It resonates with me so let it be.
I am homeschooling Sam and Sophie. It has been great with Sam, but Sophie is going back to public school next semester. I get the theory behind homeschooling, but I have been so overwhelmed with my life lately that I have not been able to give her the attention she needs. I feel like I am failing her. The reason why Sam has been good is that he is doing it all online. When he needs help, he calls a teacher on the phone. It is great, he loves it, and he is getting GREAT grades. He is a self-starter and that makes it all so much easier. I want to give each of my kids everything that they need to succeed in life, and recognizing that they each have different needs, I am hopping all the time. If I just didn't love them all so darn much! Haha.
Well, back to work!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Hell
4 months ago, Adam was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Of course, with an early diagnosis of Aspergers, we saw a lot of weird behaviors from Adam ever since he was little, but never anything like his behavior the beginning of November. He became increasingly talkative, to the point that he wouldn't let anyone else say a word, and then after some particularly stressful situations, he stopped making sense, and started claiming that he was super efficient and could think two thoughts at the same time, among other things. His facial expressions were different. I felt like I didn't even know my own kid. It scared the pants off of us, and I immediately called the psychiatrist that Adam had been seeing for depression and anxiety. Miraculously, I was able to get him in the very next day, while he was still manic, and the diagnosis was easy. Furthermore, the doctor told me that Adam had been misdiagnosed with Aspergers. He said that the whole time Adam had been seeing him, that he doubted that diagnosis. As I look back, I can see the bipolar symptoms popping up all of Adam's life. Most of them had to do with social situations, which was the main reason the doctors thought it was Aspergers. Anxiety triggers the manic/depressive episodes, and Adam's worst anxiety is in social situations. Compounded by years of physical and emotional bullying, in places and situations where he was supposed to feel safe. Adam has grown up feeling like he can't do anything right, and no matter how hard he tried to fit in, he still couldn't control that anxiety, which made him act weird, which made the other kids uncomfortable, which led to bullying. A relentless, destructive cycle. And my heart aches when I think about what all of that did to my mentally and emotionally fragile son. Of course, at the time, nobody knew just how mentally fragile he was. We could only base it on his behavior, and that behavior wasn't always so great, and sometimes felt downright manipulative. I'm so glad I home schooled him through middle school. He at least got a small reprieve during the week then, although Sundays and Scout activities were still torture. Even so, there is a huge part of me that feels to blame for everything that happened to Adam. Why didn't we move sooner? We were so afraid of making things worse with other people, with making a scene, that we made them worse for our son. Yes, there are good things that we learned and gained through experiencing those years, but were they worth it? I don't know. I will second-guess our decisions forever.
But at least Adam was diagnosed before he could make a complete ruin of his life. Most bipolar people go through 10-15 years from first bipolar episode until diagnosis is made. They see an average of 4 different psychiatrists before a diagnosis is finally made. Bipolar can look like a lot of different things, and it is often misdiagnosed. So we are blessed, in a twisted way. Most bipolar people get into substance abuse, unsafe sexual experiences, and reckless behavior in general. Adam hasn't done that. Well, his driving is a bit reckless, but otherwise, he's ok. And his grades are still good. So maybe he has screwed up his friendships, but that's about it, and that can be worked on. Thankfully, we live in a good ward, with a great bishop, and a big Priest quorum. In that quorum, there is an openly gay kid and some kids with learning disabilities. If he plays this right, Adam will be ok on that front.
The trick is playing it right.
The biggest problem with bipolar disorder is getting the meds right. It takes FOREVER to get the meds right. Some people go years having to change meds around until they find the right cocktail that works for them. And no two bipolar people are the same, so it is just hit and miss until it works. My prayers are always that we will find the meds that work sooner rather than later. Until then, Adam experiences such severe mood swings that he has either seriously considered the possibility of running for US president, or seriously contemplated suicide. He spent last weekend in a mental health facility on suicide watch. What?! But they changed his meds, and now, just one week later, he is bopping around, playing Halo with friends, and trying to talk me into letting him get a job so he can buy a Mini. (that's not manic. that's teenager. I'm happy.)
So, yes, bipolar is hell. And once you get in a good place with the bipolar, then there is all the social stuff that we have to deal with...people are really scared of mental health issues. Especially with all the shootings and horrible things that have happened at the hands of mentally ill people. There is such a stigma...understandably. But the truth is, if mentally ill people got the help they needed, there wouldn't be violence like that. With the right meds, mentally ill people recover all the time. In fact, there are more people around you who have mental illness than you would ever believe. If you took the manic out of bipolar, then you would have depression and anxiety. And how many people do you know who are on Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc. for depression and anxiety?! I rest my case.
I pray every day that Adam can recover from this. That he will get on the right meds, and keep taking his meds, even when he feels better, and that all the therapy will help him get past all his damaged past. I love that boy so much. I just want him to be happy, and live as normal of a life as possible. I will do everything it takes to make that happen. Everything. Including living through hell.
But at least Adam was diagnosed before he could make a complete ruin of his life. Most bipolar people go through 10-15 years from first bipolar episode until diagnosis is made. They see an average of 4 different psychiatrists before a diagnosis is finally made. Bipolar can look like a lot of different things, and it is often misdiagnosed. So we are blessed, in a twisted way. Most bipolar people get into substance abuse, unsafe sexual experiences, and reckless behavior in general. Adam hasn't done that. Well, his driving is a bit reckless, but otherwise, he's ok. And his grades are still good. So maybe he has screwed up his friendships, but that's about it, and that can be worked on. Thankfully, we live in a good ward, with a great bishop, and a big Priest quorum. In that quorum, there is an openly gay kid and some kids with learning disabilities. If he plays this right, Adam will be ok on that front.
The trick is playing it right.
The biggest problem with bipolar disorder is getting the meds right. It takes FOREVER to get the meds right. Some people go years having to change meds around until they find the right cocktail that works for them. And no two bipolar people are the same, so it is just hit and miss until it works. My prayers are always that we will find the meds that work sooner rather than later. Until then, Adam experiences such severe mood swings that he has either seriously considered the possibility of running for US president, or seriously contemplated suicide. He spent last weekend in a mental health facility on suicide watch. What?! But they changed his meds, and now, just one week later, he is bopping around, playing Halo with friends, and trying to talk me into letting him get a job so he can buy a Mini. (that's not manic. that's teenager. I'm happy.)
So, yes, bipolar is hell. And once you get in a good place with the bipolar, then there is all the social stuff that we have to deal with...people are really scared of mental health issues. Especially with all the shootings and horrible things that have happened at the hands of mentally ill people. There is such a stigma...understandably. But the truth is, if mentally ill people got the help they needed, there wouldn't be violence like that. With the right meds, mentally ill people recover all the time. In fact, there are more people around you who have mental illness than you would ever believe. If you took the manic out of bipolar, then you would have depression and anxiety. And how many people do you know who are on Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc. for depression and anxiety?! I rest my case.
I pray every day that Adam can recover from this. That he will get on the right meds, and keep taking his meds, even when he feels better, and that all the therapy will help him get past all his damaged past. I love that boy so much. I just want him to be happy, and live as normal of a life as possible. I will do everything it takes to make that happen. Everything. Including living through hell.
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