57 lbs healthier

Last summer I had gastric bypass surgery.  It was a very hard decision, but there were a number of factors that pushed me in that direction.  1) I was diagnosed pre-diabetic.  It runs in my family, and my blood sugar was nuts.  I even had to have insulin a few times, especially in the hospital after my surgery...for no good reason since I hadn't eaten anything in like two days.  My mama is diabetic and hates it so bad...she cried when I told her about the diagnosis.  2) Heart disease runs in my family.  Along with knee and hip deterioration and replacement.  3) I am so heartily sick and tired of the battle - up, down, up, down, then up up up.  It has been pretty much the roughest year of my life, and it showed.  I knew I needed to make some serious changes and I needed help.

I have hesitated to make this such public knowledge.  I have not been keeping it a secret (if you asked how I was losing so much weight, I would tell you).  But I also am not advertising it.  No poster child here.  And the reason for this is that a lot of people think that bariatric surgery is taking the easy way out.  There is a misconception out there that people who go this route are just not willing to diet and exercise.  That they are lazy.  Well, for someone who has fat genes, who has a food addiction, who has chronic injuries that keep them from being able to run like she wants to so badly (that would be me)...bariatric surgery is a tool to help make major lifestyle changes.  It is not a cop-out.  It is NOT (I repeat, NOT) easy!  So if you feel that way about me right now, you are clearly not a friend.  Sorry.  The biggest drawback that everyone has been mentioning to me is the GI tract issues.  But I have to assure you that people who have that problem are simply eating either too much, or the wrong foods.  If I eat healthy, I have NONE of those problems.
Here's what makes this so hard:  although my stomach is tiny right now due to the surgery, and I don't feel hungry that way very often, my "head hunger" is alive and roaring.  I have learned that for me, that head hunger is more powerful than any physical hunger.  So please imagine what Halloween was like for me.  My drug of choice is candy.  My back was spasming so badly that I couldn't even get out of bed, and I ended up in the ER for some kind of pain relief.  It took 3 shots of narcotic to even make a dent, and even so I passed out multiple times between the car and my bed.  And between my bed and the bathroom.  Childbirth was a breeze compared to this pain.  Adam was being a beast to the other kids, and I couldn't do anything about it.  And then the kids showed up with candy all over the house.  It felt like people were throwing it in my face.  Please try to imagine a meth addict who has to buy the drug to pass out to other people, and has it sitting around in bowls and pillowcases all over the house.  So that was bad.
Thanksgiving was even worse.  This holiday completely revolves around feasting.  Even after Thanksgiving dinner, there were the delicious leftovers, and pies sitting out on the counter.  Caramel corn.  Cookies.  Hot rolls.  That was really bad.
Now we start in with Christmas.  Making homemade desserts and treats to give to friends and loved ones.  Sigh.  Oh man, that head hunger is crying out.  Sorry folks, this year, its going to have to be store-bought.  I can't take all that baking.  Which is a shame, I am a good baker.

But, I am weathering the storms.  I am seeing a food therapist, going to a support group, keeping track of every bite that goes in my mouth, reading food labels, making every bit count, nutritionally.  Trying to convince myself that food is fuel.  And fuel only.  In about 4 more months I will start the maintenance phase of this journey, which will be even harder.  I will be able to eat more calories, but instead of being excited about that, I am terrified.  I know from experience, maintenance is a beast.

So, yeah, I have lost 57 lbs as of today.  It has been rapid weight loss but that keeps me motivated and frankly, after that surgery, I deserve it.  I expect to lose at least 25 lbs more, and then there is always a 10 lb bounce back.  At least, that is all I will ever allow myself.  I will probably be food journaling for the rest of my life.  And watching my protein!  And I am happy!  I am starting to feel thin.  People are starting to notice.  I am fitting into the lowest sizes I even own, so there will be a new wardrobe pretty soon.  But most of all, I am healthy.  I am healthy.