Stepping out of denial hurts!

First of all, I don't know who even reads this blog anymore but I am sorry for being such a complainer lately. My life is actually fantastic in many ways, and I acknowledge that! But there is heartbreak mixed in and today I just need to get this off my chest. Call it journal therapy. Sometimes it just helps to write something down. So you may want to click off of here, just fair warning. I have feelings that are all over the place. I'm trying to get them all gathered up and organized. Its going to be ugly.


Yesterday, I got a call from Elder Schweitzer of the Seventy, who is the head medical dude on the church's missionary committee. You may wonder how/why I was speaking to a General Authority! No, I did not call Salt Lake to try to pull strings or go over anybody's head. I don't believe in that.

Here's the background:

The YW secretary that I serve with is the daughter of Elder Evans of the Seventy, who is the head of the church's missionary committee. Like, if it concerns missionaries, he's the man. Anyway, he was visiting Lisa this weekend and spoke in church, and it was all very awesome to have a General Authority in our ward. I started to think…I have heard so many conflicting stories about bipolars serving missions…this would be The Guy To Ask…so I asked my friend if it would be a bother to him if I asked him about it. She said go for it. So I asked. He was so nice! He said that in general, the church doesn't let bipolars serve full time missions but since he doesn't know my son or his diagnosis, he can't speak to our situation. He asked if he could have this Elder Schweitzer call me to discuss it. So he took down my name and number and I said thank you and was a little star-struck. Fast forward two days, and I got the phone call. Elder Schweitzer asked a few questions about Adam, wanted to know what meds he is on and has he ever been hospitalized. (how could I tell him no, even though it was a stupid stunt that Adam pulled to get him out of trouble for something else? on the other hand, what sane person considers spending 3 days in a mental hospital a pleasant alternative to getting in trouble for something else? so, yeah.) So even though I have had such high hopes for so long, and been praying so hard for Adam to become healthy enough to serve a mission, I knew where the conversation was going. It was just so hard to hear. No full time mission for Adam, ever. They call it being honorably excused from the obligation of serving a mission.

So, no farewell, no open house, no plaque on the wall in the foyer, nobody bragging from the pulpit about him being such a great kid that has chosen to serve the Lord for two years in spite of all his challenges, no being able to tell people where he served his mission and how it was the hardest but the best two years of his life…even though he has had the goal of serving a mission his entire life, even though he is worthy, even though he wants to serve so bad. Even though. And if I am totally honest with myself, there is also a feeling of "well, take that, all you haters who bullied my son all of those years! now he is serving a faithful full time mission! he turned out ok!" But no. And people, being people, are going to wonder.

I totally understand why, I agree that it is safer to keep a bipolar where he can have ready access to his healthcare professionals. If Adam went totally manic, and was talking a million miles a minute, he couldn't represent the church very well. And heaven forbid him getting into that angry JA phase with a companion! And missions are hard and stressful for the healthiest of missionaries (look at Megan, for heaven's sake! cruddy companions, bedbugs, scabies, boils, depression, holy cow! she has wanted to come home early many times.). So I get it. There are no bitter feelings. But this is where I say that stepping out of denial hurts. Denial was hopeful and comfortable. Reality stinks. Truth is, Adam WON'T ever live a completely normal life. He just might end up living with us as an adult. There is no guarantee of him completing college, finding a job, and having a happy family life. We HOPE he can, but hope isn't really enough. My sister said to me, "Come on, you HAD to know that Adam probably wouldn't be serving a full time mission." No, I didn't know. That's denial for you. Everybody else did. I kind of feel like an idiot.

Yes, there are other ways for Adam to serve. Elder Schweitzer recommended that we meet with our Stake President and have him start looking for alternative opportunities and have the call be as a stake missionary. Chad and I fully intend to do that. I am sure Adam still wants to serve, but it won't be the same. Who knows. We haven't told Adam yet. Maybe it will be a relief to him. I hope he doesn't lose his motivation. Serving a mission has been a goal for so long that if we take that away, I don't know what will happen. So, we'll see about that.

I am still working through this. I know that a lot of my feelings and the grieving is probably stupid and I know that Chad is already ready for me to be past this. But I am just really sad. There was one Sunday, a Ward Conference years ago when Adam was about 13. They asked all the parents of full time missionaries to stand up to be recognized. I got a little choked up, thinking about having at least two missionaries someday, and Adam saw me. He leaned over and said to me, "Don't worry mom, I'll make sure you get to stand up like that someday. I promise!" Then I really got choked up. I have never forgotten that. Through all of the crap that kid has put me through, I never forgot that. And now I have to.

Ok, and that brings up something else. All that glorification of full-time missionaries. That's painful (which is REALLY weird, since I HAVE one!). I was already feeling kind of funny every time the bishop would get up and brag on the 18 year old missionaries, since at that time, I thought Adam would be going when he was 19. It is like, the younger a boy goes, the more faithful he must be. I can't be the only mom that was feeling funny about that. And now its going to be even worse. I totally understand how an infertile woman feels. Pregancy and children are joyful! You can't find anything negative about someone having a baby! Wonderful and exciting, but for an infertile woman, so painful. Same thing with mission calls. Wonderful and exciting for the missionary and his family! But hard for someone who can't have that. I'm not wanting to take that joy away from the missionaries and their families. I feel joy for them! Its just hard when Adam can't ever have that.

Its hard to be a member of this church when you don't fit the mold. And I'll tell you one thing, I sure have learned tons about not being judgmental and having compassion for others!!!!! Nothing like not fitting the mold to humble the heck out of you! The funny thing is that I know that NOBODY can live up to that mormon ideal, everybody has some kind of dysfunction in their family, and yet there is so much judging that goes on. I wish I could put a sign on all of our backs that says, "Yes, my son/brother is not going to be serving a full time mission. No, it has nothing to do with worthiness! He is a good boy! He is just ill. So quit judging!"


All of this makes me miss Megan so much more. I have to keep reminding myself that I do have a full-time missionary! I did get that joy and excitement of opening the call with Pres. Monson's signature at the bottom, the farewell and open house and MTC and watching her learn a new language and adjust to a new culture. I will get to meet her at the airport with balloons and signs and hugs and tears and laughter. I have experienced the bittersweet feelings particular to a missionary mom. I am a member of that club. So here is another way that girl is comforting me. SO thankful for my Meg!


So what now? Well, Adam had an appt. with his psychiatrist yesterday, no med changes. Clean bill of health for heading off to college in August. Dr. said to Adam,"Ok, I am pleased with you. You are mature about managing this illness and it shows. Your meds are balanced nicely. Don't let anybody convince you to go off your meds under any circumstances, and there isn't anything you can't do." Well, there is one thing. But overall, that was a great thing to hear. So SUU, here he comes! Oh, please let him get through this first semester ok. Please please please…


This please please please 'ing is going to be a part of my life until I die. Ever hear of the 7 stages of grief?


1. SHOCK & DENIAL- check
2. PAIN & GUILT- check
3. ANGER & BARGAINING- check
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- check
5. THE UPWARD TURN- nope
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- nope
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- nope


I've got some work to do before I can get to stage 7.  I think I need to just lower my expectations and be happy for whatever he does that is normal.  Man that stinks.