Last night my orthodontist hubby was recognized by a school PTA for donating $5000 worth of braces per year, to the school auction for the past 5 years. They said that he single-handedly created 2 smart classrooms. Which I assume is pretty expensive...and the funny thing is, after the dinner and awards ceremony, he was swamped by PTA people from multiple other schools who had also benefitted from the same types of donations but just hadn't formally recognized him. And Chad was just embarrassed. He never expected or wanted recognition. This experience made me start to reflect on blessings in this life. Our attitude toward donations has always been this: the Lord has seen fit to bless us, so how could we be selfish with it? And its true. Although we have had challenges, and I have complained about them here and elsewhere, overall, we have been greatly greatly blessed.
I believe that all people are "blessed" with challenges in this life so that we can be humbled, and so that we can gain strength and stamina to endure to the end. Each of us are given the challenges that are uniquely matched to our weaknesses. I have a lot of weaknesses. Self-pity, discouragement, and huge insecurities about how to be a good mom being some of them. But I find strength and encouragement in scripture study, prayer, and the love and support of wonderful people. So even in the midst of uncertainty, fear, and worry, I am overwhelmingly blessed.
Since Adam's diagnosis, I have noticed that the Lord has placed in my life one person after another who have experience with bipolar. You wouldn't believe how many people that I know who have someone in their family that is bipolar. I have been pretty shocked. He has led me to articles, support groups, even U-tube videos, that inspire me to be more active in the bipolar community. And most of all, He has given me 3 other wonderful children who, although being knuckleheads in many ways, are just joys in my life. Adam is a joy too, in a different way. When he is having a good day, and those rare moments of kindness show, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him. Which might seem kind of weird after the incredible frustration the day before of him annoying the heck out of all of us! That is patience. It is also a blessing from the Lord. Because I am not naturally a very patient person. So I am learning.
I can see that a big thing that I need to work on is counting all my blessings. Those tender mercies. I'm on board!
Showing posts with label mormon bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mormon bipolar. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Maybe our family is just socially awkward, we should embrace it.
Have you ever noticed that your kids behave differently at home with the family, than they do out in the big bad world? My kids have been struggling with this phenomenon pretty much ever since preschool. And I just never got it! Are we cursed?
I grew up in a big family, the youngest of 6 kids. My older siblings smoothed the way for me, looked out for me, and taught me by example, both good and bad. I didn't have social problems beyond the usual ones. And once I hit high school, I really blossomed. I was a cheerleader (that was cool in those days), a gymnast, and homecoming princess my sophomore year. I dated cute football players and smart intellectuals (who were also cute). I felt well-adjusted and even...dare I say...popular. I figured that pattern would be repeated in my future family. But I saw a lot of stuff that the popular kids did to stay that way and I decided that popular wasn't that great. Plus, I didn't like to play those games. My senior year of high school was when I stopped really caring where I fit in with the crowd and did things my own way. It was incredibly freeing.
A few years later, I married a man who had been a bit socially awkward and only had a few good friends (although you would never know that now!). But he was happy and has no regrets. He stopped socially caring very early on and embraced his smarts (that really attracted me!). He has since chosen a career that requires A LOT of shmoozing and social skills. So he really knows what he is doing...but he is confident and secure regardless.
And we had 4 kids. Who, like other kids, cared very much. But they were awkward. Especially Adam, who was struggling with severe social anxiety and his bipolar disorder (although we didn't know it at the time). I remember one time, watching him get out of the car for a Cub Scout pack meeting, and he literally changed his stance, the look on his face, and the way he walked. He looked like a different kid. And every time he came home, he was complaining about the other boys giving him grief. Of course I talked to Scoutmasters, Primary teachers, teachers at school, and the parents of the other boys. But it didn't ever stop. We put the kid in 3 different elementary schools, and then home schooled him for three years. The bullying became physical - he has had two concussions, and a broken finger from other boys pushing him down. He was in therapy for two years and on meds for one before we got the diagnosis of Aspergers. Which explained some of the social problems, but didn't stop the bullying. All throughout this time, Adam would have major meltdowns at home (uncontrollable crying, curling up in a ball and rocking himself, running away - he still does all of that sometimes), which scared us but we thought it was part of the Aspergers. Back to therapy and meds. Not Aspergers. The amount of money spent on therapy is mind boggling. But at least we can afford it. We feel so blessed for that!
Knowing what went on behind our closed doors, Meg was super protective of him to the point that she would tell off the other kids on a daily basis. It totally ruined her social life. But she was a little backwards too, in need of friends who would understand this drama and be supportive to her...it didn't happen. She and Adam became best friends, depending on each other for that support.
Then Sam. Sam is still young enough that we don't know exactly how he will turn out. But most of his life, he has been understood better by adults than by his peer group. He makes the kind of jokes and quotes movies, TV shows, and games, that nobody else gets. The other kids roll their eyes at him. He is also being home schooled and LOVES it. When I mentioned him going back to school next year, he just froze. I have watched him change into another kid when getting out of the car for Scouts. And right after this move, he came home from his first Scout activity and said, "I'm just the nerd here again." I told him to embrace it.
Sophie is totally hyper when she leaves home. She runs around and hugs everyone else and talks constantly. She does have friends but is the loudest of all of them. I didn't notice that until I started running Activity Days. She is the worst one of all of them...and I have 19 girls! She is being home schooled too.
Here's the funny thing. At home, when Adam is leveled out (not depressed or manic which is barely happening but I am so glad), things are relatively calm. The kids are fine. We get along. We spend time together and support each other and have fun together. We are a team. No matter how bad Adam gets, he has us. And no matter how bad Sam, Sophie, and Meg feel, they have each other and us. People see Meg's incredibly loving posts on facebook and ask us what our secret is. And here it is: All those years of social awkwardness brought us together like nothing else could...it was us against the world.
Our family is socially awkward, and we embrace it. We are a team.
I grew up in a big family, the youngest of 6 kids. My older siblings smoothed the way for me, looked out for me, and taught me by example, both good and bad. I didn't have social problems beyond the usual ones. And once I hit high school, I really blossomed. I was a cheerleader (that was cool in those days), a gymnast, and homecoming princess my sophomore year. I dated cute football players and smart intellectuals (who were also cute). I felt well-adjusted and even...dare I say...popular. I figured that pattern would be repeated in my future family. But I saw a lot of stuff that the popular kids did to stay that way and I decided that popular wasn't that great. Plus, I didn't like to play those games. My senior year of high school was when I stopped really caring where I fit in with the crowd and did things my own way. It was incredibly freeing.
A few years later, I married a man who had been a bit socially awkward and only had a few good friends (although you would never know that now!). But he was happy and has no regrets. He stopped socially caring very early on and embraced his smarts (that really attracted me!). He has since chosen a career that requires A LOT of shmoozing and social skills. So he really knows what he is doing...but he is confident and secure regardless.
And we had 4 kids. Who, like other kids, cared very much. But they were awkward. Especially Adam, who was struggling with severe social anxiety and his bipolar disorder (although we didn't know it at the time). I remember one time, watching him get out of the car for a Cub Scout pack meeting, and he literally changed his stance, the look on his face, and the way he walked. He looked like a different kid. And every time he came home, he was complaining about the other boys giving him grief. Of course I talked to Scoutmasters, Primary teachers, teachers at school, and the parents of the other boys. But it didn't ever stop. We put the kid in 3 different elementary schools, and then home schooled him for three years. The bullying became physical - he has had two concussions, and a broken finger from other boys pushing him down. He was in therapy for two years and on meds for one before we got the diagnosis of Aspergers. Which explained some of the social problems, but didn't stop the bullying. All throughout this time, Adam would have major meltdowns at home (uncontrollable crying, curling up in a ball and rocking himself, running away - he still does all of that sometimes), which scared us but we thought it was part of the Aspergers. Back to therapy and meds. Not Aspergers. The amount of money spent on therapy is mind boggling. But at least we can afford it. We feel so blessed for that!
Knowing what went on behind our closed doors, Meg was super protective of him to the point that she would tell off the other kids on a daily basis. It totally ruined her social life. But she was a little backwards too, in need of friends who would understand this drama and be supportive to her...it didn't happen. She and Adam became best friends, depending on each other for that support.
Then Sam. Sam is still young enough that we don't know exactly how he will turn out. But most of his life, he has been understood better by adults than by his peer group. He makes the kind of jokes and quotes movies, TV shows, and games, that nobody else gets. The other kids roll their eyes at him. He is also being home schooled and LOVES it. When I mentioned him going back to school next year, he just froze. I have watched him change into another kid when getting out of the car for Scouts. And right after this move, he came home from his first Scout activity and said, "I'm just the nerd here again." I told him to embrace it.
Sophie is totally hyper when she leaves home. She runs around and hugs everyone else and talks constantly. She does have friends but is the loudest of all of them. I didn't notice that until I started running Activity Days. She is the worst one of all of them...and I have 19 girls! She is being home schooled too.
Here's the funny thing. At home, when Adam is leveled out (not depressed or manic which is barely happening but I am so glad), things are relatively calm. The kids are fine. We get along. We spend time together and support each other and have fun together. We are a team. No matter how bad Adam gets, he has us. And no matter how bad Sam, Sophie, and Meg feel, they have each other and us. People see Meg's incredibly loving posts on facebook and ask us what our secret is. And here it is: All those years of social awkwardness brought us together like nothing else could...it was us against the world.
Our family is socially awkward, and we embrace it. We are a team.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Prom time!
It's that time again - prom season! Adam is feeling well enough to go...and I am so excited! I have only done prom with Meg, so doing it with a son is a bit different. Of course I am doing most of the work but that's ok. He found a cute girl in our ward that is a friend. And I'll make sure he gets a good run/bike ride in so he'll be a bit more mellow.
Anyway, Meg gave us such a cute idea for asking the girl! We bought a little goldfish and the bowl and accessories, and put a laminated little sign in it. And then he put it on her front porch and ran.
Anyway, Meg gave us such a cute idea for asking the girl! We bought a little goldfish and the bowl and accessories, and put a laminated little sign in it. And then he put it on her front porch and ran.
Of course, she LOVED it! Who wouldn't?
(And yes, her name is Cricket. Well, really Amelia, but she goes by Cricket and it fits her.
Little and energetic.)
Anyway, to say yes, she gave Adam a big box of fishy crackers and a card with a smily face balloon that said, "of all the fish in the sea, I'm glad you chose me!" I love Mormon prom. I love Meg for helping out so much...and she is also going to be taking all of our pictures with that expensive camera she got for Christmas. (WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WHILE MEG IS ON HER MISSION??? Adam is so blessed to have Meg for a sister.)
I don't know if Cricket knows about the bipolar but they are going with a group of guys from the quorum who know all about it and they will keep an eye on Adam. And the meds seem to be working ok so far. Fingers crossed!
Monday, April 8, 2013
That one thing we're lacking
Yesterday was General Conference. It was also my birthday, and Chad must have threatened the kids within an inch of their lives because there was absolute peace for most of the day. I don't know how Adam held it together, haha! But, I so appreciated it because it allowed me to feel the Spirit. And what I realized is that we have not really had the Holy Ghost in our home in months. MONTHS!!! No wonder everyone has been so miserable! There has been so much contention going on, and so many negative thoughts and fear and worry, it is no wonder. It was like a refreshing drink of restorative water to sit and listen to the inspired words of our leaders, and I soaked it all up like a sponge. I found that the despair that I often feel was replaced with hope and a calming peace that I have missed so badly! Plus so many of the talks were pretty much just for me. When Elder Holland spoke about the father of the sick boy who went to the Savior and begged for healing for his son...when he quoted that father saying, "Lord, I believe; help me my unbelief." I was so touched because that is me. All of it. And that wasn't the only talk that resonated with me. It was a wonderful day, and I look forward to the peace and Spirit that will come as I reread those talks.
So, my goals have been changed a little bit. Instead of trying so hard to control my kids' behavior with reward and punishment only, I will try super hard to have the Holy Ghost in our home first.
And that starts with me.
As I listened to conference yesterday, of course, as always happens, things were brought to my mind that I need to improve. I was made aware that I need to work on praying on my knees, and for the right things. I need to read my scriptures more meaningfully and often. I need to react with patience and love. And I need to have more faith. To trust that the Atonement applies to my fears and worries, and so much of what I have been despairing about can be turned over to the Savior. He loves us and understands what our family is going through - it is a refining fire but the most important thing is that we are not in this alone. Big happy sigh. This is such a wonderful realization!
We need to make sure we are having FHE more regularly, and try to control our tempers when the kids get distracted (usually with the dogs) and just take a deep breath. We need to strive to have better scripture study with our kids at night. We have been very regular in this, but often we end up praying with a tinge of anger because of that frustration when somebody bugs somebody else (wedgies). No Spirit there, in spite of our efforts! We need to go to the temple more often, and fulfill our callings faithfully and without complaint.
And I need to do a better job cooking healthy dinners and serving them on time. I think that one will be the hardest change!
When I have done all I can do, I will to let go and let God.
So, my goals have been changed a little bit. Instead of trying so hard to control my kids' behavior with reward and punishment only, I will try super hard to have the Holy Ghost in our home first.
And that starts with me.
As I listened to conference yesterday, of course, as always happens, things were brought to my mind that I need to improve. I was made aware that I need to work on praying on my knees, and for the right things. I need to read my scriptures more meaningfully and often. I need to react with patience and love. And I need to have more faith. To trust that the Atonement applies to my fears and worries, and so much of what I have been despairing about can be turned over to the Savior. He loves us and understands what our family is going through - it is a refining fire but the most important thing is that we are not in this alone. Big happy sigh. This is such a wonderful realization!
We need to make sure we are having FHE more regularly, and try to control our tempers when the kids get distracted (usually with the dogs) and just take a deep breath. We need to strive to have better scripture study with our kids at night. We have been very regular in this, but often we end up praying with a tinge of anger because of that frustration when somebody bugs somebody else (wedgies). No Spirit there, in spite of our efforts! We need to go to the temple more often, and fulfill our callings faithfully and without complaint.
And I need to do a better job cooking healthy dinners and serving them on time. I think that one will be the hardest change!
When I have done all I can do, I will to let go and let God.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Depression
I got a new phone, because my old one was misbehaving, and as I was cleaning out my photo collection (over 500!) I came across some vids that I had taken about 1 1/2 years ago. As I watched them, I felt so sad. Adam was so different then. He wanted to do what is right! He listened to me! He was happy! He annoyed his siblings, but he wasn't malicious. I MISS THAT BOY SO BADLY!
I don't know the Adam we live with now. And I don't know how, or if it is even possible to get him back. I don't know if I am in denial or if there is hope. All I know is that the son I knew and loved so well is gone. And in his place is this negative jerk, who can't be nice to anyone. Me, least of all. He breaks my heart every single day. I can't bear it.
And then I think of my other kids. Meg, who is my bestie. Who went through the temple with us last weekend in preparation for her mission. Who is solid and dependable and beautiful.
Sam, who has a tender heart and so much love. He tries to comfort me by making good decisions and being very responsible.
Sophie, who is full of vibrancy and energy. Who is solid in her testimony and very very stubborn about it. She'll whack me for saying crap.
I'm their mom too.
I don't know the Adam we live with now. And I don't know how, or if it is even possible to get him back. I don't know if I am in denial or if there is hope. All I know is that the son I knew and loved so well is gone. And in his place is this negative jerk, who can't be nice to anyone. Me, least of all. He breaks my heart every single day. I can't bear it.
And then I think of my other kids. Meg, who is my bestie. Who went through the temple with us last weekend in preparation for her mission. Who is solid and dependable and beautiful.
Sam, who has a tender heart and so much love. He tries to comfort me by making good decisions and being very responsible.
Sophie, who is full of vibrancy and energy. Who is solid in her testimony and very very stubborn about it. She'll whack me for saying crap.
I'm their mom too.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Two things I am working on that are taking up my entire life:
First, I have been feeling like a terrible mom. While working so hard to get Adam stabilized, I have let everything else go. Sam and Sophie (when not doing schoolwork or P.E.) are on the computer and TV and not being productive. Chores have not been done for months (and I am doing the work instead). I feel like no one is listening to me and my house is generally out of control. I am yelling a lot and parenting with emotion and not using logic.
So, Chad and I had a long discussion about it all and we came up with some ideas. Reward for good behavior, removing the reward when there is bad behavior. Extra reward if the original reward is earned and good behavior maintained all day. For example: We have 8 rules. One of them is to listen and obey the first time. The reward for keeping all the rules all day is "fun time"(video game, TV, and computer time), and if they earn all their "fun time" for the week then they get some $$$ (most kids get allowance anyway, mine don't). We also came up with tons of money-earning chores. With this money, they pay tithing, put half in savings, and get to spend the rest on whatever they want, including candy and junk food (I'm not buying anymore of it, I shouldn't be eating it anyway).
I hope it works. And I hope I can remember it all because I am notoriously bad at parenting logically. I usually work off emotion and it really doesn't work. And I just find myself crying and complaining. This will be a new experience for us all. I fully expect Adam to have a huge hissy fit and push against every rule he can. It will be miserable and I am not looking forward to it. Groan. But, here we go.
Second, I put on a lot of weight while struggling with Adam's stability. I was stressed and emotional and in survival mode. And really, I just barely got out of that mode about a week ago! But, we have family pictures coming up and they will likely be the last ones for years because Meg is going on her mission, and then (hopefully) Adam will be going. I do not want to be this fat for these pictures. They will be hanging on our wall for years to come. I have 8 weeks, and I want to lose as much as I can in those 8 weeks. I also want to be able to run again. I have had second and third opinions and also visited a good sports chiropractor, and the theory is that if I really work on strengthening my core (even when I was thin, I never worked on my core), then it will be able to prop up my back better and keep the nerve from being pinched. So I hired a trainer and told her that I need to work on core strength, and I need her to check in with me every day to make sure I am getting some cardio in, and counting my calories properly. She isn't overly enthusiastic (not a good cheerleader), so I don't think I will stay with her when my contract runs out. But hopefully by then we will have made some serious progress and I will be able to continue what she has taught me. I won't run until I have lost at least 25 lbs. I don't want to injure the back again. That will take up all of those 8 weeks and probably more. Maybe by summer, I will be able to run a little bit. But a little bit is better than none. I loved running. I miss it so bad, mentally and physically! I really hope this plan works! I've been doing it for a week, and I lost 6 lbs (!!!) last week. Giddy up, Laura, here we go!
Now, if only Adam would get completely stable and be able to function normally. Our biggest problem with him right now is his jerk-ness. And how to tell if it is the bipolar or just a teenager with a very bad attitude. Very difficult.
Wish me luck!
So, Chad and I had a long discussion about it all and we came up with some ideas. Reward for good behavior, removing the reward when there is bad behavior. Extra reward if the original reward is earned and good behavior maintained all day. For example: We have 8 rules. One of them is to listen and obey the first time. The reward for keeping all the rules all day is "fun time"(video game, TV, and computer time), and if they earn all their "fun time" for the week then they get some $$$ (most kids get allowance anyway, mine don't). We also came up with tons of money-earning chores. With this money, they pay tithing, put half in savings, and get to spend the rest on whatever they want, including candy and junk food (I'm not buying anymore of it, I shouldn't be eating it anyway).
I hope it works. And I hope I can remember it all because I am notoriously bad at parenting logically. I usually work off emotion and it really doesn't work. And I just find myself crying and complaining. This will be a new experience for us all. I fully expect Adam to have a huge hissy fit and push against every rule he can. It will be miserable and I am not looking forward to it. Groan. But, here we go.
Second, I put on a lot of weight while struggling with Adam's stability. I was stressed and emotional and in survival mode. And really, I just barely got out of that mode about a week ago! But, we have family pictures coming up and they will likely be the last ones for years because Meg is going on her mission, and then (hopefully) Adam will be going. I do not want to be this fat for these pictures. They will be hanging on our wall for years to come. I have 8 weeks, and I want to lose as much as I can in those 8 weeks. I also want to be able to run again. I have had second and third opinions and also visited a good sports chiropractor, and the theory is that if I really work on strengthening my core (even when I was thin, I never worked on my core), then it will be able to prop up my back better and keep the nerve from being pinched. So I hired a trainer and told her that I need to work on core strength, and I need her to check in with me every day to make sure I am getting some cardio in, and counting my calories properly. She isn't overly enthusiastic (not a good cheerleader), so I don't think I will stay with her when my contract runs out. But hopefully by then we will have made some serious progress and I will be able to continue what she has taught me. I won't run until I have lost at least 25 lbs. I don't want to injure the back again. That will take up all of those 8 weeks and probably more. Maybe by summer, I will be able to run a little bit. But a little bit is better than none. I loved running. I miss it so bad, mentally and physically! I really hope this plan works! I've been doing it for a week, and I lost 6 lbs (!!!) last week. Giddy up, Laura, here we go!
Now, if only Adam would get completely stable and be able to function normally. Our biggest problem with him right now is his jerk-ness. And how to tell if it is the bipolar or just a teenager with a very bad attitude. Very difficult.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
What a difference a week makes!
At the risk of this turning into an Adam-only blog, I am posting another one about him. But I promise that I will at least mention my three other wonderful beloved children!
Let me just tell you about this week so far. Adam went back to school yesterday (Monday). When I picked him up, he was HAPPY!!! I asked him how his day was, and he said, "fine". (!!!!!) When he got home, he went for a bike ride (!!!), then got out his Eagle paperwork (he only has to finish up the paperwork and schedule his Board of Review before he can get the dang thing, and I told him he better hurry up and get the Eagle before BSA starts accepting gay scout leaders in May because if they do, I quit BSA. I hate the whole stupid bureaucratic system anyway.) and started looking at what he needed to get done!!!!! Then he looked all over the house until he found his scout book and the binder with all his blue cards. Then he was nice to Sam!!! And this morning, he got up for seminary!!! I am so crossing my fingers that this lasts because he is happy, and so are we!
BTW, I didn't mention that Meg got her mission call to Fiji, one of the main reasons that she is going (she says) is so that our family (Adam) will be blessed. She is such an angel and I am convinced that when I volunteered to mother Adam, the Lord said, "Ok, you can have Megan then. You're going to need her." And Meg and I were excited because we were best friends in the pre-existence. It resonates with me so let it be.
I am homeschooling Sam and Sophie. It has been great with Sam, but Sophie is going back to public school next semester. I get the theory behind homeschooling, but I have been so overwhelmed with my life lately that I have not been able to give her the attention she needs. I feel like I am failing her. The reason why Sam has been good is that he is doing it all online. When he needs help, he calls a teacher on the phone. It is great, he loves it, and he is getting GREAT grades. He is a self-starter and that makes it all so much easier. I want to give each of my kids everything that they need to succeed in life, and recognizing that they each have different needs, I am hopping all the time. If I just didn't love them all so darn much! Haha.
Well, back to work!
Let me just tell you about this week so far. Adam went back to school yesterday (Monday). When I picked him up, he was HAPPY!!! I asked him how his day was, and he said, "fine". (!!!!!) When he got home, he went for a bike ride (!!!), then got out his Eagle paperwork (he only has to finish up the paperwork and schedule his Board of Review before he can get the dang thing, and I told him he better hurry up and get the Eagle before BSA starts accepting gay scout leaders in May because if they do, I quit BSA. I hate the whole stupid bureaucratic system anyway.) and started looking at what he needed to get done!!!!! Then he looked all over the house until he found his scout book and the binder with all his blue cards. Then he was nice to Sam!!! And this morning, he got up for seminary!!! I am so crossing my fingers that this lasts because he is happy, and so are we!
BTW, I didn't mention that Meg got her mission call to Fiji, one of the main reasons that she is going (she says) is so that our family (Adam) will be blessed. She is such an angel and I am convinced that when I volunteered to mother Adam, the Lord said, "Ok, you can have Megan then. You're going to need her." And Meg and I were excited because we were best friends in the pre-existence. It resonates with me so let it be.
I am homeschooling Sam and Sophie. It has been great with Sam, but Sophie is going back to public school next semester. I get the theory behind homeschooling, but I have been so overwhelmed with my life lately that I have not been able to give her the attention she needs. I feel like I am failing her. The reason why Sam has been good is that he is doing it all online. When he needs help, he calls a teacher on the phone. It is great, he loves it, and he is getting GREAT grades. He is a self-starter and that makes it all so much easier. I want to give each of my kids everything that they need to succeed in life, and recognizing that they each have different needs, I am hopping all the time. If I just didn't love them all so darn much! Haha.
Well, back to work!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Hell
4 months ago, Adam was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Of course, with an early diagnosis of Aspergers, we saw a lot of weird behaviors from Adam ever since he was little, but never anything like his behavior the beginning of November. He became increasingly talkative, to the point that he wouldn't let anyone else say a word, and then after some particularly stressful situations, he stopped making sense, and started claiming that he was super efficient and could think two thoughts at the same time, among other things. His facial expressions were different. I felt like I didn't even know my own kid. It scared the pants off of us, and I immediately called the psychiatrist that Adam had been seeing for depression and anxiety. Miraculously, I was able to get him in the very next day, while he was still manic, and the diagnosis was easy. Furthermore, the doctor told me that Adam had been misdiagnosed with Aspergers. He said that the whole time Adam had been seeing him, that he doubted that diagnosis. As I look back, I can see the bipolar symptoms popping up all of Adam's life. Most of them had to do with social situations, which was the main reason the doctors thought it was Aspergers. Anxiety triggers the manic/depressive episodes, and Adam's worst anxiety is in social situations. Compounded by years of physical and emotional bullying, in places and situations where he was supposed to feel safe. Adam has grown up feeling like he can't do anything right, and no matter how hard he tried to fit in, he still couldn't control that anxiety, which made him act weird, which made the other kids uncomfortable, which led to bullying. A relentless, destructive cycle. And my heart aches when I think about what all of that did to my mentally and emotionally fragile son. Of course, at the time, nobody knew just how mentally fragile he was. We could only base it on his behavior, and that behavior wasn't always so great, and sometimes felt downright manipulative. I'm so glad I home schooled him through middle school. He at least got a small reprieve during the week then, although Sundays and Scout activities were still torture. Even so, there is a huge part of me that feels to blame for everything that happened to Adam. Why didn't we move sooner? We were so afraid of making things worse with other people, with making a scene, that we made them worse for our son. Yes, there are good things that we learned and gained through experiencing those years, but were they worth it? I don't know. I will second-guess our decisions forever.
But at least Adam was diagnosed before he could make a complete ruin of his life. Most bipolar people go through 10-15 years from first bipolar episode until diagnosis is made. They see an average of 4 different psychiatrists before a diagnosis is finally made. Bipolar can look like a lot of different things, and it is often misdiagnosed. So we are blessed, in a twisted way. Most bipolar people get into substance abuse, unsafe sexual experiences, and reckless behavior in general. Adam hasn't done that. Well, his driving is a bit reckless, but otherwise, he's ok. And his grades are still good. So maybe he has screwed up his friendships, but that's about it, and that can be worked on. Thankfully, we live in a good ward, with a great bishop, and a big Priest quorum. In that quorum, there is an openly gay kid and some kids with learning disabilities. If he plays this right, Adam will be ok on that front.
The trick is playing it right.
The biggest problem with bipolar disorder is getting the meds right. It takes FOREVER to get the meds right. Some people go years having to change meds around until they find the right cocktail that works for them. And no two bipolar people are the same, so it is just hit and miss until it works. My prayers are always that we will find the meds that work sooner rather than later. Until then, Adam experiences such severe mood swings that he has either seriously considered the possibility of running for US president, or seriously contemplated suicide. He spent last weekend in a mental health facility on suicide watch. What?! But they changed his meds, and now, just one week later, he is bopping around, playing Halo with friends, and trying to talk me into letting him get a job so he can buy a Mini. (that's not manic. that's teenager. I'm happy.)
So, yes, bipolar is hell. And once you get in a good place with the bipolar, then there is all the social stuff that we have to deal with...people are really scared of mental health issues. Especially with all the shootings and horrible things that have happened at the hands of mentally ill people. There is such a stigma...understandably. But the truth is, if mentally ill people got the help they needed, there wouldn't be violence like that. With the right meds, mentally ill people recover all the time. In fact, there are more people around you who have mental illness than you would ever believe. If you took the manic out of bipolar, then you would have depression and anxiety. And how many people do you know who are on Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc. for depression and anxiety?! I rest my case.
I pray every day that Adam can recover from this. That he will get on the right meds, and keep taking his meds, even when he feels better, and that all the therapy will help him get past all his damaged past. I love that boy so much. I just want him to be happy, and live as normal of a life as possible. I will do everything it takes to make that happen. Everything. Including living through hell.
But at least Adam was diagnosed before he could make a complete ruin of his life. Most bipolar people go through 10-15 years from first bipolar episode until diagnosis is made. They see an average of 4 different psychiatrists before a diagnosis is finally made. Bipolar can look like a lot of different things, and it is often misdiagnosed. So we are blessed, in a twisted way. Most bipolar people get into substance abuse, unsafe sexual experiences, and reckless behavior in general. Adam hasn't done that. Well, his driving is a bit reckless, but otherwise, he's ok. And his grades are still good. So maybe he has screwed up his friendships, but that's about it, and that can be worked on. Thankfully, we live in a good ward, with a great bishop, and a big Priest quorum. In that quorum, there is an openly gay kid and some kids with learning disabilities. If he plays this right, Adam will be ok on that front.
The trick is playing it right.
The biggest problem with bipolar disorder is getting the meds right. It takes FOREVER to get the meds right. Some people go years having to change meds around until they find the right cocktail that works for them. And no two bipolar people are the same, so it is just hit and miss until it works. My prayers are always that we will find the meds that work sooner rather than later. Until then, Adam experiences such severe mood swings that he has either seriously considered the possibility of running for US president, or seriously contemplated suicide. He spent last weekend in a mental health facility on suicide watch. What?! But they changed his meds, and now, just one week later, he is bopping around, playing Halo with friends, and trying to talk me into letting him get a job so he can buy a Mini. (that's not manic. that's teenager. I'm happy.)
So, yes, bipolar is hell. And once you get in a good place with the bipolar, then there is all the social stuff that we have to deal with...people are really scared of mental health issues. Especially with all the shootings and horrible things that have happened at the hands of mentally ill people. There is such a stigma...understandably. But the truth is, if mentally ill people got the help they needed, there wouldn't be violence like that. With the right meds, mentally ill people recover all the time. In fact, there are more people around you who have mental illness than you would ever believe. If you took the manic out of bipolar, then you would have depression and anxiety. And how many people do you know who are on Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc. for depression and anxiety?! I rest my case.
I pray every day that Adam can recover from this. That he will get on the right meds, and keep taking his meds, even when he feels better, and that all the therapy will help him get past all his damaged past. I love that boy so much. I just want him to be happy, and live as normal of a life as possible. I will do everything it takes to make that happen. Everything. Including living through hell.
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