Hell

4 months ago, Adam was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.  Of course, with an early diagnosis of Aspergers, we saw a lot of weird behaviors from Adam ever since he was little, but never anything like his behavior the beginning of November.  He became increasingly talkative, to the point that he wouldn't let anyone else say a word, and then after some particularly stressful situations, he stopped making sense, and started claiming that he was super efficient and could think two thoughts at the same time, among other things.  His facial expressions were different.  I felt like I didn't even know my own kid.  It scared the pants off of us, and I immediately called the psychiatrist that Adam had been seeing for depression and anxiety.  Miraculously, I was able to get him in the very next day, while he was still manic, and the diagnosis was easy.  Furthermore, the doctor told me that Adam had been misdiagnosed with Aspergers.  He said that the whole time Adam had been seeing him, that he doubted that diagnosis.  As I look back, I can see the bipolar symptoms popping up all of Adam's life.  Most of them had to do with social situations, which was the main reason the doctors thought it was Aspergers.  Anxiety triggers the manic/depressive episodes, and Adam's worst anxiety is in social situations.  Compounded by years of physical and emotional bullying, in places and situations where he was supposed to feel safe.  Adam has grown up feeling like he can't do anything right, and no matter how hard he tried to fit in, he still couldn't control that anxiety, which made him act weird, which made the other kids uncomfortable, which led to bullying.  A relentless, destructive cycle.  And my heart aches when I think about what all of that did to my mentally and emotionally fragile son.  Of course, at the time, nobody knew just how mentally fragile he was.  We could only base it on his behavior, and that behavior wasn't always so great, and sometimes felt downright manipulative.  I'm so glad I home schooled him through middle school.  He at least got a small reprieve during the week then, although Sundays and Scout activities were still torture. Even so, there is a huge part of me that feels to blame for everything that happened to Adam.  Why didn't we move sooner?  We were so afraid of making things worse with other people, with making a scene, that we made them worse for our son.  Yes, there are good things that we learned and gained through experiencing those years, but were they worth it?  I don't know.  I will second-guess our decisions forever.
But at least Adam was diagnosed before he could make a complete ruin of his life.  Most bipolar people go through 10-15 years from first bipolar episode until diagnosis is made.  They see an average of 4 different psychiatrists before a diagnosis is finally made.  Bipolar can look like a lot of different things, and it is often misdiagnosed.  So we are blessed, in a twisted way.  Most bipolar people get into substance abuse, unsafe sexual experiences, and reckless behavior in general.  Adam hasn't done that.  Well, his driving is a bit reckless, but otherwise, he's ok.  And his grades are still good.  So maybe he has screwed up his friendships, but that's about it, and that can be worked on.  Thankfully, we live in a good ward, with a great bishop, and a big Priest quorum.  In that quorum, there is an openly gay kid and some kids with learning disabilities. If he plays this right, Adam will be ok on that front.
The trick is playing it right.
The biggest problem with bipolar disorder is getting the meds right.  It takes FOREVER to get the meds right.  Some people go years having to change meds around until they find the right cocktail that works for them.  And no two bipolar people are the same, so it is just hit and miss until it works.  My prayers are always that we will find the meds that work sooner rather than later.  Until then, Adam experiences such severe mood swings that he has either seriously considered the possibility of running for US president, or seriously contemplated suicide.  He spent last weekend in a mental health facility on suicide watch.  What?!  But they changed his meds, and now, just one week later, he is bopping around, playing Halo with friends, and trying to talk me into letting him get a job so he can buy a Mini.  (that's not manic.  that's teenager.  I'm happy.)
So, yes, bipolar is hell.  And once you get in a good place with the bipolar, then there is all the social stuff that we have to deal with...people are really scared of mental health issues.  Especially with all the shootings and horrible things that have happened at the hands of mentally ill people.  There is such a stigma...understandably.  But the truth is, if mentally ill people got the help they needed, there wouldn't be violence like that.  With the right meds, mentally ill people recover all the time.  In fact, there are more people around you who have mental illness than you would ever believe.  If you took the manic out of bipolar, then you would have depression and anxiety.  And how many people do you know who are on Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc. for depression and anxiety?!  I rest my case.
I pray every day that Adam can recover from this.  That he will get on the right meds, and keep taking his meds, even when he feels better, and that all the therapy will help him get past all his damaged past.  I love that boy so much.  I just want him to be happy, and live as normal of a life as possible.  I will do everything it takes to make that happen.  Everything.  Including living through hell.