Last night my orthodontist hubby was recognized by a school PTA for donating $5000 worth of braces per year, to the school auction for the past 5 years. They said that he single-handedly created 2 smart classrooms. Which I assume is pretty expensive...and the funny thing is, after the dinner and awards ceremony, he was swamped by PTA people from multiple other schools who had also benefitted from the same types of donations but just hadn't formally recognized him. And Chad was just embarrassed. He never expected or wanted recognition. This experience made me start to reflect on blessings in this life. Our attitude toward donations has always been this: the Lord has seen fit to bless us, so how could we be selfish with it? And its true. Although we have had challenges, and I have complained about them here and elsewhere, overall, we have been greatly greatly blessed.
I believe that all people are "blessed" with challenges in this life so that we can be humbled, and so that we can gain strength and stamina to endure to the end. Each of us are given the challenges that are uniquely matched to our weaknesses. I have a lot of weaknesses. Self-pity, discouragement, and huge insecurities about how to be a good mom being some of them. But I find strength and encouragement in scripture study, prayer, and the love and support of wonderful people. So even in the midst of uncertainty, fear, and worry, I am overwhelmingly blessed.
Since Adam's diagnosis, I have noticed that the Lord has placed in my life one person after another who have experience with bipolar. You wouldn't believe how many people that I know who have someone in their family that is bipolar. I have been pretty shocked. He has led me to articles, support groups, even U-tube videos, that inspire me to be more active in the bipolar community. And most of all, He has given me 3 other wonderful children who, although being knuckleheads in many ways, are just joys in my life. Adam is a joy too, in a different way. When he is having a good day, and those rare moments of kindness show, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him. Which might seem kind of weird after the incredible frustration the day before of him annoying the heck out of all of us! That is patience. It is also a blessing from the Lord. Because I am not naturally a very patient person. So I am learning.
I can see that a big thing that I need to work on is counting all my blessings. Those tender mercies. I'm on board!
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Maybe our family is just socially awkward, we should embrace it.
Have you ever noticed that your kids behave differently at home with the family, than they do out in the big bad world? My kids have been struggling with this phenomenon pretty much ever since preschool. And I just never got it! Are we cursed?
I grew up in a big family, the youngest of 6 kids. My older siblings smoothed the way for me, looked out for me, and taught me by example, both good and bad. I didn't have social problems beyond the usual ones. And once I hit high school, I really blossomed. I was a cheerleader (that was cool in those days), a gymnast, and homecoming princess my sophomore year. I dated cute football players and smart intellectuals (who were also cute). I felt well-adjusted and even...dare I say...popular. I figured that pattern would be repeated in my future family. But I saw a lot of stuff that the popular kids did to stay that way and I decided that popular wasn't that great. Plus, I didn't like to play those games. My senior year of high school was when I stopped really caring where I fit in with the crowd and did things my own way. It was incredibly freeing.
A few years later, I married a man who had been a bit socially awkward and only had a few good friends (although you would never know that now!). But he was happy and has no regrets. He stopped socially caring very early on and embraced his smarts (that really attracted me!). He has since chosen a career that requires A LOT of shmoozing and social skills. So he really knows what he is doing...but he is confident and secure regardless.
And we had 4 kids. Who, like other kids, cared very much. But they were awkward. Especially Adam, who was struggling with severe social anxiety and his bipolar disorder (although we didn't know it at the time). I remember one time, watching him get out of the car for a Cub Scout pack meeting, and he literally changed his stance, the look on his face, and the way he walked. He looked like a different kid. And every time he came home, he was complaining about the other boys giving him grief. Of course I talked to Scoutmasters, Primary teachers, teachers at school, and the parents of the other boys. But it didn't ever stop. We put the kid in 3 different elementary schools, and then home schooled him for three years. The bullying became physical - he has had two concussions, and a broken finger from other boys pushing him down. He was in therapy for two years and on meds for one before we got the diagnosis of Aspergers. Which explained some of the social problems, but didn't stop the bullying. All throughout this time, Adam would have major meltdowns at home (uncontrollable crying, curling up in a ball and rocking himself, running away - he still does all of that sometimes), which scared us but we thought it was part of the Aspergers. Back to therapy and meds. Not Aspergers. The amount of money spent on therapy is mind boggling. But at least we can afford it. We feel so blessed for that!
Knowing what went on behind our closed doors, Meg was super protective of him to the point that she would tell off the other kids on a daily basis. It totally ruined her social life. But she was a little backwards too, in need of friends who would understand this drama and be supportive to her...it didn't happen. She and Adam became best friends, depending on each other for that support.
Then Sam. Sam is still young enough that we don't know exactly how he will turn out. But most of his life, he has been understood better by adults than by his peer group. He makes the kind of jokes and quotes movies, TV shows, and games, that nobody else gets. The other kids roll their eyes at him. He is also being home schooled and LOVES it. When I mentioned him going back to school next year, he just froze. I have watched him change into another kid when getting out of the car for Scouts. And right after this move, he came home from his first Scout activity and said, "I'm just the nerd here again." I told him to embrace it.
Sophie is totally hyper when she leaves home. She runs around and hugs everyone else and talks constantly. She does have friends but is the loudest of all of them. I didn't notice that until I started running Activity Days. She is the worst one of all of them...and I have 19 girls! She is being home schooled too.
Here's the funny thing. At home, when Adam is leveled out (not depressed or manic which is barely happening but I am so glad), things are relatively calm. The kids are fine. We get along. We spend time together and support each other and have fun together. We are a team. No matter how bad Adam gets, he has us. And no matter how bad Sam, Sophie, and Meg feel, they have each other and us. People see Meg's incredibly loving posts on facebook and ask us what our secret is. And here it is: All those years of social awkwardness brought us together like nothing else could...it was us against the world.
Our family is socially awkward, and we embrace it. We are a team.
I grew up in a big family, the youngest of 6 kids. My older siblings smoothed the way for me, looked out for me, and taught me by example, both good and bad. I didn't have social problems beyond the usual ones. And once I hit high school, I really blossomed. I was a cheerleader (that was cool in those days), a gymnast, and homecoming princess my sophomore year. I dated cute football players and smart intellectuals (who were also cute). I felt well-adjusted and even...dare I say...popular. I figured that pattern would be repeated in my future family. But I saw a lot of stuff that the popular kids did to stay that way and I decided that popular wasn't that great. Plus, I didn't like to play those games. My senior year of high school was when I stopped really caring where I fit in with the crowd and did things my own way. It was incredibly freeing.
A few years later, I married a man who had been a bit socially awkward and only had a few good friends (although you would never know that now!). But he was happy and has no regrets. He stopped socially caring very early on and embraced his smarts (that really attracted me!). He has since chosen a career that requires A LOT of shmoozing and social skills. So he really knows what he is doing...but he is confident and secure regardless.
And we had 4 kids. Who, like other kids, cared very much. But they were awkward. Especially Adam, who was struggling with severe social anxiety and his bipolar disorder (although we didn't know it at the time). I remember one time, watching him get out of the car for a Cub Scout pack meeting, and he literally changed his stance, the look on his face, and the way he walked. He looked like a different kid. And every time he came home, he was complaining about the other boys giving him grief. Of course I talked to Scoutmasters, Primary teachers, teachers at school, and the parents of the other boys. But it didn't ever stop. We put the kid in 3 different elementary schools, and then home schooled him for three years. The bullying became physical - he has had two concussions, and a broken finger from other boys pushing him down. He was in therapy for two years and on meds for one before we got the diagnosis of Aspergers. Which explained some of the social problems, but didn't stop the bullying. All throughout this time, Adam would have major meltdowns at home (uncontrollable crying, curling up in a ball and rocking himself, running away - he still does all of that sometimes), which scared us but we thought it was part of the Aspergers. Back to therapy and meds. Not Aspergers. The amount of money spent on therapy is mind boggling. But at least we can afford it. We feel so blessed for that!
Knowing what went on behind our closed doors, Meg was super protective of him to the point that she would tell off the other kids on a daily basis. It totally ruined her social life. But she was a little backwards too, in need of friends who would understand this drama and be supportive to her...it didn't happen. She and Adam became best friends, depending on each other for that support.
Then Sam. Sam is still young enough that we don't know exactly how he will turn out. But most of his life, he has been understood better by adults than by his peer group. He makes the kind of jokes and quotes movies, TV shows, and games, that nobody else gets. The other kids roll their eyes at him. He is also being home schooled and LOVES it. When I mentioned him going back to school next year, he just froze. I have watched him change into another kid when getting out of the car for Scouts. And right after this move, he came home from his first Scout activity and said, "I'm just the nerd here again." I told him to embrace it.
Sophie is totally hyper when she leaves home. She runs around and hugs everyone else and talks constantly. She does have friends but is the loudest of all of them. I didn't notice that until I started running Activity Days. She is the worst one of all of them...and I have 19 girls! She is being home schooled too.
Here's the funny thing. At home, when Adam is leveled out (not depressed or manic which is barely happening but I am so glad), things are relatively calm. The kids are fine. We get along. We spend time together and support each other and have fun together. We are a team. No matter how bad Adam gets, he has us. And no matter how bad Sam, Sophie, and Meg feel, they have each other and us. People see Meg's incredibly loving posts on facebook and ask us what our secret is. And here it is: All those years of social awkwardness brought us together like nothing else could...it was us against the world.
Our family is socially awkward, and we embrace it. We are a team.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Hell
4 months ago, Adam was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Of course, with an early diagnosis of Aspergers, we saw a lot of weird behaviors from Adam ever since he was little, but never anything like his behavior the beginning of November. He became increasingly talkative, to the point that he wouldn't let anyone else say a word, and then after some particularly stressful situations, he stopped making sense, and started claiming that he was super efficient and could think two thoughts at the same time, among other things. His facial expressions were different. I felt like I didn't even know my own kid. It scared the pants off of us, and I immediately called the psychiatrist that Adam had been seeing for depression and anxiety. Miraculously, I was able to get him in the very next day, while he was still manic, and the diagnosis was easy. Furthermore, the doctor told me that Adam had been misdiagnosed with Aspergers. He said that the whole time Adam had been seeing him, that he doubted that diagnosis. As I look back, I can see the bipolar symptoms popping up all of Adam's life. Most of them had to do with social situations, which was the main reason the doctors thought it was Aspergers. Anxiety triggers the manic/depressive episodes, and Adam's worst anxiety is in social situations. Compounded by years of physical and emotional bullying, in places and situations where he was supposed to feel safe. Adam has grown up feeling like he can't do anything right, and no matter how hard he tried to fit in, he still couldn't control that anxiety, which made him act weird, which made the other kids uncomfortable, which led to bullying. A relentless, destructive cycle. And my heart aches when I think about what all of that did to my mentally and emotionally fragile son. Of course, at the time, nobody knew just how mentally fragile he was. We could only base it on his behavior, and that behavior wasn't always so great, and sometimes felt downright manipulative. I'm so glad I home schooled him through middle school. He at least got a small reprieve during the week then, although Sundays and Scout activities were still torture. Even so, there is a huge part of me that feels to blame for everything that happened to Adam. Why didn't we move sooner? We were so afraid of making things worse with other people, with making a scene, that we made them worse for our son. Yes, there are good things that we learned and gained through experiencing those years, but were they worth it? I don't know. I will second-guess our decisions forever.
But at least Adam was diagnosed before he could make a complete ruin of his life. Most bipolar people go through 10-15 years from first bipolar episode until diagnosis is made. They see an average of 4 different psychiatrists before a diagnosis is finally made. Bipolar can look like a lot of different things, and it is often misdiagnosed. So we are blessed, in a twisted way. Most bipolar people get into substance abuse, unsafe sexual experiences, and reckless behavior in general. Adam hasn't done that. Well, his driving is a bit reckless, but otherwise, he's ok. And his grades are still good. So maybe he has screwed up his friendships, but that's about it, and that can be worked on. Thankfully, we live in a good ward, with a great bishop, and a big Priest quorum. In that quorum, there is an openly gay kid and some kids with learning disabilities. If he plays this right, Adam will be ok on that front.
The trick is playing it right.
The biggest problem with bipolar disorder is getting the meds right. It takes FOREVER to get the meds right. Some people go years having to change meds around until they find the right cocktail that works for them. And no two bipolar people are the same, so it is just hit and miss until it works. My prayers are always that we will find the meds that work sooner rather than later. Until then, Adam experiences such severe mood swings that he has either seriously considered the possibility of running for US president, or seriously contemplated suicide. He spent last weekend in a mental health facility on suicide watch. What?! But they changed his meds, and now, just one week later, he is bopping around, playing Halo with friends, and trying to talk me into letting him get a job so he can buy a Mini. (that's not manic. that's teenager. I'm happy.)
So, yes, bipolar is hell. And once you get in a good place with the bipolar, then there is all the social stuff that we have to deal with...people are really scared of mental health issues. Especially with all the shootings and horrible things that have happened at the hands of mentally ill people. There is such a stigma...understandably. But the truth is, if mentally ill people got the help they needed, there wouldn't be violence like that. With the right meds, mentally ill people recover all the time. In fact, there are more people around you who have mental illness than you would ever believe. If you took the manic out of bipolar, then you would have depression and anxiety. And how many people do you know who are on Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc. for depression and anxiety?! I rest my case.
I pray every day that Adam can recover from this. That he will get on the right meds, and keep taking his meds, even when he feels better, and that all the therapy will help him get past all his damaged past. I love that boy so much. I just want him to be happy, and live as normal of a life as possible. I will do everything it takes to make that happen. Everything. Including living through hell.
But at least Adam was diagnosed before he could make a complete ruin of his life. Most bipolar people go through 10-15 years from first bipolar episode until diagnosis is made. They see an average of 4 different psychiatrists before a diagnosis is finally made. Bipolar can look like a lot of different things, and it is often misdiagnosed. So we are blessed, in a twisted way. Most bipolar people get into substance abuse, unsafe sexual experiences, and reckless behavior in general. Adam hasn't done that. Well, his driving is a bit reckless, but otherwise, he's ok. And his grades are still good. So maybe he has screwed up his friendships, but that's about it, and that can be worked on. Thankfully, we live in a good ward, with a great bishop, and a big Priest quorum. In that quorum, there is an openly gay kid and some kids with learning disabilities. If he plays this right, Adam will be ok on that front.
The trick is playing it right.
The biggest problem with bipolar disorder is getting the meds right. It takes FOREVER to get the meds right. Some people go years having to change meds around until they find the right cocktail that works for them. And no two bipolar people are the same, so it is just hit and miss until it works. My prayers are always that we will find the meds that work sooner rather than later. Until then, Adam experiences such severe mood swings that he has either seriously considered the possibility of running for US president, or seriously contemplated suicide. He spent last weekend in a mental health facility on suicide watch. What?! But they changed his meds, and now, just one week later, he is bopping around, playing Halo with friends, and trying to talk me into letting him get a job so he can buy a Mini. (that's not manic. that's teenager. I'm happy.)
So, yes, bipolar is hell. And once you get in a good place with the bipolar, then there is all the social stuff that we have to deal with...people are really scared of mental health issues. Especially with all the shootings and horrible things that have happened at the hands of mentally ill people. There is such a stigma...understandably. But the truth is, if mentally ill people got the help they needed, there wouldn't be violence like that. With the right meds, mentally ill people recover all the time. In fact, there are more people around you who have mental illness than you would ever believe. If you took the manic out of bipolar, then you would have depression and anxiety. And how many people do you know who are on Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc. for depression and anxiety?! I rest my case.
I pray every day that Adam can recover from this. That he will get on the right meds, and keep taking his meds, even when he feels better, and that all the therapy will help him get past all his damaged past. I love that boy so much. I just want him to be happy, and live as normal of a life as possible. I will do everything it takes to make that happen. Everything. Including living through hell.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
