High School sports

Some days, I just reflect on these years and want to cry.  I had SO MUCH FUN during these years!  It was so great to watch my kids participate in a sport and gain the self-esteem that comes from working hard and accomplishing something to be proud of.  I moaned and groaned about sitting in the stands for hour after hour but really, it was so great.  When we decided to move to NP, and I headed over to MPHS to pick up Adam's transcript, I cried when leaving the campus.  I knew I wouldn't be back, and we had some really great years at that school.  I still miss MPHS.  I haven't bonded with NPHS like that at all, but maybe it is because Adam only ran one season of cross country here.  When I go to NPHS, my memories include talking to the principal and the campus police about Adam's suicide threat, and then watching my son being loaded into a police car to be delivered at a mental facility.  Not so great.

But anyway.

Now I have this to look forward to:

I don't know if Sophie will ever get to play high school sports.  She is enjoying home schooling, and truly, I can't see sending her to public high school when the atmosphere is so awful and the educational standards heading down the toilet.  So once she hits 8th grade, that may be the end of it.  Which makes me so sad.  I'll have to do some research.  Maybe there is something she can do!  Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy the next 4 track and soccer seasons and just soak it all up.  

And try to find something Sam can do.  Bike racing, maybe?

  

Count your many blessings

Let's just say that the past few weeks have been pretty hellish.  Broken arms, broken and dying back, doctor/dentist/chiropractor appointments nearly every day.  Two ER visits.  And then there is Adam.  I have never met or been around another person who is more of a jackass than Adam was this past three weeks.  We kicked him out twice.  Chad and I were seriously gritting our teeth every single day, just to keep ourselves from beating the daylights out of that kid.  So, med change again!  Only this time, the psychiatrist tells me that we need to prepare for things to get worse before they can get better because this med takes a month to kick in properly.  I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING WORSE.  Praying every minute of every day for strength and patience.  The combination of it all is overwhelming.

Anyway, I am trying to keep myself sane by counting my blessings.  I know I am blessed with so much!  But this week, I need the reminder, because I am mainly just feeling like I am being wrung out and you know that whole "refiner's fire" thing?  Yup, I'm there.  Last night I had a discussion with the Lord that basically went like this:
Me: I am dying here.  I can't do this anymore.  Our family can't do this anymore.  I can't deal with this.  I am losing it.  I am at the end of my rope.  I am sorry I am so weak, and can't bear these hard things.  I am sorry for my lack of faith.  Forgive me for forgetting all of my blessings....
Sigh.
Ok.
I'll keep going.

Heavenly Father:  Remember what I said?  About there being no challenge that you can't overcome?  You can do this.  Go take a Xanax, get some sleep.  It'll be ok tomorrow.

And, so far, it is.

Miracle.

College apps

Last week was noteworthy, and in spite of being in such bad pain (my lame back), I was happy.
The past couple of weeks, we have been starting the process of Adam's college applications.  I have thought long and hard about this one - because we need him to get out of the house and be a big boy, yet he isn't really ready to be completely on his own yet (and truth be told, I think he is terrified to be out on his own).  He told us awhile ago that he had been praying about whether he should go on his mission at 18, and felt that he shouldn't.  Which we agree with, wholeheartedly!  So college it is.  But where?  Not too stressful, safe (emotionally and physically) environment, relatively easy admission....the one place I have felt so good about is SUU.  Southern Utah University, located in Cedar City UT, minutes away from three cousins, and 20 minutes away from grandparents and an aunt and uncle who are pretty much 2nd parents to him.  He has spent a lot of time in Cedar City, is familiar with it, and I think he would be super comfortable there.  But.  There's that little pesky issue of non-resident tuition...TRIPLE the cost of resident tuition!  Truly, we would be crazy to pay that, when he could go to BYU Idaho where it is super cheap.  (I have no problem with BYU-I except that it is so stinking far away from everyone.  Even our ID relatives live like 7 hrs away.  Who knew that ID was such a big state?)  So I have been looking at all kinds of scholarships, trying to find a way to make SUU work.
I called their admissions office just to ask about application deadlines (I figured he should apply just in case of a miracle), and I got into a great conversation with the girl in the admissions office.  We talked about all the tuition costs and options...then she said to me,"Did you or your husband graduate from SUU?  Or any grandparents? Because we have what is called the Legacy Scholarship that could make tuition comparable to resident tuition."  I about fainted.  My mother got her Associates degree at SUU!  A bazillion years ago, but still a degree!  She connected me with the scholarship office and I found out that there are two kinds of scholarships that Adam could qualify for - the Legacy Scholarship, and a Western Undergraduate Exchange scholarship (which makes it affordable for out of staters to go to SUU).  Either one would bring the cost down - not as low as BYU-I, but certainly comparable!  And doable.  You have no idea what a miracle this is!  So of course, we got that application filled out and off to the admissions office immediately.  As soon as Adam gets accepted (which will happen, he has good enough GPA and ACT score to get in there), then we apply for the scholarships.  Made my week!
And we are in process of filling out Adam's application for the BYU's.  He wrote his first essay "the most challenging thing I have had to overcome" or something like that.  Of course, he wrote about his bipolar diagnosis.  And he ended the darned essay with this sentence, "I couldn't have come through this without my family, especially my sister Megan Wright, who goes to BYU Provo and is currently serving a mission in Fiji.  I am not ashamed to say that she is the best friend I have ever had, and I love her very much."  I have to make a copy of that and send it to Meg.  She will love it.
So, yay!  College!

Racism

I got a letter from Meg today, this was the first sentence, "So now that I have a new companion, I feel comfortable telling you about what a trial my trainer was."  She went on to describe treatment that makes me want to find that companion and punch her in the face.  Meg found out from her Bishop's wife that her trainer was talking such trash about Meg, especially about her being a palangi (white person).  She wouldn't help Meg learn Fijian because she didn't want her to understand all the garbage she was saying about her.  Right in front of her face, to members and investigators alike.  The Bishop's wife went on to tell Meg that the reason the missionaries didn't get any support from the ward members was because of that trainer - they knew what she was and that she didn't have the Spirit with her.  They felt sorry for Megan but they wouldn't allow that companion in their homes!  She was disobedient of the missionary rules, and just downright ugly and mean to Megan.  So Megan, in her effort to create a better environment, began serving this trainer like she has never served anyone before.  As I read her list, of the things she did for this trainer, I felt like she was taken advantage of, and really, treated like a slave.  Right down to carrying the trainer's backback for her, giving the trainer her jacket when it started raining, cooking for her, bringing her breakfast in bed.  Complimenting her, telling her she loved her, doing everything she could to make that trainer like her.  But Meg lost herself a little.  And then she had to learn to find herself in the Lord.  She said that sleep was her only refuge and prayer her only comfort.  She said that the past three months were the hardest she has ever experienced, but "I wouldn't change them, because I have learned and grown so much.  I don't feel like a kid anymore, I feel like a woman.  You grow up fast on a mission."
I have heard that there is a problem with racism in these S. Pacific islands.  The natives throw those racist terms (whitey, palangi, howlie) around all the time, and make fun of whites.  How sad, that Meg's very first experience in the mission field was with a completely racist trainer.  And no wonder there are so few palangi sister missionaries in Fiji.
The mission pres. knew some of this stuff, but not all of it.  Meg talked to him and he gave her a blessing.  But he didn't transfer either one of them until two weeks ago.  There must have been a good reason why.  My heart aches for Meg - she would never have put up with being treated that way here at home!  But she was brand new in a completely foreign country, doing her very best to serve the Lord and bring some semblance of Spirit into that companionship.  I feel horrible thinking about what she must have felt!  She has been and will be blessed for those hellish 3 months.  But man!  It makes me mad! Really really mad!  At least she got a wonderful new companion who has her back now.  And at least she got that trial by fire over at the very beginning of her mission.  And at least she has the ward members back on her side and willing to work with her.

I can't write any of this stuff on her blog.  It is completely public and will probably be read by other missionaries or their families who know this trainer.  But I'm pretty sure this blog is only read by my family and friends, so I feel free to post this here.

This brother and sister

I was looking for a picture of Adam and Megan together that I could put on my wall, and realized that we had none.  So I did some cropping, and this was what I came up with.  I emailed Meg and asked her if it was creepy and made them look like a couple, and she said, 

"No it doesn't look creepy!  I love this picture because 

I love that kid so much."

And Adam actually admitted out loud that Megan is the best friend he has ever had.

I'm pretty sure that says it all.

A really good hug

Sometimes, right before Adam leaves for seminary, right after we have prayer together, I wrap my arms around Adam and hug him tight.  And he hugs back.  And I say, "I love you son".  And he says, "you too".  And then he walks out the door.

In all truth, the hug probably happens because the kid is so tired that he can hardly hold himself up, and it gives him a chance to rest on me for a few seconds.  But I'll take it!  Any other time of the day, if I try to touch him, Adam flinches away.  Teenage son, or bipolar, I will probably never know.  But I'll tell you what, I enjoy that rare hug.

I've been stressing about this for months...

I don't know if I am just hyper-sensitive about this but I keep seeing serious modesty issues running rampant through our YW program.  Mostly in the length of the skirts.  I have heard the YM commenting on it - because I have two sons, and because my hubby is the Priest quorum advisor.  It is bothering grown men too.  This worries me.  After all, my second calling is as a group leader of the pornography family support group (for wives, girlfriends of porn addicts).   I hear such sad stories, over and over again about these men who are trying so hard to overcome a serious addiction, think that they are going to be "safe" at church, and find that they can't escape it there either.  Some people say "Those perverts just need to keep their eyes in their heads and stop looking!  Their problems are not the women's problems!"  Ok, in a perfect world, that would be totally correct.  But this is not a perfect world, men are hard-wired differently than women (and they are not perverts.  period.), and frankly, what are the women (girls) thinking will happen when dressed immodestly?!  Why do they dress immodestly in the first place?  For attention.  Duh.
So anyway, I have discussed the situation with all the appropriate leaders, and although there is general agreement, the biggest concern is that if we preach too much modesty, the girls will get offended and quit coming to church.  This is a legitimate concern.  So you can see my dilemma.  Luckily, I am not the leader directly over the worst offenders.  I have beautiful Beehives, who are still young and innocent enough that they can be taught.  Most of them have older sisters that dress immodestly though.  So they won't get support from their moms (don't get me started on those moms.  many of them have temple recommends and should know better than to encourage their daughters to wear clothes like that, especially to church.  but whatever.  I can't do anything about that.)
So I have been praying, praying, praying.  How to teach modesty to these young girls without offending them.  And one morning I woke up with a flash of inspiration.  Have a special Beehive activity celebrating women, what it means to be a woman in God's plan, how to respect our womanhood and use it to uplift people around us.  NO ONE could get offended about that.  Celebrating being a girl?  PERFECT!  I decided to have it at my house, decorate the heck out of it, serve girly refreshments, and find a great guest speaker who could teach it.  So then I started praying about who that guest speaker could be.  And the next morning I woke up with a name on my mind and a warm, positive feeling in my heart about having this one woman who had just moved into our ward.  She has two daughters in our YW, both of them are awesome young ladies who dress modestly and stand for truth and righteousness.  Clearly their mom has it going on.  Plus, she comes from a family full of girls who I know from my own YW days to be awesome young women too.  I ran the idea by my advisor, she enthusiastically agreed, so I called this woman.  She enthusiastically agreed too.  I gave her a couple of conference talks to base it on, and specifically mentioned that she could include how to behave like a lady and dress modestly, use clean language, and not base self-esteem on popularity or looks.  And trusted in the Lord that whatever she said would be what girls needed to hear.  I have been so excited about this activity!  But also stressed and worried, which is just who I am.
I spent all day yesterday baking and decorating my house.  And praying.  And all but one girl showed up!  And my guest speaker did a phenomenal job.  And she spent a good 25 minutes talking very openly about modesty.  She talked about how modesty is more than just how you dress.  It is in your heart and head, and how willing you are to be a Woman of God.  She then showed examples of how to modify dresses to be modest.  She gave them a list of websites where they could find really attractive and up to date modest dresses.  She made them a handout - a framed picture of the temple that they could hang next to their closets to look at before they picked out an outfit for the day.  She knocked it out of the park.  In short, I LOVED IT!!!

Its interesting what happens when we pray for help in our callings.  I know Heavenly Father loves those precious Beehives because His hand was in this activity from the beginning.  I love having prayers answered.  Again.