Hey, this isn't so bad!

So last post I wrote about enduring the first 6 months of this year.  And here I am in mid-March already!  So far, so good.  Really.  Things have improved a lot!

We switched Adam to a new psychiatrist.  We loved the old one but he became increasingly harder to reach - and he rarely called back.  It was so frustrating, especially when there was a problem at the pharmacy and we needed meds quick.  I can't tell you how many times Target pharmacy has given me "loaners" - just because the dr. wasn't answering their faxes or calls.  They are pretty great at that pharmacy and we are all on a first name basis.  That's kind of pathetic.
Anyway, this new psychiatrist was shocked at the meds and dosages that Adam was on.  He immediately started to decrease the anti-depressant and introduced him to another new mood stabilizer.  And that's when a miracle began.  The rage and anger and general J-A (yes, I am trying not to out and out cuss, Sophie has called me on it enough!) behavior has all but disappeared.  Adam is still a stinking teenage boy who can't help bugging his siblings, but at least now he isn't overwhelmingly angry all the time.  And destructive.  He is actually acting happy!  He is doing homework again…and caring about his grades and his relationships with his teachers and his peers.  He is participating in life again!  And it is so nice to be able to have him walk in the room without our guards instantly going up and avoiding him like the plague.  But, of course, life can't be that simple, can it.  So we have been dealing with some minor mania…Adam has started in with the pressured speaking (a lot more speaking than is necessary, which makes him seem like a know-it-all).  And he is spending money a little too freely.  Like, he donated $50 to a political campaign.  And he bought a testosterone supplement (total fraud) to build his muscles…"without working out".  This is not like Adam.  He has always been very good with his money, especially now that we are having him pay for his own gas and entertainment.  He also approached his choir teacher and volunteered to play the guitar for one of their competition songs for their big choir competition next Friday.  Adam hasn't picked up a guitar in over a year.  As soon as he got home from that, his face was pale as a sheet, and he said, "what did I just do?" Yeah, that's mania.  Thankfully we were able to talk him into going back to his teacher and un-volunteering, haha!
He gets obsessed easily.  And he is losing weight.  Some of these things are actually a huge improvement.  He gained so much weight over the past year so the weight loss is giving him a lot more self-confidence.  So overall, things have greatly improved…but I still wouldn't call him stable.  Its always a work in progress.  We are still planning on sending him to college this fall.  We still have about 5 months to get him stable.  Still fasting and praying.

As for my maintenance.  I am eating more calories every day.  It has been very weird to be able to eat more.  And it is an experiment every day to see what and how much I can eat.  Some days I have clearly eaten too much at a sitting, or the wrong thing, and I have experienced some really bad sickness.  My GI has a tendency to act up at any given time, especially when I am running!  I feel bad, but I have had to stop running with the friends I enjoy, just because I have to stop at every public restroom along the route!  It is embarrassing.  But I am learning more every day and the beauty of it is that along this path, I have not gained an ounce.  I am still maintaining 127 lbs.  Some days I weigh in and I can't believe I haven't gained anything because I know I ate too much the day before…thank goodness for MyFitnessPal!  I live by that app.  My kids think I am on my phone too much…but the thing is that I am constantly journaling my food intake, and I don't want to miss anything!  I guess that is probably what is keeping me on track.  I have gone to the dietician and she taught me all this crazy overwhelming information about food units and how many complex carbs/simple carbs/proteins/healthy fats/etc. that I should be eating.  I tried keeping track of that for two days and it took me so long to figure it all out that I just gave up.  I am just trying to keep my proteins up and get most of my carbs from fruit and veggies, and crossing my fingers that it is ok.  So far it is working. I am still shocked every time I look at myself in the mirror.  I can't believe this is me.  But it has started to feel like the new normal - meaning, I don't feel thin, I just feel like me.  But all my life, when I have felt this way, I was fat.  Hence the mirror shock.

The homeschooling is going better, but I am still not sure what I want to do next fall.  I am afraid that the kids aren't getting the level of education they need to be prepared for college, but I am also afraid to send them to public school.  Especially Sam.  High School is awful.  The language, topics of conversation, immodesty, etc.  So you see my dilemma!  Personally, it would revolutionize my life if I could have some alone time.  But I am trying not to be selfish about this.

Meg is happy, so that makes me happy.  I am so grateful that she is halfway done.  I have always thought that I am a lousy missionary mom because I miss her so bad and want the time to pass quickly. Guilt.  But I have talked to enough moms to find out that I am not abnormal.  My feelings are legit.  It has gotten easier the longer she has been gone, but I guess that also has to do with the fact that she is so much happier now.  So immersed in the culture and the language, and she gets to be a trainer (which is actually kind of rare with the palangi sisters).  Put Meg in charge and she will whip things into shape and feel great about doing it.  I love that kid.

So.  Go March!  April will go quickly because there are a lot of holidays and things to look forward to. May is the last month of school.  June, we'll be packing for the move.  July, we'll be moving.  August, we'll be decorating the new house and putting in a yard and delivering Adam to SUU.  September, my favorite time of the year will be starting (FALL!).  October, we will be able to decorate the new house for our first holiday there.  November, Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and MEG COMES HOME!!!  And the year could quit there and I would be super happy, but no, then there is Christmas and our trip to Fiji.  Bring it on!

Good Riddance, 2013! Hello, 2014!

I bet a lot of people feel that way about the past year, regardless of what year it is.  It is always more interesting to look forward to the unsullied and hopeful future than to brood on the past.  I made a lot of mistakes in 2013.  Plus it was just a really hard year.  I'm ready to move on.

But, there were a lot of things I learned in 2013 too.  So I'm grateful for them.  And many of the blessings that we'll receive in 2014 got their start in 2013.  So, there was a lot of good too.

But anyway.  2014.  In the interest of being positive even though 2014 did not start off well (Adam), here are the things I am looking forward to this year:

1) Adam graduates HS.
2) Our house should be completed in July/Aug, and we will be moving in.
3) Adam goes off to SUU.
4) MEG COMES HOME!!!
5) A trip to Fiji, maybe.
6) Sophie will be getting her ears pierced on her 10th Birthday (a rite of passage with the Wright girls).
7) Track season.
8) Soccer season.
9) Sam will be turning 14, dances?  Youth Conference?  Holy Cow.
10) I don't have to throw any birthday parties this year because last year was our party year.  I only throw birthday parties every other year.
11) I'll be a lot thinner this year.

Goals?
1) Maintenance. Will. Be. A. Beast.  My goal is to learn to conquer head hunger.
2) Save money for house/furniture.
3) Be a better homeschooler.
4) Strengthen testimony through scripture study.  Share it more.
5) Maintain a spirit of love and prayer in my home.  Don't let difficult situations force the Holy Ghost out.

If I can make it through the first half of the year, then the really great stuff will follow.  So I guess my 6th goal is endurance.

Here we go!

57 lbs healthier

Last summer I had gastric bypass surgery.  It was a very hard decision, but there were a number of factors that pushed me in that direction.  1) I was diagnosed pre-diabetic.  It runs in my family, and my blood sugar was nuts.  I even had to have insulin a few times, especially in the hospital after my surgery...for no good reason since I hadn't eaten anything in like two days.  My mama is diabetic and hates it so bad...she cried when I told her about the diagnosis.  2) Heart disease runs in my family.  Along with knee and hip deterioration and replacement.  3) I am so heartily sick and tired of the battle - up, down, up, down, then up up up.  It has been pretty much the roughest year of my life, and it showed.  I knew I needed to make some serious changes and I needed help.

I have hesitated to make this such public knowledge.  I have not been keeping it a secret (if you asked how I was losing so much weight, I would tell you).  But I also am not advertising it.  No poster child here.  And the reason for this is that a lot of people think that bariatric surgery is taking the easy way out.  There is a misconception out there that people who go this route are just not willing to diet and exercise.  That they are lazy.  Well, for someone who has fat genes, who has a food addiction, who has chronic injuries that keep them from being able to run like she wants to so badly (that would be me)...bariatric surgery is a tool to help make major lifestyle changes.  It is not a cop-out.  It is NOT (I repeat, NOT) easy!  So if you feel that way about me right now, you are clearly not a friend.  Sorry.  The biggest drawback that everyone has been mentioning to me is the GI tract issues.  But I have to assure you that people who have that problem are simply eating either too much, or the wrong foods.  If I eat healthy, I have NONE of those problems.
Here's what makes this so hard:  although my stomach is tiny right now due to the surgery, and I don't feel hungry that way very often, my "head hunger" is alive and roaring.  I have learned that for me, that head hunger is more powerful than any physical hunger.  So please imagine what Halloween was like for me.  My drug of choice is candy.  My back was spasming so badly that I couldn't even get out of bed, and I ended up in the ER for some kind of pain relief.  It took 3 shots of narcotic to even make a dent, and even so I passed out multiple times between the car and my bed.  And between my bed and the bathroom.  Childbirth was a breeze compared to this pain.  Adam was being a beast to the other kids, and I couldn't do anything about it.  And then the kids showed up with candy all over the house.  It felt like people were throwing it in my face.  Please try to imagine a meth addict who has to buy the drug to pass out to other people, and has it sitting around in bowls and pillowcases all over the house.  So that was bad.
Thanksgiving was even worse.  This holiday completely revolves around feasting.  Even after Thanksgiving dinner, there were the delicious leftovers, and pies sitting out on the counter.  Caramel corn.  Cookies.  Hot rolls.  That was really bad.
Now we start in with Christmas.  Making homemade desserts and treats to give to friends and loved ones.  Sigh.  Oh man, that head hunger is crying out.  Sorry folks, this year, its going to have to be store-bought.  I can't take all that baking.  Which is a shame, I am a good baker.

But, I am weathering the storms.  I am seeing a food therapist, going to a support group, keeping track of every bite that goes in my mouth, reading food labels, making every bit count, nutritionally.  Trying to convince myself that food is fuel.  And fuel only.  In about 4 more months I will start the maintenance phase of this journey, which will be even harder.  I will be able to eat more calories, but instead of being excited about that, I am terrified.  I know from experience, maintenance is a beast.

So, yeah, I have lost 57 lbs as of today.  It has been rapid weight loss but that keeps me motivated and frankly, after that surgery, I deserve it.  I expect to lose at least 25 lbs more, and then there is always a 10 lb bounce back.  At least, that is all I will ever allow myself.  I will probably be food journaling for the rest of my life.  And watching my protein!  And I am happy!  I am starting to feel thin.  People are starting to notice.  I am fitting into the lowest sizes I even own, so there will be a new wardrobe pretty soon.  But most of all, I am healthy.  I am healthy.

How can there be so many miracles amidst so much craziness?

So, we have had two big things that we've been working on in the past 3 months.  Finding a way to buy a house, and finding a way to help Adam move out when he turns 18.  We were already sure that he wouldn't be serving a mission at 18.  So what else was there?  College, or a job and a rented room somewhere because he is difficult to live with.  So college, but where?  I wasn't happy about BYU Idaho because it is SO BLOOMING FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE, and he didn't have the grades or the ACT score for BYU Provo.  I have been thinking about SUU in Cedar City, UT for awhile now - it felt so right for Adam.  Small, less stress, and best of all, super close to family.  They could definitely keep an eye on him for me!  BUT.  Being a non-Utah-resident, the tuition was TRIPLE that of Utah residents.  Yes, I said triple.  Chad kept telling me no way.  The BYU's are so affordable.  I just about gave up but there was a nagging desire that just wouldn't go away.  I started doing my homework about 2 months ago...found out that there were scholarships that could help with that cost.  So he applied.  And Adam got in and qualified for a great 4-year scholarship...which can be deferred for his mission.  It is so perfect that we seriously cannot question where this miracle came from.  On top of it, they have the major that Adam is interested in, Criminal Justice, and they have a forensics lab.  (He wants to be a police investigator.  Great job security and benefits.)  Last week we went on a campus tour while we were in New Harmony for Thanksgiving...it was so great.  Dorms where he can request LDS roommates.  Food plan.  But the most impressive thing was the Institute!  Adam was worried about being able to take a mission prep class at a non-lds school...not worried anymore!  The Institute was HUGE!  22 student wards.  An Institute concert choir.  By the time we left Cedar City, Adam had such a huge smile on his face.  Pretty much a no-brainer for him.  So now his future is all set.  One year at SUU, mission, then 3 more years at SUU, then a career in law enforcement.  

Oh, and did I say that he started a new med about three weeks ago and it is WORKING!  He's less depressed.  Guess what?  It is the same med I take for my epilepsy (just different dose) and I had been feeling that we should give it a try.  The dr. suggested it and we noticed a major change right away.  Now Adam just has a bad case of Senioritis, but that, I can deal with.

Now, the house.  Well, lets just say that this story is so full of twists and turns that if I explained them all here you would be dizzy.  Suffice it to say, we thought we were going to get one house & lot, then we were heartbroken when it sold, then we were trying to get excited about another one, then the people who bought the first lot dropped out (that we even found out about that is unbelievable), then we got it but had to have a final bank approval (which turned out to be super hard to get, due to new regulations and the sheer volume of paperwork!!!  I've never had to deal with such narrow parameters in my life)...we found out that we got it the day before Thanksgiving.  So now we get to move forward with having the home built with all our preferences in upgrades...its going to end up being a dream house.  Won't be done until next summer, but I don't care.  It is the coolest thing.  Probably it will be our forever house.  We prayed that if we were supposed to stay in Dos Vientos, we would find a way to buy a house...it was a CRAZY adventure, but here we are.  I was so happy to find this rental house and get moved in...that story is also full of miracles...but I'm ready to give up the rental life now.  

I'm telling you, every day I wake up wondering how we can be so blessed.  So so many blessings. It is amazing and I am humbled by the Lord's love and His involvement in our lives.  I don't know what I did to deserve so much.  Must be Megan's mission.  

High School sports

Some days, I just reflect on these years and want to cry.  I had SO MUCH FUN during these years!  It was so great to watch my kids participate in a sport and gain the self-esteem that comes from working hard and accomplishing something to be proud of.  I moaned and groaned about sitting in the stands for hour after hour but really, it was so great.  When we decided to move to NP, and I headed over to MPHS to pick up Adam's transcript, I cried when leaving the campus.  I knew I wouldn't be back, and we had some really great years at that school.  I still miss MPHS.  I haven't bonded with NPHS like that at all, but maybe it is because Adam only ran one season of cross country here.  When I go to NPHS, my memories include talking to the principal and the campus police about Adam's suicide threat, and then watching my son being loaded into a police car to be delivered at a mental facility.  Not so great.

But anyway.

Now I have this to look forward to:

I don't know if Sophie will ever get to play high school sports.  She is enjoying home schooling, and truly, I can't see sending her to public high school when the atmosphere is so awful and the educational standards heading down the toilet.  So once she hits 8th grade, that may be the end of it.  Which makes me so sad.  I'll have to do some research.  Maybe there is something she can do!  Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy the next 4 track and soccer seasons and just soak it all up.  

And try to find something Sam can do.  Bike racing, maybe?

  

Count your many blessings

Let's just say that the past few weeks have been pretty hellish.  Broken arms, broken and dying back, doctor/dentist/chiropractor appointments nearly every day.  Two ER visits.  And then there is Adam.  I have never met or been around another person who is more of a jackass than Adam was this past three weeks.  We kicked him out twice.  Chad and I were seriously gritting our teeth every single day, just to keep ourselves from beating the daylights out of that kid.  So, med change again!  Only this time, the psychiatrist tells me that we need to prepare for things to get worse before they can get better because this med takes a month to kick in properly.  I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING WORSE.  Praying every minute of every day for strength and patience.  The combination of it all is overwhelming.

Anyway, I am trying to keep myself sane by counting my blessings.  I know I am blessed with so much!  But this week, I need the reminder, because I am mainly just feeling like I am being wrung out and you know that whole "refiner's fire" thing?  Yup, I'm there.  Last night I had a discussion with the Lord that basically went like this:
Me: I am dying here.  I can't do this anymore.  Our family can't do this anymore.  I can't deal with this.  I am losing it.  I am at the end of my rope.  I am sorry I am so weak, and can't bear these hard things.  I am sorry for my lack of faith.  Forgive me for forgetting all of my blessings....
Sigh.
Ok.
I'll keep going.

Heavenly Father:  Remember what I said?  About there being no challenge that you can't overcome?  You can do this.  Go take a Xanax, get some sleep.  It'll be ok tomorrow.

And, so far, it is.

Miracle.

College apps

Last week was noteworthy, and in spite of being in such bad pain (my lame back), I was happy.
The past couple of weeks, we have been starting the process of Adam's college applications.  I have thought long and hard about this one - because we need him to get out of the house and be a big boy, yet he isn't really ready to be completely on his own yet (and truth be told, I think he is terrified to be out on his own).  He told us awhile ago that he had been praying about whether he should go on his mission at 18, and felt that he shouldn't.  Which we agree with, wholeheartedly!  So college it is.  But where?  Not too stressful, safe (emotionally and physically) environment, relatively easy admission....the one place I have felt so good about is SUU.  Southern Utah University, located in Cedar City UT, minutes away from three cousins, and 20 minutes away from grandparents and an aunt and uncle who are pretty much 2nd parents to him.  He has spent a lot of time in Cedar City, is familiar with it, and I think he would be super comfortable there.  But.  There's that little pesky issue of non-resident tuition...TRIPLE the cost of resident tuition!  Truly, we would be crazy to pay that, when he could go to BYU Idaho where it is super cheap.  (I have no problem with BYU-I except that it is so stinking far away from everyone.  Even our ID relatives live like 7 hrs away.  Who knew that ID was such a big state?)  So I have been looking at all kinds of scholarships, trying to find a way to make SUU work.
I called their admissions office just to ask about application deadlines (I figured he should apply just in case of a miracle), and I got into a great conversation with the girl in the admissions office.  We talked about all the tuition costs and options...then she said to me,"Did you or your husband graduate from SUU?  Or any grandparents? Because we have what is called the Legacy Scholarship that could make tuition comparable to resident tuition."  I about fainted.  My mother got her Associates degree at SUU!  A bazillion years ago, but still a degree!  She connected me with the scholarship office and I found out that there are two kinds of scholarships that Adam could qualify for - the Legacy Scholarship, and a Western Undergraduate Exchange scholarship (which makes it affordable for out of staters to go to SUU).  Either one would bring the cost down - not as low as BYU-I, but certainly comparable!  And doable.  You have no idea what a miracle this is!  So of course, we got that application filled out and off to the admissions office immediately.  As soon as Adam gets accepted (which will happen, he has good enough GPA and ACT score to get in there), then we apply for the scholarships.  Made my week!
And we are in process of filling out Adam's application for the BYU's.  He wrote his first essay "the most challenging thing I have had to overcome" or something like that.  Of course, he wrote about his bipolar diagnosis.  And he ended the darned essay with this sentence, "I couldn't have come through this without my family, especially my sister Megan Wright, who goes to BYU Provo and is currently serving a mission in Fiji.  I am not ashamed to say that she is the best friend I have ever had, and I love her very much."  I have to make a copy of that and send it to Meg.  She will love it.
So, yay!  College!