Adam's first day of Senior year, fingers crossed

Today is Adam's first day of school, his Senior year.  Last year, understandably, didn't go so well.  He didn't start doing really well until this summer, and it was wonderful.  But now.  Back to school.  And all the anxieties that accompany it.  And we all know that Adam doesn't do well with anxiety.  I had a talk with him about my concerns with his mental health and he was argumentative at first but then I think he started to understand me.  He wants all the freedoms that other kids his age have, but I just can't give them all to him when I don't know whether he will make good or not so good choices with those freedoms.  Which REALLY bugs him.  And I understand that but what can I do?  This bipolar!  What a rotten thing.  I asked him to give me two weeks to see how he does, and then we will talk about him getting an off-campus pass, etc.  I reminded him that there was a time last year when he wasn't even allowed to drive to school, and that now he had that freedom back.  I think he got it.  I hope he got it!  This will be the test.  I have been praying hard for us to be able to get him regulated and healthy so that he can serve a mission.  I have been fasting and praying so hard for help in finding the right meds, in finding the right therapist and psychiatrist.  I am literally laying my faith at the Lord's feet and begging for help.  We have basically one year to get this all figured out if Adam is going to be able to serve his mission when he (and we) wants to.  I think he can do it, if he is medicated properly.  If he is like he was this summer, then I think he will be fine with it.  But this summer was a no-stress, no-anxiety summer.
Agh, I am worried.  Like always, I am worried.

School starts!

Well, here we are at the beginning of another school year.  Adam will start next Wed, and he is a SENIOR!!!  Blows my mind.  Totally different situation than when Meg was a senior - man, she acted like an adult and it was the best year of our lives, to date.  I LOVED that year!  Remembering that school year, the cross country and track meets, the BYU-Provo acceptance, the fun friendship between Meg and Adam and the casual teenage firepit and guitar nights, graduation, our trip to England...it was the best.  Sometimes I cry, missing that school year.  But I digress.
So anyway, with Adam being a senior and all, he isn't going to know until the first day of school what supplies he will need, and even then, it certainly won't be colored pencils and glue sticks.  I am also still homeschooling Sam and Sophie this year.  So all these ads about school supplies and new school clothes, and people posting pictures of their kids going back to school on FB...I am not getting any of that.  I have to be honest.  I miss that and I am feeling a loss.  I've been asking the young ones if they wouldn't rather go back to public school and they say a resounding "NO!"  And it is just as well.  Public school pretty much stinks in every way.  Some schools are better than others but they are all required to teach certain standards, some of which are just offensive.  And they are full of immodestly dressed kids and language that I just don't want my kids exposed to.  So on a theoretical level, I am totally supportive and even excited about homeschooling.  But I miss that school shopping and first day of school excitement.  I considered taking pictures of my kids in pajamas for their first day of school pictures.  But that might give people the idea that we are lazy about school and we are anything but lazy!!!  A lot of my homeschooling friends are groaning about school starting again.  I kind of feel that way too, except that I found a bunch of super-cool enrichment classes for them and that will resolve the boredom that we experienced last year.  So that excites me.
Maybe I should take them school shopping anyway.  Surely they will need some supplies.  Any supplies!  Clothes, not so much.  Maybe just a new pair of pajamas.

21 years!

Twenty-one years ago today, I married the man of my dreams.  Yesterday, I was reading in my old journal from my Study Abroad year (looking for something I could copy and send to Meg, since that period of time was filled with homesickness and struggle in a foreign land) and stumbled on the journal entry from the day I met Chad (this was about 10 months after I got back from Vienna).  I had spent months bemoaning the fact that I hadn't really dated anyone that I was remotely interested in for a long time.  Anatomy was my favorite class because it was fascinating, and also because there was this guy in there that I caught staring at me often.  It was creepy and intriguing at the same time.  One day he walked out of class behind me and we started talking.  He walked me to the library, talking the whole time.  He was nice, and I could tell that he was interested in me.  Which made me feel good.  A few days later, he found me in the library, we talked for an hour, he made me laugh so much, and then I gave him my number.  He called me after Thanksgiving and we got together at my sister Kay's house for a "study date".  We didn't study at all.  We talked and talked and talked for over 5 hours.  And then out of nowhere, we kissed...I have to admit it was the best kiss I'd ever had and I knew in that moment that I was in big trouble.  I could have predicted that night that we would be getting married someday, but there was that part of me that wanted a sign from God that Chad was the right man for me.  Its funny...after dating for 8 months and getting engaged twice, I didn't get that undeniable confirmation until I was standing in the Celestial room of the L.A. temple the day before we were sealed.  I saw him in his temple whites, and I had an overwhelming feeling that he was my eternal companion and that we would be together forever.  It was a joy to marry Chad and be sealed to him for eternity.
Since then, we have had a lot of ups and downs in our marriage, just like everyone else.  We have laughed, fought, cried both with joy and sorrow, struggled through challenges that we thought we would never overcome.  We made it through 10 years of college and advanced degrees, while having 3 kids (our 4th came along right after graduation).  We are raising those kids together.  We are supporting each other as we are serving Heavenly Father.  We go back to the L.A. temple together and look into the room where we were sealed, and we are happy.  21 years of togetherness.  Marriage...not always easy, but always worth it.  I love you, Chad.   

Sad letters

We started getting snail mail letters from Meg, which were written during her first and second weeks in Fiji.  She was so homesick then.  It was hard for her to adjust to a completely new culture and language, and her companion was hardly helpful.  In fact, she sounds like a bit of a nightmare.  My heart has been aching so bad for Meg!  Anytime she has been sad in the past, I would wrap my arms around her and give her loving pep-talks.  She would do the same to me when I was sad.  We have been best friends for years now, but especially during her HS years when she had basically no social life.  These snail mail letters are a bit more raw than the emailed ones.  I think because she was writing them in the moment, not just on P-day when she knew her letter would be put on her blog.  I can imagine how she felt, I have been that homesick before.  I felt that when I was on a 7 month Study Abroad in Austria.  The first few weeks there were so bad - I seriously thought I was going to die.  I felt physically ill.  I didn't want to wake up in the mornings because then I would find that I was still there.  It was awful for about 2-3 weeks, and then I started to recognize the grand adventure that I was on.  I knew I would probably never make it back there again, and so I began to absorb that language and culture and appreciate the things I was seeing.  It got easier then.  I tried to warn Meg about that kind of homesickness but I don't think she really took me seriously.  Anyway, I am not surprised that she has been this homesick, I just hate that she is going through it.  I need to look through my Study Abroad journal and find some pages that she will identify with.  Maybe that will help.
Anyway, I am homesick for Meg too.  For the first time since she left, I really broke down on Saturday, and again today.  I am seriously a lousy missionary mom.  I don't tell her about it, but this is the hardest thing I have ever done...and I've been through some pretty hard things.  But on the other hand, I am seeing so many amazing blessings.  Like, miracles.  So I should be super happy, and I am most of the time.  It just slams me sometimes and I struggle.  I hope that when Meg starts having a better experience in Fiji, then it will be easier for me too.  And holy cow, I want the time to go by so much faster!!!  But here is the quandary.  The faster the time goes, the sooner Adam will be gone too.  If he continues to be stable like he is now, then he will definitely be able to serve a mission.  In less than a year.  Nobody ever talks about how the mom feels about having 2 missionaries out at the same time.  I can tell you, I am going to be a mess again!  Especially because of Adam's bipolar!  At least I am pretty sure they won't send him foreign.  That will make it easier!
All of that said, I know that the sacrifice brings blessings.  I know that Meg is growing and becoming the person that her Heavenly Father wants her to be...the woman that will be a strong and faithful wife and mother.  And when the time comes for Adam, I know that he will learn the gospel and mature into an honorable and valiant holder of the Priesthood like the sons of Helaman.  Like the prophet that he was named for.  As a mother, this is the very best that I could hope for, for my children.  So the sacrifice is worth it.  Let me bawl a little bit, it will be worth it.  

Happy

Good good things happening with Adam.  He had a GREAT time at Scout Camp and strengthened his friendships with the rest of his quorum.  There was one slight issue when he tried to go off a jump in a wheelbarrow and had a spectacular wipe-out...I still haven't seen the video of that but have been told by multiple people how brutal it was.  Heh heh heh, stupid kid.  He has some bruises, and deserves them. (A wheelbarrow, really?!)  But otherwise, it was a great week for both Sam and Adam and that was an answer to prayers.
Anyway, I think we finally have the meds evened out.  It has been 10 months and 5 different meds, but we are finally here, I think.  I say I think because with the changing hormones of a teenage boy, the meds have to change a lot too but where we are right now is GREAT!!
We are so blessed.  Megan says that one of the main reasons she decided to serve a mission was so our family, and Adam specifically, would be blessed.  I love her!  What an amazing young woman!  Also, we have been exercising our faith - I have been going to the temple as often as I can, sometimes weekly, and putting Adam's name on the prayer roll.  We have been fasting, praying, and in general, laying our faith at the Lord's feet.  I know He has been hearing and answering our prayers.  I am so incredibly grateful. There will still be hiccups and life can't be perfect, but for now, we are so happy!

Have I mentioned how much I love my kids?  And how thankful I am for them?  So blessed.
  

Girls week

This morning at 4:00, I sent both boys off to Zion's camp...which I think is just a glorified version of scout camp only with some religious stuff thrown in.  I could be wrong.  I haven't ever participated in Zion's camp before.  Anyway, there was a lot of preparation that went into this week.  I'm not talking about packing clothes or buying of supplies, although there was that too.  I'm talking about all the pep-talks and prayers.  This week will be the first time Adam has been away from home since his stint in Aurora Vista.  He will be in charge of taking his own meds.  He will be on his own to deal with his social anxiety.  In a way it is good practice for his mission (yes, he still plans on serving a mission...might be a little later than other boys but I'm ok with that).  He was excited to go until he walked in on us talking on the phone with the leader going with them.  We felt that we needed to give him the head's up about Adam's bipolar and see if he could just check in with Adam to make sure he was taking his meds.  It wasn't that long ago that Adam was threatening to quit taking them, so I didn't want him to look at this week as a great opportunity to try that!  Also, we got him special permission to take his phone in case he gets hard core anxiety and needs to be talked through it.  He didn't want someone checking up on him - said he didn't need a babysitter.  I understand him feeling uncomfortable with that but the bottom line is, he needs someone right now.  Plus, if I was the leader, I would want to know what I was dealing with.
And then there is Sam.  Sam gets homesick.  He is so socially awkward that it is painful.  So he misses the unconditional love and acceptance that he gets at home and wants it when he feels like he doesn't fit in.  He has been treated badly, but really no more than other boys.  We had to pep-talk the heck out of him - and even then it almost wasn't enough.  Frankly, the kid is 13 years old.  He needs to man up.  I am getting pretty sick of the clinginess!  I am hoping that he makes some friends, strengthens friendships that he already has, and sees that he doesn't need mom and dad to be happy.  There has been a certain amount of enabling here, I am trying to counter that.
So, Chad gave them both blessings.  Say what you want about it, it is just scout camp, right?  But don't judge.  It was a sweet family moment, and afterward, they seemed calm and happy.  Sophie had some questions about the Priesthood.  It was a learning experience for all of us.  And then I had to get the boys out of bed at 3:25 am to get them to the church on time to catch their rides.  I'm feeling hung over!  But they were fine, even excited, so I'm not too worried.  They're going to have a great week.

So its just me and Sophie this week, and she is certain to get bored.  But I am REALLY enjoying the girl time with her.  We went on a walk this morning, very good for me, and had a good talk.  I  am taking advantage of this girl time to talk to her about who she is and what she stands for.  I am sneaking in little comments about the gospel every time I can, without seeming preachy.  We have all kinds of activities planned, from crafts to movies to play dates and special lunches.  I love that girlie and I want her to grow up as strong and faithful as her older sister.  I also want her to know that I love her so much and I want us to be besties just like me and Meg.  No taking a break this week, it will be packed with Sophie specialness.  She deserves it, she is a GREAT kid!  

There's a hole in my heart.

Last Saturday, Meg left the MTC for Fiji.  Missionaries are allowed to call home from the airport and are given a 15 minute phone card...so I was one super excited Mama!  She told us that she would call around 5:00pm.  That came and went.  So did 6:30pm.  At 7:00, Chad called the MTC to see if she had really left.  She had.  Finally, at 7:15pm, we got the phone call.  It was so sweet to hear her voice!  After she used up the 15minutes, she called us back again with another card she had purchased from the bookstore...and when she used that one up, she used her ATM card.  Haha, we talked for 3 HOURS!!!  It was the best phone call of my life.  She spoke Fijian to us and wow, is it a funny-sounding language!  We talked about the MTC, and who she saw there, and her calling there, and then we talked about all the news from home, and she talked to each of the kids, and she was so spiritual.  And so excited!  After 3 hours (most of which was monopolized by ME), we kind of ran out of things to talk about, and it was getting close to her boarding time, so we said goodbye.  I got a little teary but I tried to hold it in until we got off the phone.  And then she flew for 15 hours, then caught a shuttle and rode it for 4 hours to get to Suva and the mission home.  She completely missed Sunday, since Fiji is 19 hrs ahead of us.  And my heart was aching.  And every day I get slammed in the pit of my stomach with the knowledge that my best friend is far far away and I won't get to see her for 17 months.  Oh, it is bittersweet!  But I am trying to focus on the missionary miracles that we are seeing here and there.  Here and there.  At least I'm not crying anymore.