Mother's day

This was a fabulous weekend! I knew it would start off well because I would get to talk to my missionary.  But I was a little worried about the day of.  Mother's day last year was kind of emotional and not all of it happy.  Megan gave her farewell talk in church that day, which was wonderful and sweet and she said all kinds of great things about me which made me feel Mother's guilt because I'm positive I'm not THAT good of a mom!  But I was so proud of her.  My in-laws were here for Meg's talk, and so that made the day special too.  But Adam.  He was awful.  One of the hardest things about being around bipolar peeps is that it is so easy to base our feelings on the way they are acting or feeling.  They can sometimes say and do things that are so hurtful, yet they will argue until the day is done that they were perfectly justified in doing it.  It is hard to walk away from that.  I think that has been our hardest challenge, especially for Chad.  He takes it personally every time!  Which is easy to do.  But it doesn't help anyone!  So much easier (and healthier, really) to just chalk it up to a bipolar episode and walk away.  As sad as it is to say this, when Adam is like that, it is better to ignore him than to get into it with him.  There is no disciplining it out of him.  Its just the nature of the illness.  Ugh.

Anyway!  Adam was a totally different kid yesterday!  He was super nice to me!  Gave me a couple of hugs and said that one of the reasons that he loves me is because I have taught him the Gospel!  (tears)  He cleaned up after dinner without complaining too much!  He was nice to his siblings!  There was a moment in church, when I looked up and saw both of my sons exercising their Priesthood, and Adam smiled at me from the sacrament table, and I started to cry (more tears).  I was just so overwhelmed by a feeling of gratitude!  So blessed!  I got to talk to my beloved daughter for 4 hours!!!  She was not homesick!  There were no tears when it came time to say goodbye, because we got plenty of time together, and she was in a hurry to get ready for church, and to pick up a promising investigator.  It was a wonderful Mother's day call.  I love that kid so much and she truly is one of my besties.  Chad made me breakfast in bed and gave me earrings, and told me a million times that he loves me!  Man, he treats me so well.  And Sam and Sophie are so loving and sweet to me.  Sophie made me a super cute card and about 25 little doo-dads that she made on her Rainbow Loom.  I really felt loved all day long.  And I felt no Mother's guilt, because I earned this mother's day fair and square this year…at least with one of my kids!  Oh, it could not have been a better day.  THANK YOU, Chad, Megan, Adam, Sam, and Sophie!  And the dogs.  (Rico was glued to me all day and also snuggled up on my chest for an hour.  No he does not always do that.  Sometimes I think that dog is part human.)  

I am so thankful to be a woman.  A wife and a mother.  A daughter and a sister.  I am so thankful that the Lord blessed me with 4 wonderful children who I love more than my life!  They are all different and sometimes horrible, but they are all worth it!  Every single minute of them.  And a loving husband who spoils me.  And other mothers who set examples for me and support me.  Who listen when I need to vent and don't judge me when I am about to lose it.  I love my life and the people in it!

 

Time is draaaaaggggggiiiiinnnngggg on…and I am in a funk

Last week was one of the longest weeks I've lived through to date.  Maybe the last week of pregnancy was slower, but this was pretty bad.  It was spring break and we didn't go anywhere or really do anything at all.  The kids had dental appointments and Adam got his wisdom teeth out. We had some Germans staying with us for 5 nights (a sister missionary who served here brought her two siblings to take a tour of her mission, they were gone pretty much every day.  Not hard company, and actually quite entertaining!). Chad even took off two days and we still didn't really do anything or go anywhere.  I got a bad case of the blahs.  Sometimes a stay cation is good…but we haven't been on a vacation since Thanksgiving, and before that, since we took Meg to the MTC last May, which wasn't really a vacation.  I have missed going on vacation, especially our annual summer trip to Lake Nacimiento.  Which is not very annual anymore, we have missed it for two summers in a row, plus we sold the boat!
Life just keeps getting in the way.  But when we are out of our normal routine, with extra time on our hands, it is just boring.  I ate too much, didn't run enough, and although I haven't gained any weight (which I still can't figure out.  How have I not gained any weight?!), I feel yucky.
Plus, and this one is probably the biggest culprit of my crankiness, with the additional time on our hands, Chad and I have been sneaking into the new house, often.  They are just about done with the outside now, and so all the work is being done on the inside.  They have started locking the doors, but Chad takes a screwdriver and breaks in.  They are in the middle of staining all our wood trim - bannisters, fireplace mantles, etc.  And painting, installing baseboards, and getting ready for tile and granite.  It is looking real!  And beautiful, I love it!  AND I WANT IT DONE NOW!!!  I want to get moved!  This has been such an exciting and long process, we've been dreaming about this house for over a year now, and my impatience is breaking through in a big way!  I finally told Chad that I couldn't go to the house anymore.  It just makes me feel antsy and impatient.  Maybe just once every other week.  And I want to start packing already!  Chad keeps wanting to go furniture shopping.  This makes me nervous - how do I know what colors and sizes of furniture to buy when we aren't even living in the house yet?!  We have bought two new bedroom sets (both were on final clearance, hence the early purchase), and one sits in the garage.  Clearly he is getting impatient too!  I told him no more furniture shopping until at least 4 weeks before move-in - we can't store anything else here or we will look like a furniture store!
Also, I am frustrated with Meg.  She is being a great missionary, loving the people and learning the language.  She had her 5th baptism in March.  She is doing fantastic!  But she never answers our letters.  Never.  She writes great long letters for her blog, but never answers our specific letters.  I have sent her 4 packages in the past month (it was her birthday, and I never send one big package for fear it will get held up in customs and undelivered for some reason), and she hasn't commented on a single one of them except to say that she got them. I know how much time and effort and money goes into those packages…I see on other missionaries' blogs, pictures of the missionary with the contents of the package, and commentary on what items were inside.  Meg doesn't do that.  Its so annoying.  I have been asking her for MONTHS to let me know about the packages, and last week, I asked her 4 TIMES in the same letter (!!!) to respond about the packages.  Still nothing.  I swear, it is like she is doing it on purpose.  And I ask her other questions in my letters to her, she never answers them.  I don't know how else to express it without writing her a scorcher of a letter…and I really don't want to do that.  Maybe I should just give up.  I should probably just give up.  There were a few times when she was up at BYU that she ignored my phone calls and texts for about a week, it made me feel crappy, and Chad actually sent her a stern text about answering me.  She was just totally wrapped up in her life and kept forgetting to respond.  So I guess being wrapped up in her mission life is a good thing and I shouldn't complain.  Yep, I'm going to give up.  And to the family members who have gone to such effort and spent so much money on shipping: I hope you are getting a better response than I am!  If not, I am sorry!  But as her mother, I thank you with all of my heart for thinking of her and loving her and going out of your way to make her feel special and loved.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!
The Germans left this morning, Adam went back to seminary and school, and I am determined to get out and exercise.  Life can't help but get better, right?  As I always tell my kids when they are going nuts with waiting for birthdays and Christmas…get busy!  Time always flies by when we're busy.  Ok, starting the laundry.


  

2 steps forward, 3 steps back

Adam has been doing pretty well lately. Some bumps in the road, but we're dealing with them. It has seemed like these meds were working. Tonight, he scared me, though. Sam came in after we went to bed and said that something bad was going on with Adam. He found Adam on the floor almost in tears and shaking. Adam tried to explain to Sam what he was feeling, and the only thing he could verbalize was a feeling that everything was "huge". I went in and talked to him a little, he told me the same thing, and that he was feeling anxiety, fear, and emptiness. Hm. So I did the first thing I always do: ask if he has taken his meds. Of course he hadn't. But he was really only a few hours late. Not sure why that would affect him like this...I do suspect that it was a combination of the narcotics he has been on for pain after getting his wisdom teeth removed on Wed., getting out of his normal routine during spring break, and some stress over giving a talk tomorrow. We'll have to chase down the reasons tomorrow, he's sleeping now.
When I felt sure that Adam would be ok for the night, I leaned down, kissed him on the head, and said, "If it gets overwhelming again, get Sam, or me, or Dad. We're your family, and we love you, and you don't have to go through this alone." He said, "Ok Mom. I feel better now."  We ARE his family, and we DO love him!  I have been laying in bed thinking about that. I had this picture come into my head of the six of us - me, Chad, Megan, Adam, Sam, and Sophie - sitting in a circle sometime in the pre-existence, discussing the requirement that our family be tested HARD. And trying to decide what and which one of us. And Adam stepping up and saying, "Ok, I'll take this on. But you guys have to be there to catch me." And we all agreed. And I felt an overwhelming feeling of respect and love for that very very brave boy. Mental illness is horrible. The brain chemistry is so delicate and if it isn't perfectly balanced, the personality changes can be confusing at best, terrifying and dangerous at worst. It is so hard to have warm fuzzy feelings for someone who is acting like a jerk half of the time.  Imagine how it must feel to have such overwhelming feelings and thoughts!  Who would volunteer for this?  But when it gets tough, I need to remind myself of that picture in my head of Adam bravely saying, "Ok, I'll take this on."  I know we'll all make it through this. We're Team Wright.  We love each other. We're all taking those steps forward and backward together. We have each others' backs. And we're not ever alone!

Hey, this isn't so bad!

So last post I wrote about enduring the first 6 months of this year.  And here I am in mid-March already!  So far, so good.  Really.  Things have improved a lot!

We switched Adam to a new psychiatrist.  We loved the old one but he became increasingly harder to reach - and he rarely called back.  It was so frustrating, especially when there was a problem at the pharmacy and we needed meds quick.  I can't tell you how many times Target pharmacy has given me "loaners" - just because the dr. wasn't answering their faxes or calls.  They are pretty great at that pharmacy and we are all on a first name basis.  That's kind of pathetic.
Anyway, this new psychiatrist was shocked at the meds and dosages that Adam was on.  He immediately started to decrease the anti-depressant and introduced him to another new mood stabilizer.  And that's when a miracle began.  The rage and anger and general J-A (yes, I am trying not to out and out cuss, Sophie has called me on it enough!) behavior has all but disappeared.  Adam is still a stinking teenage boy who can't help bugging his siblings, but at least now he isn't overwhelmingly angry all the time.  And destructive.  He is actually acting happy!  He is doing homework again…and caring about his grades and his relationships with his teachers and his peers.  He is participating in life again!  And it is so nice to be able to have him walk in the room without our guards instantly going up and avoiding him like the plague.  But, of course, life can't be that simple, can it.  So we have been dealing with some minor mania…Adam has started in with the pressured speaking (a lot more speaking than is necessary, which makes him seem like a know-it-all).  And he is spending money a little too freely.  Like, he donated $50 to a political campaign.  And he bought a testosterone supplement (total fraud) to build his muscles…"without working out".  This is not like Adam.  He has always been very good with his money, especially now that we are having him pay for his own gas and entertainment.  He also approached his choir teacher and volunteered to play the guitar for one of their competition songs for their big choir competition next Friday.  Adam hasn't picked up a guitar in over a year.  As soon as he got home from that, his face was pale as a sheet, and he said, "what did I just do?" Yeah, that's mania.  Thankfully we were able to talk him into going back to his teacher and un-volunteering, haha!
He gets obsessed easily.  And he is losing weight.  Some of these things are actually a huge improvement.  He gained so much weight over the past year so the weight loss is giving him a lot more self-confidence.  So overall, things have greatly improved…but I still wouldn't call him stable.  Its always a work in progress.  We are still planning on sending him to college this fall.  We still have about 5 months to get him stable.  Still fasting and praying.

As for my maintenance.  I am eating more calories every day.  It has been very weird to be able to eat more.  And it is an experiment every day to see what and how much I can eat.  Some days I have clearly eaten too much at a sitting, or the wrong thing, and I have experienced some really bad sickness.  My GI has a tendency to act up at any given time, especially when I am running!  I feel bad, but I have had to stop running with the friends I enjoy, just because I have to stop at every public restroom along the route!  It is embarrassing.  But I am learning more every day and the beauty of it is that along this path, I have not gained an ounce.  I am still maintaining 127 lbs.  Some days I weigh in and I can't believe I haven't gained anything because I know I ate too much the day before…thank goodness for MyFitnessPal!  I live by that app.  My kids think I am on my phone too much…but the thing is that I am constantly journaling my food intake, and I don't want to miss anything!  I guess that is probably what is keeping me on track.  I have gone to the dietician and she taught me all this crazy overwhelming information about food units and how many complex carbs/simple carbs/proteins/healthy fats/etc. that I should be eating.  I tried keeping track of that for two days and it took me so long to figure it all out that I just gave up.  I am just trying to keep my proteins up and get most of my carbs from fruit and veggies, and crossing my fingers that it is ok.  So far it is working. I am still shocked every time I look at myself in the mirror.  I can't believe this is me.  But it has started to feel like the new normal - meaning, I don't feel thin, I just feel like me.  But all my life, when I have felt this way, I was fat.  Hence the mirror shock.

The homeschooling is going better, but I am still not sure what I want to do next fall.  I am afraid that the kids aren't getting the level of education they need to be prepared for college, but I am also afraid to send them to public school.  Especially Sam.  High School is awful.  The language, topics of conversation, immodesty, etc.  So you see my dilemma!  Personally, it would revolutionize my life if I could have some alone time.  But I am trying not to be selfish about this.

Meg is happy, so that makes me happy.  I am so grateful that she is halfway done.  I have always thought that I am a lousy missionary mom because I miss her so bad and want the time to pass quickly. Guilt.  But I have talked to enough moms to find out that I am not abnormal.  My feelings are legit.  It has gotten easier the longer she has been gone, but I guess that also has to do with the fact that she is so much happier now.  So immersed in the culture and the language, and she gets to be a trainer (which is actually kind of rare with the palangi sisters).  Put Meg in charge and she will whip things into shape and feel great about doing it.  I love that kid.

So.  Go March!  April will go quickly because there are a lot of holidays and things to look forward to. May is the last month of school.  June, we'll be packing for the move.  July, we'll be moving.  August, we'll be decorating the new house and putting in a yard and delivering Adam to SUU.  September, my favorite time of the year will be starting (FALL!).  October, we will be able to decorate the new house for our first holiday there.  November, Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and MEG COMES HOME!!!  And the year could quit there and I would be super happy, but no, then there is Christmas and our trip to Fiji.  Bring it on!

Good Riddance, 2013! Hello, 2014!

I bet a lot of people feel that way about the past year, regardless of what year it is.  It is always more interesting to look forward to the unsullied and hopeful future than to brood on the past.  I made a lot of mistakes in 2013.  Plus it was just a really hard year.  I'm ready to move on.

But, there were a lot of things I learned in 2013 too.  So I'm grateful for them.  And many of the blessings that we'll receive in 2014 got their start in 2013.  So, there was a lot of good too.

But anyway.  2014.  In the interest of being positive even though 2014 did not start off well (Adam), here are the things I am looking forward to this year:

1) Adam graduates HS.
2) Our house should be completed in July/Aug, and we will be moving in.
3) Adam goes off to SUU.
4) MEG COMES HOME!!!
5) A trip to Fiji, maybe.
6) Sophie will be getting her ears pierced on her 10th Birthday (a rite of passage with the Wright girls).
7) Track season.
8) Soccer season.
9) Sam will be turning 14, dances?  Youth Conference?  Holy Cow.
10) I don't have to throw any birthday parties this year because last year was our party year.  I only throw birthday parties every other year.
11) I'll be a lot thinner this year.

Goals?
1) Maintenance. Will. Be. A. Beast.  My goal is to learn to conquer head hunger.
2) Save money for house/furniture.
3) Be a better homeschooler.
4) Strengthen testimony through scripture study.  Share it more.
5) Maintain a spirit of love and prayer in my home.  Don't let difficult situations force the Holy Ghost out.

If I can make it through the first half of the year, then the really great stuff will follow.  So I guess my 6th goal is endurance.

Here we go!

57 lbs healthier

Last summer I had gastric bypass surgery.  It was a very hard decision, but there were a number of factors that pushed me in that direction.  1) I was diagnosed pre-diabetic.  It runs in my family, and my blood sugar was nuts.  I even had to have insulin a few times, especially in the hospital after my surgery...for no good reason since I hadn't eaten anything in like two days.  My mama is diabetic and hates it so bad...she cried when I told her about the diagnosis.  2) Heart disease runs in my family.  Along with knee and hip deterioration and replacement.  3) I am so heartily sick and tired of the battle - up, down, up, down, then up up up.  It has been pretty much the roughest year of my life, and it showed.  I knew I needed to make some serious changes and I needed help.

I have hesitated to make this such public knowledge.  I have not been keeping it a secret (if you asked how I was losing so much weight, I would tell you).  But I also am not advertising it.  No poster child here.  And the reason for this is that a lot of people think that bariatric surgery is taking the easy way out.  There is a misconception out there that people who go this route are just not willing to diet and exercise.  That they are lazy.  Well, for someone who has fat genes, who has a food addiction, who has chronic injuries that keep them from being able to run like she wants to so badly (that would be me)...bariatric surgery is a tool to help make major lifestyle changes.  It is not a cop-out.  It is NOT (I repeat, NOT) easy!  So if you feel that way about me right now, you are clearly not a friend.  Sorry.  The biggest drawback that everyone has been mentioning to me is the GI tract issues.  But I have to assure you that people who have that problem are simply eating either too much, or the wrong foods.  If I eat healthy, I have NONE of those problems.
Here's what makes this so hard:  although my stomach is tiny right now due to the surgery, and I don't feel hungry that way very often, my "head hunger" is alive and roaring.  I have learned that for me, that head hunger is more powerful than any physical hunger.  So please imagine what Halloween was like for me.  My drug of choice is candy.  My back was spasming so badly that I couldn't even get out of bed, and I ended up in the ER for some kind of pain relief.  It took 3 shots of narcotic to even make a dent, and even so I passed out multiple times between the car and my bed.  And between my bed and the bathroom.  Childbirth was a breeze compared to this pain.  Adam was being a beast to the other kids, and I couldn't do anything about it.  And then the kids showed up with candy all over the house.  It felt like people were throwing it in my face.  Please try to imagine a meth addict who has to buy the drug to pass out to other people, and has it sitting around in bowls and pillowcases all over the house.  So that was bad.
Thanksgiving was even worse.  This holiday completely revolves around feasting.  Even after Thanksgiving dinner, there were the delicious leftovers, and pies sitting out on the counter.  Caramel corn.  Cookies.  Hot rolls.  That was really bad.
Now we start in with Christmas.  Making homemade desserts and treats to give to friends and loved ones.  Sigh.  Oh man, that head hunger is crying out.  Sorry folks, this year, its going to have to be store-bought.  I can't take all that baking.  Which is a shame, I am a good baker.

But, I am weathering the storms.  I am seeing a food therapist, going to a support group, keeping track of every bite that goes in my mouth, reading food labels, making every bit count, nutritionally.  Trying to convince myself that food is fuel.  And fuel only.  In about 4 more months I will start the maintenance phase of this journey, which will be even harder.  I will be able to eat more calories, but instead of being excited about that, I am terrified.  I know from experience, maintenance is a beast.

So, yeah, I have lost 57 lbs as of today.  It has been rapid weight loss but that keeps me motivated and frankly, after that surgery, I deserve it.  I expect to lose at least 25 lbs more, and then there is always a 10 lb bounce back.  At least, that is all I will ever allow myself.  I will probably be food journaling for the rest of my life.  And watching my protein!  And I am happy!  I am starting to feel thin.  People are starting to notice.  I am fitting into the lowest sizes I even own, so there will be a new wardrobe pretty soon.  But most of all, I am healthy.  I am healthy.

How can there be so many miracles amidst so much craziness?

So, we have had two big things that we've been working on in the past 3 months.  Finding a way to buy a house, and finding a way to help Adam move out when he turns 18.  We were already sure that he wouldn't be serving a mission at 18.  So what else was there?  College, or a job and a rented room somewhere because he is difficult to live with.  So college, but where?  I wasn't happy about BYU Idaho because it is SO BLOOMING FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE, and he didn't have the grades or the ACT score for BYU Provo.  I have been thinking about SUU in Cedar City, UT for awhile now - it felt so right for Adam.  Small, less stress, and best of all, super close to family.  They could definitely keep an eye on him for me!  BUT.  Being a non-Utah-resident, the tuition was TRIPLE that of Utah residents.  Yes, I said triple.  Chad kept telling me no way.  The BYU's are so affordable.  I just about gave up but there was a nagging desire that just wouldn't go away.  I started doing my homework about 2 months ago...found out that there were scholarships that could help with that cost.  So he applied.  And Adam got in and qualified for a great 4-year scholarship...which can be deferred for his mission.  It is so perfect that we seriously cannot question where this miracle came from.  On top of it, they have the major that Adam is interested in, Criminal Justice, and they have a forensics lab.  (He wants to be a police investigator.  Great job security and benefits.)  Last week we went on a campus tour while we were in New Harmony for Thanksgiving...it was so great.  Dorms where he can request LDS roommates.  Food plan.  But the most impressive thing was the Institute!  Adam was worried about being able to take a mission prep class at a non-lds school...not worried anymore!  The Institute was HUGE!  22 student wards.  An Institute concert choir.  By the time we left Cedar City, Adam had such a huge smile on his face.  Pretty much a no-brainer for him.  So now his future is all set.  One year at SUU, mission, then 3 more years at SUU, then a career in law enforcement.  

Oh, and did I say that he started a new med about three weeks ago and it is WORKING!  He's less depressed.  Guess what?  It is the same med I take for my epilepsy (just different dose) and I had been feeling that we should give it a try.  The dr. suggested it and we noticed a major change right away.  Now Adam just has a bad case of Senioritis, but that, I can deal with.

Now, the house.  Well, lets just say that this story is so full of twists and turns that if I explained them all here you would be dizzy.  Suffice it to say, we thought we were going to get one house & lot, then we were heartbroken when it sold, then we were trying to get excited about another one, then the people who bought the first lot dropped out (that we even found out about that is unbelievable), then we got it but had to have a final bank approval (which turned out to be super hard to get, due to new regulations and the sheer volume of paperwork!!!  I've never had to deal with such narrow parameters in my life)...we found out that we got it the day before Thanksgiving.  So now we get to move forward with having the home built with all our preferences in upgrades...its going to end up being a dream house.  Won't be done until next summer, but I don't care.  It is the coolest thing.  Probably it will be our forever house.  We prayed that if we were supposed to stay in Dos Vientos, we would find a way to buy a house...it was a CRAZY adventure, but here we are.  I was so happy to find this rental house and get moved in...that story is also full of miracles...but I'm ready to give up the rental life now.  

I'm telling you, every day I wake up wondering how we can be so blessed.  So so many blessings. It is amazing and I am humbled by the Lord's love and His involvement in our lives.  I don't know what I did to deserve so much.  Must be Megan's mission.