Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Stepping out of denial hurts!
First of all, I don't know who even reads this blog anymore but I am sorry for being such a complainer lately. My life is actually fantastic in many ways, and I acknowledge that! But there is heartbreak mixed in and today I just need to get this off my chest. Call it journal therapy. Sometimes it just helps to write something down. So you may want to click off of here, just fair warning. I have feelings that are all over the place. I'm trying to get them all gathered up and organized. Its going to be ugly.
Yesterday, I got a call from Elder Schweitzer of the Seventy, who is the head medical dude on the church's missionary committee. You may wonder how/why I was speaking to a General Authority! No, I did not call Salt Lake to try to pull strings or go over anybody's head. I don't believe in that.
Here's the background:
The YW secretary that I serve with is the daughter of Elder Evans of the Seventy, who is the head of the church's missionary committee. Like, if it concerns missionaries, he's the man. Anyway, he was visiting Lisa this weekend and spoke in church, and it was all very awesome to have a General Authority in our ward. I started to think…I have heard so many conflicting stories about bipolars serving missions…this would be The Guy To Ask…so I asked my friend if it would be a bother to him if I asked him about it. She said go for it. So I asked. He was so nice! He said that in general, the church doesn't let bipolars serve full time missions but since he doesn't know my son or his diagnosis, he can't speak to our situation. He asked if he could have this Elder Schweitzer call me to discuss it. So he took down my name and number and I said thank you and was a little star-struck. Fast forward two days, and I got the phone call. Elder Schweitzer asked a few questions about Adam, wanted to know what meds he is on and has he ever been hospitalized. (how could I tell him no, even though it was a stupid stunt that Adam pulled to get him out of trouble for something else? on the other hand, what sane person considers spending 3 days in a mental hospital a pleasant alternative to getting in trouble for something else? so, yeah.) So even though I have had such high hopes for so long, and been praying so hard for Adam to become healthy enough to serve a mission, I knew where the conversation was going. It was just so hard to hear. No full time mission for Adam, ever. They call it being honorably excused from the obligation of serving a mission.
So, no farewell, no open house, no plaque on the wall in the foyer, nobody bragging from the pulpit about him being such a great kid that has chosen to serve the Lord for two years in spite of all his challenges, no being able to tell people where he served his mission and how it was the hardest but the best two years of his life…even though he has had the goal of serving a mission his entire life, even though he is worthy, even though he wants to serve so bad. Even though. And if I am totally honest with myself, there is also a feeling of "well, take that, all you haters who bullied my son all of those years! now he is serving a faithful full time mission! he turned out ok!" But no. And people, being people, are going to wonder.
I totally understand why, I agree that it is safer to keep a bipolar where he can have ready access to his healthcare professionals. If Adam went totally manic, and was talking a million miles a minute, he couldn't represent the church very well. And heaven forbid him getting into that angry JA phase with a companion! And missions are hard and stressful for the healthiest of missionaries (look at Megan, for heaven's sake! cruddy companions, bedbugs, scabies, boils, depression, holy cow! she has wanted to come home early many times.). So I get it. There are no bitter feelings. But this is where I say that stepping out of denial hurts. Denial was hopeful and comfortable. Reality stinks. Truth is, Adam WON'T ever live a completely normal life. He just might end up living with us as an adult. There is no guarantee of him completing college, finding a job, and having a happy family life. We HOPE he can, but hope isn't really enough. My sister said to me, "Come on, you HAD to know that Adam probably wouldn't be serving a full time mission." No, I didn't know. That's denial for you. Everybody else did. I kind of feel like an idiot.
Yes, there are other ways for Adam to serve. Elder Schweitzer recommended that we meet with our Stake President and have him start looking for alternative opportunities and have the call be as a stake missionary. Chad and I fully intend to do that. I am sure Adam still wants to serve, but it won't be the same. Who knows. We haven't told Adam yet. Maybe it will be a relief to him. I hope he doesn't lose his motivation. Serving a mission has been a goal for so long that if we take that away, I don't know what will happen. So, we'll see about that.
I am still working through this. I know that a lot of my feelings and the grieving is probably stupid and I know that Chad is already ready for me to be past this. But I am just really sad. There was one Sunday, a Ward Conference years ago when Adam was about 13. They asked all the parents of full time missionaries to stand up to be recognized. I got a little choked up, thinking about having at least two missionaries someday, and Adam saw me. He leaned over and said to me, "Don't worry mom, I'll make sure you get to stand up like that someday. I promise!" Then I really got choked up. I have never forgotten that. Through all of the crap that kid has put me through, I never forgot that. And now I have to.
Ok, and that brings up something else. All that glorification of full-time missionaries. That's painful (which is REALLY weird, since I HAVE one!). I was already feeling kind of funny every time the bishop would get up and brag on the 18 year old missionaries, since at that time, I thought Adam would be going when he was 19. It is like, the younger a boy goes, the more faithful he must be. I can't be the only mom that was feeling funny about that. And now its going to be even worse. I totally understand how an infertile woman feels. Pregancy and children are joyful! You can't find anything negative about someone having a baby! Wonderful and exciting, but for an infertile woman, so painful. Same thing with mission calls. Wonderful and exciting for the missionary and his family! But hard for someone who can't have that. I'm not wanting to take that joy away from the missionaries and their families. I feel joy for them! Its just hard when Adam can't ever have that.
Its hard to be a member of this church when you don't fit the mold. And I'll tell you one thing, I sure have learned tons about not being judgmental and having compassion for others!!!!! Nothing like not fitting the mold to humble the heck out of you! The funny thing is that I know that NOBODY can live up to that mormon ideal, everybody has some kind of dysfunction in their family, and yet there is so much judging that goes on. I wish I could put a sign on all of our backs that says, "Yes, my son/brother is not going to be serving a full time mission. No, it has nothing to do with worthiness! He is a good boy! He is just ill. So quit judging!"
All of this makes me miss Megan so much more. I have to keep reminding myself that I do have a full-time missionary! I did get that joy and excitement of opening the call with Pres. Monson's signature at the bottom, the farewell and open house and MTC and watching her learn a new language and adjust to a new culture. I will get to meet her at the airport with balloons and signs and hugs and tears and laughter. I have experienced the bittersweet feelings particular to a missionary mom. I am a member of that club. So here is another way that girl is comforting me. SO thankful for my Meg!
So what now? Well, Adam had an appt. with his psychiatrist yesterday, no med changes. Clean bill of health for heading off to college in August. Dr. said to Adam,"Ok, I am pleased with you. You are mature about managing this illness and it shows. Your meds are balanced nicely. Don't let anybody convince you to go off your meds under any circumstances, and there isn't anything you can't do." Well, there is one thing. But overall, that was a great thing to hear. So SUU, here he comes! Oh, please let him get through this first semester ok. Please please please…
This please please please 'ing is going to be a part of my life until I die. Ever hear of the 7 stages of grief?
1. SHOCK & DENIAL- check
2. PAIN & GUILT- check
3. ANGER & BARGAINING- check
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- check
5. THE UPWARD TURN- nope
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- nope
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- nope
I've got some work to do before I can get to stage 7. I think I need to just lower my expectations and be happy for whatever he does that is normal. Man that stinks.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Isn't it over yet?
Holy wow, I am sick of school! This has been a tough homeschooling semester for all of us, and I am about used up. And I am so tired of worrying about Adam making it to graduation…I can't wait for June 13!!! He'll graduate just fine, he is getting B's in all of his classes, but having him graduate will be a huge accomplishment for all of us! Truly an occasion to celebrate.
Anyway, because of my pushing, Sam is done with two of his subjects already and almost done with the other two. Sophie is done with two too. But she is behind in math, so we will probably have to work on that through the summer. Their official last day of school is May 29th…but if they finish before then, we're starting summer the very next day!
I decided to send Sam to public high school next fall. He hasn't been learning as well with these online classes, he is bored and gets sidetracked so easily. No focus. And his education is so important to us! And while I am super concerned about the atmosphere at NPHS, and the indoctrination that he will probably face, I think that Sam can make it ok. It all depends on who he makes friends with, and I have that covered too! I took him to try out for the school choir. And he made it! This is a program that Adam has participated in for the past year, and it is top-notch. The choir director is phenomenal. The choir wins awards every year. And there are a lot of LDS kids in choir. So I think it will be a great place for Sam to make friends. It was for social reasons that I started homeschooling him in the first place, and he has a lot more confidence now. I feel really good about it, which is funny, because if you had asked me 3 months ago, I would have said an emphatic NO WAY to public high school. I have come full circle, but not because I am sick of homeschooling or sick of Sam! I have fasted and prayed for months about this. I looked into every single other option I could find - classes at the local junior college, private school, group homeschool classes…didn't feel good about any of them. Just a stupor of thought at every turn. I started thinking about being in the world but not of it…and hearing stories about kids who were super sheltered by their parents and as soon as they left home they went nuts and didn't know how to make it in the real world. And I thought about Meg and when she really gained her strong testimony was during Prop 8, when she had to face so much opposition at school and stick up for her beliefs. Then Sister Reed spoke in General Conference about pornography and she emphasized that the best way to battle it is for our youth to have strong testimonies. And then I went to the temple, praying about it, and all I kept hearing was Eve talking about it being better to have opposition, good and bad, etc. I then realized that the most important thing for Sam is to have a strong testimony in spite of the opposition and temptation he will be facing. Long story short, Sam is going to have a summer of intense preparation for the evils of public high school! Testimony boot camp, if you will! He is a good boy without rebellion or guile. He will be fine. I feel good about it, and so does he.
Sophie still wants to be homeschooled, but I think that will be fine because she is young enough that I still understand her homework! I can continue teaching her. But I'm looking forward to the break, and I know they are too!
May 29th is also Meg's one year mark. I am so happy to be here! Most people will say that it went so fast! I don't feel that way…but that's ok. I'm just thankful to only have 6 months left until she gets home. I'm telling you. I can't wait to get to know the new Meg, because I know she has learned so much on her mission! And man, Christmas this year is going to be so special! Meg home from Fiji, Adam home from college, the family all together again in a new home. I am looking forward to it and hoping it will end up living up to my expectations, haha!
9 more days. 9 more long days.
Anyway, because of my pushing, Sam is done with two of his subjects already and almost done with the other two. Sophie is done with two too. But she is behind in math, so we will probably have to work on that through the summer. Their official last day of school is May 29th…but if they finish before then, we're starting summer the very next day!
I decided to send Sam to public high school next fall. He hasn't been learning as well with these online classes, he is bored and gets sidetracked so easily. No focus. And his education is so important to us! And while I am super concerned about the atmosphere at NPHS, and the indoctrination that he will probably face, I think that Sam can make it ok. It all depends on who he makes friends with, and I have that covered too! I took him to try out for the school choir. And he made it! This is a program that Adam has participated in for the past year, and it is top-notch. The choir director is phenomenal. The choir wins awards every year. And there are a lot of LDS kids in choir. So I think it will be a great place for Sam to make friends. It was for social reasons that I started homeschooling him in the first place, and he has a lot more confidence now. I feel really good about it, which is funny, because if you had asked me 3 months ago, I would have said an emphatic NO WAY to public high school. I have come full circle, but not because I am sick of homeschooling or sick of Sam! I have fasted and prayed for months about this. I looked into every single other option I could find - classes at the local junior college, private school, group homeschool classes…didn't feel good about any of them. Just a stupor of thought at every turn. I started thinking about being in the world but not of it…and hearing stories about kids who were super sheltered by their parents and as soon as they left home they went nuts and didn't know how to make it in the real world. And I thought about Meg and when she really gained her strong testimony was during Prop 8, when she had to face so much opposition at school and stick up for her beliefs. Then Sister Reed spoke in General Conference about pornography and she emphasized that the best way to battle it is for our youth to have strong testimonies. And then I went to the temple, praying about it, and all I kept hearing was Eve talking about it being better to have opposition, good and bad, etc. I then realized that the most important thing for Sam is to have a strong testimony in spite of the opposition and temptation he will be facing. Long story short, Sam is going to have a summer of intense preparation for the evils of public high school! Testimony boot camp, if you will! He is a good boy without rebellion or guile. He will be fine. I feel good about it, and so does he.
Sophie still wants to be homeschooled, but I think that will be fine because she is young enough that I still understand her homework! I can continue teaching her. But I'm looking forward to the break, and I know they are too!
May 29th is also Meg's one year mark. I am so happy to be here! Most people will say that it went so fast! I don't feel that way…but that's ok. I'm just thankful to only have 6 months left until she gets home. I'm telling you. I can't wait to get to know the new Meg, because I know she has learned so much on her mission! And man, Christmas this year is going to be so special! Meg home from Fiji, Adam home from college, the family all together again in a new home. I am looking forward to it and hoping it will end up living up to my expectations, haha!
9 more days. 9 more long days.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Mother's day
This was a fabulous weekend! I knew it would start off well because I would get to talk to my missionary. But I was a little worried about the day of. Mother's day last year was kind of emotional and not all of it happy. Megan gave her farewell talk in church that day, which was wonderful and sweet and she said all kinds of great things about me which made me feel Mother's guilt because I'm positive I'm not THAT good of a mom! But I was so proud of her. My in-laws were here for Meg's talk, and so that made the day special too. But Adam. He was awful. One of the hardest things about being around bipolar peeps is that it is so easy to base our feelings on the way they are acting or feeling. They can sometimes say and do things that are so hurtful, yet they will argue until the day is done that they were perfectly justified in doing it. It is hard to walk away from that. I think that has been our hardest challenge, especially for Chad. He takes it personally every time! Which is easy to do. But it doesn't help anyone! So much easier (and healthier, really) to just chalk it up to a bipolar episode and walk away. As sad as it is to say this, when Adam is like that, it is better to ignore him than to get into it with him. There is no disciplining it out of him. Its just the nature of the illness. Ugh.
Anyway! Adam was a totally different kid yesterday! He was super nice to me! Gave me a couple of hugs and said that one of the reasons that he loves me is because I have taught him the Gospel! (tears) He cleaned up after dinner without complaining too much! He was nice to his siblings! There was a moment in church, when I looked up and saw both of my sons exercising their Priesthood, and Adam smiled at me from the sacrament table, and I started to cry (more tears). I was just so overwhelmed by a feeling of gratitude! So blessed! I got to talk to my beloved daughter for 4 hours!!! She was not homesick! There were no tears when it came time to say goodbye, because we got plenty of time together, and she was in a hurry to get ready for church, and to pick up a promising investigator. It was a wonderful Mother's day call. I love that kid so much and she truly is one of my besties. Chad made me breakfast in bed and gave me earrings, and told me a million times that he loves me! Man, he treats me so well. And Sam and Sophie are so loving and sweet to me. Sophie made me a super cute card and about 25 little doo-dads that she made on her Rainbow Loom. I really felt loved all day long. And I felt no Mother's guilt, because I earned this mother's day fair and square this year…at least with one of my kids! Oh, it could not have been a better day. THANK YOU, Chad, Megan, Adam, Sam, and Sophie! And the dogs. (Rico was glued to me all day and also snuggled up on my chest for an hour. No he does not always do that. Sometimes I think that dog is part human.)
I am so thankful to be a woman. A wife and a mother. A daughter and a sister. I am so thankful that the Lord blessed me with 4 wonderful children who I love more than my life! They are all different and sometimes horrible, but they are all worth it! Every single minute of them. And a loving husband who spoils me. And other mothers who set examples for me and support me. Who listen when I need to vent and don't judge me when I am about to lose it. I love my life and the people in it!
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Time is draaaaaggggggiiiiinnnngggg on…and I am in a funk
Last week was one of the longest weeks I've lived through to date. Maybe the last week of pregnancy was slower, but this was pretty bad. It was spring break and we didn't go anywhere or really do anything at all. The kids had dental appointments and Adam got his wisdom teeth out. We had some Germans staying with us for 5 nights (a sister missionary who served here brought her two siblings to take a tour of her mission, they were gone pretty much every day. Not hard company, and actually quite entertaining!). Chad even took off two days and we still didn't really do anything or go anywhere. I got a bad case of the blahs. Sometimes a stay cation is good…but we haven't been on a vacation since Thanksgiving, and before that, since we took Meg to the MTC last May, which wasn't really a vacation. I have missed going on vacation, especially our annual summer trip to Lake Nacimiento. Which is not very annual anymore, we have missed it for two summers in a row, plus we sold the boat!
Life just keeps getting in the way. But when we are out of our normal routine, with extra time on our hands, it is just boring. I ate too much, didn't run enough, and although I haven't gained any weight (which I still can't figure out. How have I not gained any weight?!), I feel yucky.
Plus, and this one is probably the biggest culprit of my crankiness, with the additional time on our hands, Chad and I have been sneaking into the new house, often. They are just about done with the outside now, and so all the work is being done on the inside. They have started locking the doors, but Chad takes a screwdriver and breaks in. They are in the middle of staining all our wood trim - bannisters, fireplace mantles, etc. And painting, installing baseboards, and getting ready for tile and granite. It is looking real! And beautiful, I love it! AND I WANT IT DONE NOW!!! I want to get moved! This has been such an exciting and long process, we've been dreaming about this house for over a year now, and my impatience is breaking through in a big way! I finally told Chad that I couldn't go to the house anymore. It just makes me feel antsy and impatient. Maybe just once every other week. And I want to start packing already! Chad keeps wanting to go furniture shopping. This makes me nervous - how do I know what colors and sizes of furniture to buy when we aren't even living in the house yet?! We have bought two new bedroom sets (both were on final clearance, hence the early purchase), and one sits in the garage. Clearly he is getting impatient too! I told him no more furniture shopping until at least 4 weeks before move-in - we can't store anything else here or we will look like a furniture store!
Also, I am frustrated with Meg. She is being a great missionary, loving the people and learning the language. She had her 5th baptism in March. She is doing fantastic! But she never answers our letters. Never. She writes great long letters for her blog, but never answers our specific letters. I have sent her 4 packages in the past month (it was her birthday, and I never send one big package for fear it will get held up in customs and undelivered for some reason), and she hasn't commented on a single one of them except to say that she got them. I know how much time and effort and money goes into those packages…I see on other missionaries' blogs, pictures of the missionary with the contents of the package, and commentary on what items were inside. Meg doesn't do that. Its so annoying. I have been asking her for MONTHS to let me know about the packages, and last week, I asked her 4 TIMES in the same letter (!!!) to respond about the packages. Still nothing. I swear, it is like she is doing it on purpose. And I ask her other questions in my letters to her, she never answers them. I don't know how else to express it without writing her a scorcher of a letter…and I really don't want to do that. Maybe I should just give up. I should probably just give up. There were a few times when she was up at BYU that she ignored my phone calls and texts for about a week, it made me feel crappy, and Chad actually sent her a stern text about answering me. She was just totally wrapped up in her life and kept forgetting to respond. So I guess being wrapped up in her mission life is a good thing and I shouldn't complain. Yep, I'm going to give up. And to the family members who have gone to such effort and spent so much money on shipping: I hope you are getting a better response than I am! If not, I am sorry! But as her mother, I thank you with all of my heart for thinking of her and loving her and going out of your way to make her feel special and loved. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
The Germans left this morning, Adam went back to seminary and school, and I am determined to get out and exercise. Life can't help but get better, right? As I always tell my kids when they are going nuts with waiting for birthdays and Christmas…get busy! Time always flies by when we're busy. Ok, starting the laundry.
Life just keeps getting in the way. But when we are out of our normal routine, with extra time on our hands, it is just boring. I ate too much, didn't run enough, and although I haven't gained any weight (which I still can't figure out. How have I not gained any weight?!), I feel yucky.
Plus, and this one is probably the biggest culprit of my crankiness, with the additional time on our hands, Chad and I have been sneaking into the new house, often. They are just about done with the outside now, and so all the work is being done on the inside. They have started locking the doors, but Chad takes a screwdriver and breaks in. They are in the middle of staining all our wood trim - bannisters, fireplace mantles, etc. And painting, installing baseboards, and getting ready for tile and granite. It is looking real! And beautiful, I love it! AND I WANT IT DONE NOW!!! I want to get moved! This has been such an exciting and long process, we've been dreaming about this house for over a year now, and my impatience is breaking through in a big way! I finally told Chad that I couldn't go to the house anymore. It just makes me feel antsy and impatient. Maybe just once every other week. And I want to start packing already! Chad keeps wanting to go furniture shopping. This makes me nervous - how do I know what colors and sizes of furniture to buy when we aren't even living in the house yet?! We have bought two new bedroom sets (both were on final clearance, hence the early purchase), and one sits in the garage. Clearly he is getting impatient too! I told him no more furniture shopping until at least 4 weeks before move-in - we can't store anything else here or we will look like a furniture store!
Also, I am frustrated with Meg. She is being a great missionary, loving the people and learning the language. She had her 5th baptism in March. She is doing fantastic! But she never answers our letters. Never. She writes great long letters for her blog, but never answers our specific letters. I have sent her 4 packages in the past month (it was her birthday, and I never send one big package for fear it will get held up in customs and undelivered for some reason), and she hasn't commented on a single one of them except to say that she got them. I know how much time and effort and money goes into those packages…I see on other missionaries' blogs, pictures of the missionary with the contents of the package, and commentary on what items were inside. Meg doesn't do that. Its so annoying. I have been asking her for MONTHS to let me know about the packages, and last week, I asked her 4 TIMES in the same letter (!!!) to respond about the packages. Still nothing. I swear, it is like she is doing it on purpose. And I ask her other questions in my letters to her, she never answers them. I don't know how else to express it without writing her a scorcher of a letter…and I really don't want to do that. Maybe I should just give up. I should probably just give up. There were a few times when she was up at BYU that she ignored my phone calls and texts for about a week, it made me feel crappy, and Chad actually sent her a stern text about answering me. She was just totally wrapped up in her life and kept forgetting to respond. So I guess being wrapped up in her mission life is a good thing and I shouldn't complain. Yep, I'm going to give up. And to the family members who have gone to such effort and spent so much money on shipping: I hope you are getting a better response than I am! If not, I am sorry! But as her mother, I thank you with all of my heart for thinking of her and loving her and going out of your way to make her feel special and loved. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
The Germans left this morning, Adam went back to seminary and school, and I am determined to get out and exercise. Life can't help but get better, right? As I always tell my kids when they are going nuts with waiting for birthdays and Christmas…get busy! Time always flies by when we're busy. Ok, starting the laundry.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
2 steps forward, 3 steps back
Adam has been doing pretty well lately. Some bumps in the road, but we're dealing with them. It has seemed like these meds were working. Tonight, he scared me, though. Sam came in after we went to bed and said that something bad was going on with Adam. He found Adam on the floor almost in tears and shaking. Adam tried to explain to Sam what he was feeling, and the only thing he could verbalize was a feeling that everything was "huge". I went in and talked to him a little, he told me the same thing, and that he was feeling anxiety, fear, and emptiness. Hm. So I did the first thing I always do: ask if he has taken his meds. Of course he hadn't. But he was really only a few hours late. Not sure why that would affect him like this...I do suspect that it was a combination of the narcotics he has been on for pain after getting his wisdom teeth removed on Wed., getting out of his normal routine during spring break, and some stress over giving a talk tomorrow. We'll have to chase down the reasons tomorrow, he's sleeping now.
When I felt sure that Adam would be ok for the night, I leaned down, kissed him on the head, and said, "If it gets overwhelming again, get Sam, or me, or Dad. We're your family, and we love you, and you don't have to go through this alone." He said, "Ok Mom. I feel better now." We ARE his family, and we DO love him! I have been laying in bed thinking about that. I had this picture come into my head of the six of us - me, Chad, Megan, Adam, Sam, and Sophie - sitting in a circle sometime in the pre-existence, discussing the requirement that our family be tested HARD. And trying to decide what and which one of us. And Adam stepping up and saying, "Ok, I'll take this on. But you guys have to be there to catch me." And we all agreed. And I felt an overwhelming feeling of respect and love for that very very brave boy. Mental illness is horrible. The brain chemistry is so delicate and if it isn't perfectly balanced, the personality changes can be confusing at best, terrifying and dangerous at worst. It is so hard to have warm fuzzy feelings for someone who is acting like a jerk half of the time. Imagine how it must feel to have such overwhelming feelings and thoughts! Who would volunteer for this? But when it gets tough, I need to remind myself of that picture in my head of Adam bravely saying, "Ok, I'll take this on." I know we'll all make it through this. We're Team Wright. We love each other. We're all taking those steps forward and backward together. We have each others' backs. And we're not ever alone!
When I felt sure that Adam would be ok for the night, I leaned down, kissed him on the head, and said, "If it gets overwhelming again, get Sam, or me, or Dad. We're your family, and we love you, and you don't have to go through this alone." He said, "Ok Mom. I feel better now." We ARE his family, and we DO love him! I have been laying in bed thinking about that. I had this picture come into my head of the six of us - me, Chad, Megan, Adam, Sam, and Sophie - sitting in a circle sometime in the pre-existence, discussing the requirement that our family be tested HARD. And trying to decide what and which one of us. And Adam stepping up and saying, "Ok, I'll take this on. But you guys have to be there to catch me." And we all agreed. And I felt an overwhelming feeling of respect and love for that very very brave boy. Mental illness is horrible. The brain chemistry is so delicate and if it isn't perfectly balanced, the personality changes can be confusing at best, terrifying and dangerous at worst. It is so hard to have warm fuzzy feelings for someone who is acting like a jerk half of the time. Imagine how it must feel to have such overwhelming feelings and thoughts! Who would volunteer for this? But when it gets tough, I need to remind myself of that picture in my head of Adam bravely saying, "Ok, I'll take this on." I know we'll all make it through this. We're Team Wright. We love each other. We're all taking those steps forward and backward together. We have each others' backs. And we're not ever alone!
Friday, March 14, 2014
Hey, this isn't so bad!
So last post I wrote about enduring the first 6 months of this year. And here I am in mid-March already! So far, so good. Really. Things have improved a lot!
We switched Adam to a new psychiatrist. We loved the old one but he became increasingly harder to reach - and he rarely called back. It was so frustrating, especially when there was a problem at the pharmacy and we needed meds quick. I can't tell you how many times Target pharmacy has given me "loaners" - just because the dr. wasn't answering their faxes or calls. They are pretty great at that pharmacy and we are all on a first name basis. That's kind of pathetic.
Anyway, this new psychiatrist was shocked at the meds and dosages that Adam was on. He immediately started to decrease the anti-depressant and introduced him to another new mood stabilizer. And that's when a miracle began. The rage and anger and general J-A (yes, I am trying not to out and out cuss, Sophie has called me on it enough!) behavior has all but disappeared. Adam is still a stinking teenage boy who can't help bugging his siblings, but at least now he isn't overwhelmingly angry all the time. And destructive. He is actually acting happy! He is doing homework again…and caring about his grades and his relationships with his teachers and his peers. He is participating in life again! And it is so nice to be able to have him walk in the room without our guards instantly going up and avoiding him like the plague. But, of course, life can't be that simple, can it. So we have been dealing with some minor mania…Adam has started in with the pressured speaking (a lot more speaking than is necessary, which makes him seem like a know-it-all). And he is spending money a little too freely. Like, he donated $50 to a political campaign. And he bought a testosterone supplement (total fraud) to build his muscles…"without working out". This is not like Adam. He has always been very good with his money, especially now that we are having him pay for his own gas and entertainment. He also approached his choir teacher and volunteered to play the guitar for one of their competition songs for their big choir competition next Friday. Adam hasn't picked up a guitar in over a year. As soon as he got home from that, his face was pale as a sheet, and he said, "what did I just do?" Yeah, that's mania. Thankfully we were able to talk him into going back to his teacher and un-volunteering, haha!
He gets obsessed easily. And he is losing weight. Some of these things are actually a huge improvement. He gained so much weight over the past year so the weight loss is giving him a lot more self-confidence. So overall, things have greatly improved…but I still wouldn't call him stable. Its always a work in progress. We are still planning on sending him to college this fall. We still have about 5 months to get him stable. Still fasting and praying.
As for my maintenance. I am eating more calories every day. It has been very weird to be able to eat more. And it is an experiment every day to see what and how much I can eat. Some days I have clearly eaten too much at a sitting, or the wrong thing, and I have experienced some really bad sickness. My GI has a tendency to act up at any given time, especially when I am running! I feel bad, but I have had to stop running with the friends I enjoy, just because I have to stop at every public restroom along the route! It is embarrassing. But I am learning more every day and the beauty of it is that along this path, I have not gained an ounce. I am still maintaining 127 lbs. Some days I weigh in and I can't believe I haven't gained anything because I know I ate too much the day before…thank goodness for MyFitnessPal! I live by that app. My kids think I am on my phone too much…but the thing is that I am constantly journaling my food intake, and I don't want to miss anything! I guess that is probably what is keeping me on track. I have gone to the dietician and she taught me all this crazy overwhelming information about food units and how many complex carbs/simple carbs/proteins/healthy fats/etc. that I should be eating. I tried keeping track of that for two days and it took me so long to figure it all out that I just gave up. I am just trying to keep my proteins up and get most of my carbs from fruit and veggies, and crossing my fingers that it is ok. So far it is working. I am still shocked every time I look at myself in the mirror. I can't believe this is me. But it has started to feel like the new normal - meaning, I don't feel thin, I just feel like me. But all my life, when I have felt this way, I was fat. Hence the mirror shock.
The homeschooling is going better, but I am still not sure what I want to do next fall. I am afraid that the kids aren't getting the level of education they need to be prepared for college, but I am also afraid to send them to public school. Especially Sam. High School is awful. The language, topics of conversation, immodesty, etc. So you see my dilemma! Personally, it would revolutionize my life if I could have some alone time. But I am trying not to be selfish about this.
Meg is happy, so that makes me happy. I am so grateful that she is halfway done. I have always thought that I am a lousy missionary mom because I miss her so bad and want the time to pass quickly. Guilt. But I have talked to enough moms to find out that I am not abnormal. My feelings are legit. It has gotten easier the longer she has been gone, but I guess that also has to do with the fact that she is so much happier now. So immersed in the culture and the language, and she gets to be a trainer (which is actually kind of rare with the palangi sisters). Put Meg in charge and she will whip things into shape and feel great about doing it. I love that kid.
So. Go March! April will go quickly because there are a lot of holidays and things to look forward to. May is the last month of school. June, we'll be packing for the move. July, we'll be moving. August, we'll be decorating the new house and putting in a yard and delivering Adam to SUU. September, my favorite time of the year will be starting (FALL!). October, we will be able to decorate the new house for our first holiday there. November, Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and MEG COMES HOME!!! And the year could quit there and I would be super happy, but no, then there is Christmas and our trip to Fiji. Bring it on!
We switched Adam to a new psychiatrist. We loved the old one but he became increasingly harder to reach - and he rarely called back. It was so frustrating, especially when there was a problem at the pharmacy and we needed meds quick. I can't tell you how many times Target pharmacy has given me "loaners" - just because the dr. wasn't answering their faxes or calls. They are pretty great at that pharmacy and we are all on a first name basis. That's kind of pathetic.
Anyway, this new psychiatrist was shocked at the meds and dosages that Adam was on. He immediately started to decrease the anti-depressant and introduced him to another new mood stabilizer. And that's when a miracle began. The rage and anger and general J-A (yes, I am trying not to out and out cuss, Sophie has called me on it enough!) behavior has all but disappeared. Adam is still a stinking teenage boy who can't help bugging his siblings, but at least now he isn't overwhelmingly angry all the time. And destructive. He is actually acting happy! He is doing homework again…and caring about his grades and his relationships with his teachers and his peers. He is participating in life again! And it is so nice to be able to have him walk in the room without our guards instantly going up and avoiding him like the plague. But, of course, life can't be that simple, can it. So we have been dealing with some minor mania…Adam has started in with the pressured speaking (a lot more speaking than is necessary, which makes him seem like a know-it-all). And he is spending money a little too freely. Like, he donated $50 to a political campaign. And he bought a testosterone supplement (total fraud) to build his muscles…"without working out". This is not like Adam. He has always been very good with his money, especially now that we are having him pay for his own gas and entertainment. He also approached his choir teacher and volunteered to play the guitar for one of their competition songs for their big choir competition next Friday. Adam hasn't picked up a guitar in over a year. As soon as he got home from that, his face was pale as a sheet, and he said, "what did I just do?" Yeah, that's mania. Thankfully we were able to talk him into going back to his teacher and un-volunteering, haha!
He gets obsessed easily. And he is losing weight. Some of these things are actually a huge improvement. He gained so much weight over the past year so the weight loss is giving him a lot more self-confidence. So overall, things have greatly improved…but I still wouldn't call him stable. Its always a work in progress. We are still planning on sending him to college this fall. We still have about 5 months to get him stable. Still fasting and praying.
As for my maintenance. I am eating more calories every day. It has been very weird to be able to eat more. And it is an experiment every day to see what and how much I can eat. Some days I have clearly eaten too much at a sitting, or the wrong thing, and I have experienced some really bad sickness. My GI has a tendency to act up at any given time, especially when I am running! I feel bad, but I have had to stop running with the friends I enjoy, just because I have to stop at every public restroom along the route! It is embarrassing. But I am learning more every day and the beauty of it is that along this path, I have not gained an ounce. I am still maintaining 127 lbs. Some days I weigh in and I can't believe I haven't gained anything because I know I ate too much the day before…thank goodness for MyFitnessPal! I live by that app. My kids think I am on my phone too much…but the thing is that I am constantly journaling my food intake, and I don't want to miss anything! I guess that is probably what is keeping me on track. I have gone to the dietician and she taught me all this crazy overwhelming information about food units and how many complex carbs/simple carbs/proteins/healthy fats/etc. that I should be eating. I tried keeping track of that for two days and it took me so long to figure it all out that I just gave up. I am just trying to keep my proteins up and get most of my carbs from fruit and veggies, and crossing my fingers that it is ok. So far it is working. I am still shocked every time I look at myself in the mirror. I can't believe this is me. But it has started to feel like the new normal - meaning, I don't feel thin, I just feel like me. But all my life, when I have felt this way, I was fat. Hence the mirror shock.
The homeschooling is going better, but I am still not sure what I want to do next fall. I am afraid that the kids aren't getting the level of education they need to be prepared for college, but I am also afraid to send them to public school. Especially Sam. High School is awful. The language, topics of conversation, immodesty, etc. So you see my dilemma! Personally, it would revolutionize my life if I could have some alone time. But I am trying not to be selfish about this.
Meg is happy, so that makes me happy. I am so grateful that she is halfway done. I have always thought that I am a lousy missionary mom because I miss her so bad and want the time to pass quickly. Guilt. But I have talked to enough moms to find out that I am not abnormal. My feelings are legit. It has gotten easier the longer she has been gone, but I guess that also has to do with the fact that she is so much happier now. So immersed in the culture and the language, and she gets to be a trainer (which is actually kind of rare with the palangi sisters). Put Meg in charge and she will whip things into shape and feel great about doing it. I love that kid.
So. Go March! April will go quickly because there are a lot of holidays and things to look forward to. May is the last month of school. June, we'll be packing for the move. July, we'll be moving. August, we'll be decorating the new house and putting in a yard and delivering Adam to SUU. September, my favorite time of the year will be starting (FALL!). October, we will be able to decorate the new house for our first holiday there. November, Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and MEG COMES HOME!!! And the year could quit there and I would be super happy, but no, then there is Christmas and our trip to Fiji. Bring it on!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Good Riddance, 2013! Hello, 2014!
I bet a lot of people feel that way about the past year, regardless of what year it is. It is always more interesting to look forward to the unsullied and hopeful future than to brood on the past. I made a lot of mistakes in 2013. Plus it was just a really hard year. I'm ready to move on.
But, there were a lot of things I learned in 2013 too. So I'm grateful for them. And many of the blessings that we'll receive in 2014 got their start in 2013. So, there was a lot of good too.
But anyway. 2014. In the interest of being positive even though 2014 did not start off well (Adam), here are the things I am looking forward to this year:
1) Adam graduates HS.
2) Our house should be completed in July/Aug, and we will be moving in.
3) Adam goes off to SUU.
4) MEG COMES HOME!!!
5) A trip to Fiji, maybe.
6) Sophie will be getting her ears pierced on her 10th Birthday (a rite of passage with the Wright girls).
7) Track season.
8) Soccer season.
9) Sam will be turning 14, dances? Youth Conference? Holy Cow.
10) I don't have to throw any birthday parties this year because last year was our party year. I only throw birthday parties every other year.
11) I'll be a lot thinner this year.
Goals?
1) Maintenance. Will. Be. A. Beast. My goal is to learn to conquer head hunger.
2) Save money for house/furniture.
3) Be a better homeschooler.
4) Strengthen testimony through scripture study. Share it more.
5) Maintain a spirit of love and prayer in my home. Don't let difficult situations force the Holy Ghost out.
If I can make it through the first half of the year, then the really great stuff will follow. So I guess my 6th goal is endurance.
Here we go!
But, there were a lot of things I learned in 2013 too. So I'm grateful for them. And many of the blessings that we'll receive in 2014 got their start in 2013. So, there was a lot of good too.
But anyway. 2014. In the interest of being positive even though 2014 did not start off well (Adam), here are the things I am looking forward to this year:
1) Adam graduates HS.
2) Our house should be completed in July/Aug, and we will be moving in.
3) Adam goes off to SUU.
4) MEG COMES HOME!!!
5) A trip to Fiji, maybe.
6) Sophie will be getting her ears pierced on her 10th Birthday (a rite of passage with the Wright girls).
7) Track season.
8) Soccer season.
9) Sam will be turning 14, dances? Youth Conference? Holy Cow.
10) I don't have to throw any birthday parties this year because last year was our party year. I only throw birthday parties every other year.
11) I'll be a lot thinner this year.
Goals?
1) Maintenance. Will. Be. A. Beast. My goal is to learn to conquer head hunger.
2) Save money for house/furniture.
3) Be a better homeschooler.
4) Strengthen testimony through scripture study. Share it more.
5) Maintain a spirit of love and prayer in my home. Don't let difficult situations force the Holy Ghost out.
If I can make it through the first half of the year, then the really great stuff will follow. So I guess my 6th goal is endurance.
Here we go!
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