Tender Mercies and Miracles

Last Thursday at about 7:30am, I smelled smoke outside.  When I dropped Adam off at school we joked about there being an evacuation - I told him, "No matter what, I will come and get you.  Right in this spot.  So don't leave, haha!"  Haha.  When I went home, Sam was up and out standing on top of the rock slide, he saw a lot of smoke and was nervous.  I thought the wind was blowing the other way. About 45 minutes later, this is what I saw in my front yard:

Although my neighbors were outside gawking at the smoke and visible flames, I felt like we needed to leave.  I was having trouble breathing because of that smoke, and I could see how fast those flames were moving.  And other than a track-hoe trailer, there were no fire trucks visible.  I started to get very nervous.  Went back into the house, told the kids to pack up things that were special to them, and load it into the truck.  Meg was still asleep, she evacuated in her pajamas!  I grabbed the computer (so many pictures are on it!) and all the valuables and threw them in the truck.  Sophie came out with her bike helmut on!  I don't know how the helmut was supposed to save her from flames, but she was ready.  I felt prompted to shut all the windows - lock them down.  We didn't even lock the doors!  We just left.  As we drove out of the neighborhood, we passed 11 fire trucks.  I was so glad to see them!  Also, just as we drove out of Dos Vientos, they closed Borchard Rd - the main entrance to our neighborhood.  We saw flames on every side.  

I felt prompted to drive straight to the high school.  I was missing one kid, and I wanted him with us.  I pulled into a parking spot right in front of the school, right where I had dropped Adam off that morning.  Almost immediately, I got a text from Adam that they were evacuating the school and could I come and get him...I said we were already there.  He was one of the first ones out, and I left immediately so I wouldn't get stuck in the traffic mess.  Then I realized that I had evacuated without any of our meds.  I had no idea how long we would have to be gone, and I had no idea if our house would be there after they got the fire contained.  I started to panic a little again (with my epilepsy and Adam's bipolar, we had to have those meds!) I started to get choked up, but then I was prompted to go to Target pharmacy to see if I could just get a few days worth of meds for me and Adam.  It took awhile, but they gave me 5 days worth.  I didn't even have to pay for them!  Target was being very good to evacuees.  Then I got a phone call from our Bishop...Bishop Jaggi, I was never so happy to hear his voice.  He asked if we got out, made sure we were all together and ok, and then told me that there were flames all around our house but he thought he saw them dump fire retardant in the area (he ended up being mistaken).  He told me that people were evacuating to the stake center.  When he said that, my panic immediately subsided.  Immediately.  I knew exactly where to go and what to do.  I knew that there would be Priesthood holders at the church who would be keeping track of the fire and would tell me when it was safe to go home.  It was a little weird taking the dogs into the church.  They didn't pee on anything, don't worry!  :)

After about 2 hours wandering around the church, talking to Chad on the phone (he was going crazy at work in Santa Barbara), and trying not to cry, I finally got some news.  The Bishop came up to me and said that one of the brethren in our ward had gone up to my house and could verify that it was still standing and undamaged.  He went around and locked all my doors in case of looting.  Shortly after that, a friend in the ward came up and told me that her husband, who is a lineman for S. CA Edison, was driving around and drove up to check on our house - he called her and told her to tell me everything was ok.  We don't live on the same street as anyone else in our ward...those guys went out to our house on purpose to make sure we still had a place to live.  With flames still all around, they were looking out for us and other ward members.  I love the Priesthood!

With two witnesses telling us it was ok, I decided to go home and pack up a few more things.  The fire was still burning in the hills nearby and I figured that we would have to sleep somewhere else.  But we needed clothes etc.  We snuck into the neighborhood via a fire road that was usually closed off with a barrier...amazingly, we didn't get stopped.  We drove home, passing fire trucks and police cars all the way.  When we went in our house, the smoke was so thick that we couldn't breathe.  The kids all used wet dish towels over their faces to be able to breathe.  It was so bad!  I grabbed some duffle bags, told the kids to pack clothes for two days, and then we left again and went straight to the Courtyard Marriott.  Amazingly (again) the manager at the front desk was a man we knew from Moorpark.  We explained what was happening, and he said he would give us a big discount and allow our dogs inside.  It was so great!  The rooms were nice, comfortable, and not at all smoky.  What a relief!  Plus the Books of Mormon in all the desks were a nice touch.  :)

There were a lot of people from our ward who evacuated to the Marriott.  And we all ended up at a nearby Chili's for dinner.  It was like a ward activity and great to be able to talk to everyone.  It was so wonderful to hear that not one member of our ward had a damaged home, and that everyone got out ok.  I was so happy to hear that!   I had trouble sleeping though.  I kept thinking about the fear I felt.  The worry that we would lose all our possessions.  Although we are renting, everything that is important to us is in this house.  Chad kept telling me that as long as we were all safe, everything else could be replaced.  I know that is true, but I kept thinking about the HUGE hassle it would be to deal with a burned out house...I knew we had been blessed.   

The next morning, I got up, went straight to Home Depot, and bought air purifiers.  Then we went home, hoping the smoke damage wouldn't be too bad, hoping nothing had happened in the night.  It was pretty bad inside but still much better than the day before.  Then the clean up began.  

My kids have never worked so hard in their lives.  There was a layer of ash on every surface and cinders on the floor by every door.  In the boys' rooms, there was a lot of ash - I think the wind was coming from that direction.  We vacuumed it all up and had to wash the bedding and such.  It took us hours, and we hadn't even started with outside.  The pool was full of cinders and ash.  And a dead rabbit in the bottom.  There were huge piles of ash and cinders in all the corners, and the wind had blown all of our lawn furniture against a fence.  That must have been some powerful wind!

Amazingly (again) I was able to reach my gardener and convince him to come out and use his leaf blower to get all the ash cleaned up.  I am so grateful for that man.  He worked out there for over 2 hours, wearing a mask, getting it all gathered up and into our trash can.  

About that time, Meg decided to go for a little walk into the hills and take some pictures of the damage. This is what she saw:

 A geocache, destroyed.  We didn't even know it was there.

 It wasn't until we saw these pictures that we realized just how close the flames came to our house.  It is like there was a protective shield around our house and yard!  There were a few little black spots inside our yard, but mostly it came right to the fence and then died.  I don't know why.  I think maybe the fire fighters lit back fires, or the helicopter dumped water on it.  But I do believe in miracles, and this was a HUGE one.

It rained two days after we went home.  The Lord sent a soft rain, enough to dampen the earth, put out the hot spots, and moisten our skin.  Not enough rain to cause a mud slide.  Another tender mercy.

This whole experience has been a lesson in the compassionate nature of the Lord.  He is aware of us and our needs.  It has been such a bad year so far, our family has struggled with so much.  But the Lord knows us.  Between Him and the fire fighters, our miracle occurred.  I am so filled with gratitude!  I know this is long but I wanted a record of all the tender mercies, promptings, and miracles that we experienced through this Springs Fire 2013.  Let it be a testimony to us and to our grandchildren.  God lives, loves us, and miracles still happen.

Oh, my heart!

Meg came home from BYU on Saturday.  The minute she walked in the door, a whole different spirit was ushered into our home and family.  There was music, and laughter, and joy.  Of all the things about Meg that I have missed the most, it is the music.  I can't convince anyone else in this family to sing or play their instruments.  Meg sings pretty much everywhere she goes...and it is beautiful.  Also, Meg is wonderful for Adam.  He is at ease with her and they can be social together.  Now that he is more stable, they are starting to get their friendship back, and it is a beautiful thing to see.  It warms my heart and but also makes it ache that in a month, she will be gone and that musical joy will be in Fiji instead of here.  I think I will cry every day.  Having a missionary is so bittersweet.  I love that she has such a strong testimony and wants to serve the Lord and His children.  But I ache with missing her.  What the heck, I am crying already and she hasn't even left.  :(((

Blessings

Last night my orthodontist hubby was recognized by a school PTA for donating $5000 worth of braces per year, to the school auction for the past 5 years.  They said that he single-handedly created 2 smart classrooms.  Which I assume is pretty expensive...and the funny thing is, after the dinner and awards ceremony, he was swamped by PTA people from multiple other schools who had also benefitted from the same types of donations but just hadn't formally recognized him.  And Chad was just embarrassed.  He never expected or wanted recognition.  This experience made me start to reflect on blessings in this life.  Our attitude toward donations has always been this:  the Lord has seen fit to bless us, so how could we be selfish with it?  And its true.  Although we have had challenges, and I have complained about them here and elsewhere, overall, we have been greatly greatly blessed.

I believe that all people are "blessed" with challenges in this life so that we can be humbled, and so that we can gain strength and stamina to endure to the end.  Each of us are given the challenges that are uniquely matched to our weaknesses.  I have a lot of weaknesses.  Self-pity, discouragement, and huge insecurities about how to be a good mom being some of them.  But I find strength and encouragement in scripture study, prayer, and the love and support of wonderful people.  So even in the midst of uncertainty, fear, and worry, I am overwhelmingly blessed.

Since Adam's diagnosis, I have noticed that the Lord has placed in my life one person after another who have experience with bipolar.  You wouldn't believe how many people that I know who have someone in their family that is bipolar.  I have been pretty shocked.  He has led me to articles, support groups, even U-tube videos, that inspire me to be more active in the bipolar community.  And most of all, He has given me 3 other wonderful children who, although being knuckleheads in many ways, are just joys in my life.  Adam is a joy too, in a different way.  When he is having a good day, and those rare moments of kindness show,  all I want to do is wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him.  Which might seem kind of weird after the incredible frustration the day before of him annoying the heck out of all of us!  That is patience.  It is also a blessing from the Lord.  Because I am not naturally a very patient person.  So I am learning.

I can see that a big thing that I need to work on is counting all my blessings.  Those tender mercies.  I'm on board!

Maybe our family is just socially awkward, we should embrace it.

Have you ever noticed that your kids behave differently at home with the family, than they do out in the big bad world?  My kids have been struggling with this phenomenon pretty much ever since preschool.  And I just never got it!  Are we cursed?

I grew up in a big family, the youngest of 6 kids.  My older siblings smoothed the way for me, looked out for me, and taught me by example, both good and bad.  I didn't have social problems beyond the usual ones.  And once I hit high school, I really blossomed.  I was a cheerleader (that was cool in those days), a gymnast, and homecoming princess my sophomore year.  I dated cute football players and smart intellectuals (who were also cute).  I felt well-adjusted and even...dare I say...popular.  I figured that pattern would be repeated in my future family.  But I saw a lot of stuff that the popular kids did to stay that way and I decided that popular wasn't that great.  Plus, I didn't like to play those games.  My senior year of high school was when I stopped really caring where I fit in with the crowd and did things my own way.  It was incredibly freeing.

A few years later, I married a man who had been a bit socially awkward and only had a few good friends (although you would never know that now!).  But he was happy and has no regrets.  He stopped socially caring very early on and embraced his smarts (that really attracted me!).  He has since chosen a career that requires A LOT of shmoozing and social skills.  So he really knows what he is doing...but he is confident and secure regardless.

And we had 4 kids.  Who, like other kids, cared very much.  But they were awkward.  Especially Adam, who was struggling with severe social anxiety and his bipolar disorder (although we didn't know it at the time).  I remember one time, watching him get out of the car for a Cub Scout pack meeting, and he literally changed his stance, the look on his face, and the way he walked.  He looked like a different kid.  And every time he came home, he was complaining about the other boys giving him grief.  Of course I talked to Scoutmasters, Primary teachers, teachers at school, and the parents of the other boys.  But it didn't ever stop.  We put the kid in 3 different elementary schools, and then home schooled him for three years.  The bullying became physical - he has had two concussions, and a broken finger from other boys pushing him down.  He was in therapy for two years and on meds for one before we got the diagnosis of Aspergers.  Which explained some of the social problems, but didn't stop the bullying.  All throughout this time, Adam would have major meltdowns at home (uncontrollable crying, curling up in a ball and rocking himself, running away - he still does all of that sometimes), which scared us but we thought it was part of the Aspergers.  Back to therapy and meds. Not Aspergers. The amount of money spent on therapy is mind boggling.  But at least we can afford it.  We feel so blessed for that!

Knowing what went on behind our closed doors, Meg was super protective of him to the point that she would tell off the other kids on a daily basis.  It totally ruined her social life.  But she was a little backwards too, in need of friends who would understand this drama and be supportive to her...it didn't happen.  She and Adam became best friends, depending on each other for that support.

Then Sam.  Sam is still young enough that we don't know exactly how he will turn out.  But most of his life, he has been understood better by adults than by his peer group.  He makes the kind of jokes and quotes movies, TV shows, and games, that nobody else gets.  The other kids roll their eyes at him.  He is also being home schooled and LOVES it.  When I mentioned him going back to school next year, he just froze.  I have watched him change into another kid when getting out of the car for Scouts.  And right after this move, he came home from his first Scout activity and said, "I'm just the nerd here again."  I told him to embrace it.

Sophie is totally hyper when she leaves home.  She runs around and hugs everyone else and talks constantly.  She does have friends but is the loudest of all of them.  I didn't notice that until I started running Activity Days.  She is the worst one of all of them...and I have 19 girls!  She is being home schooled too.

Here's the funny thing.  At home, when Adam is leveled out (not depressed or manic which is barely happening but I am so glad), things are relatively calm.  The kids are fine.  We get along.  We spend time together and support each other and have fun together.  We are a team.  No matter how bad Adam gets, he has us.  And no matter how bad Sam, Sophie, and Meg feel, they have each other and us.  People see Meg's incredibly loving posts on facebook and ask us what our secret is.  And here it is: All those years of social awkwardness brought us together like nothing else could...it was us against the world.

Our family is socially awkward, and we embrace it.  We are a team.

    

Prom time!

It's that time again - prom season!  Adam is feeling well enough to go...and I am so excited!  I have only done prom with Meg, so doing it with a son is a bit different.  Of course I am doing most of the work but that's ok.  He found a cute girl in our ward that is a friend.  And I'll make sure he gets a good run/bike ride in so he'll be a bit more mellow.
Anyway, Meg gave us such a cute idea for asking the girl!  We bought a little goldfish and the bowl and accessories, and put a laminated little sign in it.  And then he put it on her front porch and ran.

Of course, she LOVED it!  Who wouldn't? 

(And yes, her name is Cricket.  Well, really Amelia, but she goes by Cricket and it fits her.  

Little and energetic.)

Anyway, to say yes, she gave Adam a big box of fishy crackers and a card with a smily face balloon that said, "of all the fish in the sea, I'm glad you chose me!"  I love Mormon prom.  I love Meg for helping out so much...and she is also going to be taking all of our pictures with that expensive camera she got for Christmas.  (WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WHILE MEG IS ON HER MISSION???  Adam is so blessed to have Meg for a sister.)  

I don't know if Cricket knows about the bipolar but they are going with a group of guys from the quorum who know all about it and they will keep an eye on Adam.  And the meds seem to be working ok so far.  Fingers crossed!

That one thing we're lacking

Yesterday was General Conference.  It was also my birthday, and Chad must have threatened the kids within an inch of their lives because there was absolute peace for most of the day.  I don't know how Adam held it together, haha!  But, I so appreciated it because it allowed me to feel the Spirit.  And what I realized is that we have not really had the Holy Ghost in our home in months.  MONTHS!!!  No wonder everyone has been so miserable!  There has been so much contention going on, and so many negative thoughts and fear and worry, it is no wonder.  It was like a refreshing drink of restorative water to sit and listen to the inspired words of our leaders, and I soaked it all up like a sponge.  I found that the despair that I often feel was replaced with hope and a calming peace that I have missed so badly!  Plus so many of the talks were pretty much just for me.  When Elder Holland spoke about the father of the sick boy who went to the Savior and begged for healing for his son...when he quoted that father saying, "Lord, I believe; help me my unbelief." I was so touched because that is me.  All of it.  And that wasn't the only talk that resonated with me.  It was a wonderful day, and I look forward to the peace and Spirit that will come as I reread those talks.

So, my goals have been changed a little bit.  Instead of trying so hard to control my kids' behavior with reward and punishment only, I will try super hard to have the Holy Ghost in our home first.
And that starts with me.
As I listened to conference yesterday, of course, as always happens, things were brought to my mind that I need to improve.  I was made aware that I need to work on praying on my knees, and for the right things.  I need to read my scriptures more meaningfully and often.  I need to react with patience and love.  And I need to have more faith.  To trust that the Atonement applies to my fears and worries, and so much of what I have been despairing about can be turned over to the Savior.  He loves us and understands what our family is going through - it is a refining fire but the most important thing is that we are not in this alone.  Big happy sigh.  This is such a wonderful realization!
We need to make sure we are having FHE more regularly, and try to control our tempers when the kids get distracted (usually with the dogs) and just take a deep breath.  We need to strive to have better scripture study with our kids at night.  We have been very regular in this, but often we end up praying with a tinge of anger because of that frustration when somebody bugs somebody else (wedgies).  No Spirit there, in spite of our efforts!  We need to go to the temple more often, and fulfill our callings faithfully and without complaint.
And I need to do a better job cooking healthy dinners and serving them on time.  I think that one will be the hardest change!
When I have done all I can do, I will to let go and let God.

Depression

I got a new phone, because my old one was misbehaving, and as I was cleaning out my photo collection (over 500!) I came across some vids that I had taken about 1 1/2 years ago. As I watched them, I felt so sad. Adam was so different then. He wanted to do what is right!  He listened to me!  He was happy!  He annoyed his siblings, but he wasn't malicious. I MISS THAT BOY SO BADLY!
I don't know the Adam we live with now. And I don't know how, or if it is even possible to get him back. I don't know if I am in denial or if there is hope. All I know is that the son I knew and loved so well is gone.  And in his place is this negative jerk, who can't be nice to anyone. Me, least of all. He breaks my heart every single day. I can't bear it.

And then I think of my other kids. Meg, who is my bestie. Who went through the temple with us last weekend in preparation for her mission. Who is solid and dependable and beautiful.
Sam, who has a tender heart and so much love. He tries to comfort me by making good decisions and being very responsible.
Sophie, who is full of vibrancy and energy. Who is solid in her testimony and very very stubborn about it. She'll whack me for saying crap.
I'm their mom too.