Two things I am working on that are taking up my entire life:

First, I have been feeling like a terrible mom.  While working so hard to get Adam stabilized, I have let everything else go.  Sam and Sophie (when not doing schoolwork or P.E.) are on the computer and TV and not being productive.  Chores have not been done for months (and I am doing the work instead).  I feel like no one is listening to me and my house is generally out of control.  I am yelling a lot and parenting with emotion and not using logic.

So, Chad and I had a long discussion about it all and we came up with some ideas.  Reward for good behavior, removing the reward when there is bad behavior.  Extra reward if the original reward is earned and good behavior maintained all day.  For example:  We have 8 rules.  One of them is to listen and obey the first time.  The reward for keeping all the rules all day is "fun time"(video game, TV, and computer time), and if they earn all their "fun time" for the week then they get some $$$ (most kids get allowance anyway, mine don't).  We also came up with tons of money-earning chores.  With this money, they pay tithing, put half in savings, and get to spend the rest on whatever they want, including candy and junk food (I'm not buying anymore of it, I shouldn't be eating it anyway).
I hope it works.  And I hope I can remember it all because I am notoriously bad at parenting logically.  I usually work off emotion and it really doesn't work.  And I just find myself crying and complaining.  This will be a new experience for us all.  I fully expect Adam to have a huge hissy fit and push against every rule he can.  It will be miserable and I am not looking forward to it.  Groan.  But, here we go.

Second, I put on a lot of weight while struggling with Adam's stability.  I was stressed and emotional and in survival mode.  And really, I just barely got out of that mode about a week ago!  But, we have family pictures coming up and they will likely be the last ones for years because Meg is going on her mission, and then (hopefully) Adam will be going.  I do not want to be this fat for these pictures.  They will be hanging on our wall for years to come.  I have 8 weeks, and I want to lose as much as I can in those 8 weeks.  I also want to be able to run again.  I have had second and third opinions and also visited a good sports chiropractor, and the theory is that if I really work on strengthening my core (even when I was thin, I never worked on my core), then it will be able to prop up my back better and keep the nerve from being pinched.  So I hired a trainer and told her that I need to work on core strength, and I need her to check in with me every day to make sure I am getting some cardio in, and counting my calories properly.  She isn't overly enthusiastic (not a good cheerleader), so I don't think I will stay with her when my contract runs out.  But hopefully by then we will have made some serious progress and I will be able to continue what she has taught me.  I won't run until I have lost at least 25 lbs.  I don't want to injure the back again.  That will take up all of those 8 weeks and probably more.  Maybe by summer, I will be able to run a little bit.    But a little bit is better than none.  I loved running.  I miss it so bad, mentally and physically!  I really hope this plan works!  I've been doing it for a week, and I lost 6 lbs (!!!) last week.  Giddy up, Laura, here we go!  

Now, if only Adam would get completely stable and be able to function normally.  Our biggest problem with him right now is his jerk-ness.  And how to tell if it is the bipolar or just a teenager with a very bad attitude.  Very difficult.

Wish me luck!

What a difference a week makes!

At the risk of this turning into an Adam-only blog, I am posting another one about him.  But I promise that I will at least mention my three other wonderful beloved children!

Let me just tell you about this week so far.  Adam went back to school yesterday (Monday).  When I picked him up, he was HAPPY!!!  I asked him how his day was, and he said, "fine".  (!!!!!)  When he got home, he went for a bike ride (!!!), then got out his Eagle paperwork (he only has to finish up the paperwork and schedule his Board of Review before he can get the dang thing, and I told him he better hurry up and get the Eagle before BSA starts accepting gay scout leaders in May because if they do, I quit BSA.  I hate the whole stupid bureaucratic system anyway.) and started looking at what he needed to get done!!!!!  Then he looked all over the house until he found his scout book and the binder with all his blue cards.  Then he was nice to Sam!!!  And this morning, he got up for seminary!!!  I am so crossing my fingers that this lasts because he is happy, and so are we!

BTW, I didn't mention that Meg got her mission call to Fiji, one of the main reasons that she is going (she says) is so that our family (Adam) will be blessed.  She is such an angel and I am convinced that when I volunteered to mother Adam, the Lord said, "Ok, you can have Megan then.  You're going to need her."  And Meg and I were excited because we were best friends in the pre-existence.  It resonates with me so let it be.

I am homeschooling Sam and Sophie.  It has been great with Sam, but Sophie is going back to public school next semester.  I get the theory behind homeschooling, but I have been so overwhelmed with my life lately that I have not been able to give her the attention she needs.  I feel like I am failing her.  The reason why Sam has been good is that he is doing it all online.  When he needs help, he calls a teacher on the phone.  It is great, he loves it, and he is getting GREAT grades.  He is a self-starter and that makes it all so much easier.  I want to give each of my kids everything that they need to succeed in life, and recognizing that they each have different needs, I am hopping all the time.  If I just didn't love them all so darn much!  Haha.

Well, back to work!

Hell

4 months ago, Adam was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.  Of course, with an early diagnosis of Aspergers, we saw a lot of weird behaviors from Adam ever since he was little, but never anything like his behavior the beginning of November.  He became increasingly talkative, to the point that he wouldn't let anyone else say a word, and then after some particularly stressful situations, he stopped making sense, and started claiming that he was super efficient and could think two thoughts at the same time, among other things.  His facial expressions were different.  I felt like I didn't even know my own kid.  It scared the pants off of us, and I immediately called the psychiatrist that Adam had been seeing for depression and anxiety.  Miraculously, I was able to get him in the very next day, while he was still manic, and the diagnosis was easy.  Furthermore, the doctor told me that Adam had been misdiagnosed with Aspergers.  He said that the whole time Adam had been seeing him, that he doubted that diagnosis.  As I look back, I can see the bipolar symptoms popping up all of Adam's life.  Most of them had to do with social situations, which was the main reason the doctors thought it was Aspergers.  Anxiety triggers the manic/depressive episodes, and Adam's worst anxiety is in social situations.  Compounded by years of physical and emotional bullying, in places and situations where he was supposed to feel safe.  Adam has grown up feeling like he can't do anything right, and no matter how hard he tried to fit in, he still couldn't control that anxiety, which made him act weird, which made the other kids uncomfortable, which led to bullying.  A relentless, destructive cycle.  And my heart aches when I think about what all of that did to my mentally and emotionally fragile son.  Of course, at the time, nobody knew just how mentally fragile he was.  We could only base it on his behavior, and that behavior wasn't always so great, and sometimes felt downright manipulative.  I'm so glad I home schooled him through middle school.  He at least got a small reprieve during the week then, although Sundays and Scout activities were still torture. Even so, there is a huge part of me that feels to blame for everything that happened to Adam.  Why didn't we move sooner?  We were so afraid of making things worse with other people, with making a scene, that we made them worse for our son.  Yes, there are good things that we learned and gained through experiencing those years, but were they worth it?  I don't know.  I will second-guess our decisions forever.
But at least Adam was diagnosed before he could make a complete ruin of his life.  Most bipolar people go through 10-15 years from first bipolar episode until diagnosis is made.  They see an average of 4 different psychiatrists before a diagnosis is finally made.  Bipolar can look like a lot of different things, and it is often misdiagnosed.  So we are blessed, in a twisted way.  Most bipolar people get into substance abuse, unsafe sexual experiences, and reckless behavior in general.  Adam hasn't done that.  Well, his driving is a bit reckless, but otherwise, he's ok.  And his grades are still good.  So maybe he has screwed up his friendships, but that's about it, and that can be worked on.  Thankfully, we live in a good ward, with a great bishop, and a big Priest quorum.  In that quorum, there is an openly gay kid and some kids with learning disabilities. If he plays this right, Adam will be ok on that front.
The trick is playing it right.
The biggest problem with bipolar disorder is getting the meds right.  It takes FOREVER to get the meds right.  Some people go years having to change meds around until they find the right cocktail that works for them.  And no two bipolar people are the same, so it is just hit and miss until it works.  My prayers are always that we will find the meds that work sooner rather than later.  Until then, Adam experiences such severe mood swings that he has either seriously considered the possibility of running for US president, or seriously contemplated suicide.  He spent last weekend in a mental health facility on suicide watch.  What?!  But they changed his meds, and now, just one week later, he is bopping around, playing Halo with friends, and trying to talk me into letting him get a job so he can buy a Mini.  (that's not manic.  that's teenager.  I'm happy.)
So, yes, bipolar is hell.  And once you get in a good place with the bipolar, then there is all the social stuff that we have to deal with...people are really scared of mental health issues.  Especially with all the shootings and horrible things that have happened at the hands of mentally ill people.  There is such a stigma...understandably.  But the truth is, if mentally ill people got the help they needed, there wouldn't be violence like that.  With the right meds, mentally ill people recover all the time.  In fact, there are more people around you who have mental illness than you would ever believe.  If you took the manic out of bipolar, then you would have depression and anxiety.  And how many people do you know who are on Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc. for depression and anxiety?!  I rest my case.
I pray every day that Adam can recover from this.  That he will get on the right meds, and keep taking his meds, even when he feels better, and that all the therapy will help him get past all his damaged past.  I love that boy so much.  I just want him to be happy, and live as normal of a life as possible.  I will do everything it takes to make that happen.  Everything.  Including living through hell.
  

      

Partied out!

We had a birthday party for Adam on Thursday.  He insisted that he wanted a sweet sixteen party even though he left for XC camp and EFY within days of his actual birthday.  I was willing but had some misgivings.  Meg never had a sweet sixteen party.  I felt so guilty about that that I took her to London in June.  Which was fun and amazing but she had PMS and was right on the edge all the time, exacerbated by the marvelous (not!) weather and jetlag.  So not exactly the same as a big party, but I digress.
I wondered how a party for Adam would go.  Haven't had good luck with those in the past.  But, I heated the pool, rented some lights, bought pizza, candy, soda, cake.  Hooked up music.  Lit the fire pits.  And the kids started showing up...and showing up...and showing up until we had 28 kids there!  It was amazing.  And everybody seemed to have a great time.  Meg said that there was segregation between the NP kids and the MPK kids, which was kind of sad but probably to be expected. Just the fact that everybody showed up was pretty great.  Adam loved it, and actually, so did Megan.  Those MPK2 (and some lovely girls from MPK1) kids are so awesome.  They are really the ones who gave Adam what he needed to build his confidence and hone some social skills.  He wouldn't be who he is today without them.  I hope they know how much I appreciate them.  Of course, they created a beast (haha), which has opened a whole new can of worms, but I can deal with it!  Its a happy can of worms!

This house was built for parties.  The backyard is a total party yard.  I have had to stretch my social wings a bit and we have truly had one party after another.  Friends over almost every day.  Sunday dinners with guests practically every week (those are killing me, cooking stresses me out.  I'd rather bake any day!).  It is so much fun!  Lots of great changes, such a blessing to be here.  I am even more assured that the Lord has a hand in all things, and if we exercise faith in Him, it will all work out.  Now if the dang hives would just go away.

Thoughts of the day

Adam with BYU Cross Country Head Coach Ed Eyestone. Adam has been gone for 1 week and 2 days. He went to UT for cross country camp at BYU, what an awesome opportunity for him to meet some awesome runners, I am so excited for him! It really helped him catch the running bug, I am really looking forward to this season. He'll be running for a new team this year, Newbury Park High School...that could be bad, or good, depending on how you look at it. But I think it will be good. He will have the opportunity to run Varsity if he works hard. Anyway, this week he is at EFY and so won't come home until Saturday. I have missed him. Especially when I need something heavy lifted, haha. On the other hand, things have been so much quieter around here...

 I don't know what it is about me that makes me a chronic worrier. Chad loves saying that if there isn't anything to worry about, I worry about that! And he is right! I feel anxiety almost every day, about all kinds of things, stupid things and not so stupid things.
 Today I am worried about my sister, who I called this morning and asked to take Adam to the airport, and she was crying but wouldn't tell me why.
 I am worried about all the repairs that need to be done on all our houses - two rentals in Moorpark and the one we're living in.
 I am worried about the remaining annoying boxes that need to be unpacked. Trying to find new places for old stuff...well, that is kind of a fun worry.
 I am worried about Sam finding friends. He is the only kid who is struggling with fitting in here. I hate one of my kids suffering social angst, but all kids seem to suffer social angst at some stage of their lives. And Sam is such an odd kid, going through such an odd stage in his life. 12 is tough. And man, is he annoying - constantly quoting movies, books, and video games (and I don't get ANY of them)! I need to be more patient with him.
 I am worried about getting my butt out on the road. I have really gotten out of the habit of exercising regularly and my sanity and my butt show it. I hate the butt, and I doubt if I would need to list out these worries if I were working up a sweat more often. However, I can't do much without my sciatica acting up and that makes it hard. I am thinking of getting a second opinion...my neurologist said that I just need to stop anything that makes it hurt, the chiropractor told me that I need to get adjusted three times a week, buy the vitamins and minerals that he sells that are super expensive and not covered by insurance, and get counseling for negative energy and emotions. Yeah, right. Something tells me that he just wants to make money.
I can bike. I just need to do it.
I am worried that my hives will never go away. I am hiving almost constantly these days. I hoped it would get better after I got us all settled but they are worse. I started taking Benedryl in addition to the zyrtec/zantac cocktail twice a day. It makes me drowsy but has been helping somewhat. The constant itching makes me really ornery and I've been yelling way more often than necessary.
 So I am worried that I'm yelling too much and my kids will suffer for it.
 I am worried about getting Megan all ready for college. Need to make a list and start getting things checked off. I can't believe how fast the time is rushing by, and I know I will miss her but be excited for her at the same time.

 But, guess what? Fall is coming! My all-time favorite season! I look forward to Fall all year around. And this year, I get to go to UT for Conference and spend some time with Megan and Mama and maybe if I'm lucky, some sisters. I'll get a look at the fall foliage in an area that actually gets some real Fall weather. I'm excited about that! And after I drop Megan off at college, Mama is coming to stay with us for a few weeks! She will keep my mind off missing Megan. Plus I feel like I should be spending as much time with my Mama as I can, she isn't getting any younger.

 We are told by apostles and prophets that where there is faith, there is no need to fear. I am working on my faith. I have been practicing turning things over to the Lord - this whole move was an exercise in faith and is turning out to be mostly great. And I know that if I trust in God and have faith that everything will turn out to be good for us, then there won't be nearly as much to worry about.

 As President Hinkeley said, “Things work out, it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out, don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers.”

 I will do my best, it will all work out.

Big big big year

2012 has been the biggest year for our family so far. In Feb. Sophie got baptized.
In April, Megan turned 18.
 In June, Megan graduated from Moorpark High, and we went to London for 9 days. Also in June, Sam turned 12 and was ordained a Deacon. 
In July (next week), we are moving to Newbury Park.
 Also in July, Adam will be turning 16 and getting his driver's license, and be ordained a Priest.
 In August, Chad and I celebrate our 20 year wedding anniversary.
 Also in August, we will be taking Megan off to BYU. And who knows what will happen after that! Hopefully things will slow down a bit after that.

 The move. Everybody wants to know what prompted us to move. Truth is, I have been praying for over 4 years for a way to move, but when the economy crashed, we lost all the equity in our houses so we couldn't afford to sell. Then one day a few months ago, a friend called about renting our other house, and in a flippant comment, said, "or the one you're living in now!" It was like a lightening strike. I immediately started doing my homework - what would this do to our taxes, what it would cost to move into a comparable home, and where homes were available. I had to work to sell Chad on the idea, but it didn't take long. After a month of frustration when we couldn't find a home anywhere, we just decided to leave it up to the Lord. He knew what would be best for our family.
And a few weeks later (while I was in London), Chad called and said that he found a perfect home in Newbury Park. That was the LAST place he wanted to move, but we feel good about it, and when you leave something up to the Lord, you take what He hands you. Its going to be great. The house is bigger than our current house, with a backyard like a resort. Its closer to the office.
And the ward.
We haven't even attended the ward yet, and our kids have already made friends. Megan and Adam went to NP youth conference and met a bunch of kids...Adam especially hit it off with a kid there and they are already best friends. Hallelujah, finally! I don't know why the Lord didn't show us a way to move sooner, because I knew if we could just get Adam and Megan in with a different group of kids, they would be fine. Everyone in the entire family is excited about this move. It will be a fabulous new start for us and I am so happy.
Every day, I see amazing answers to prayers and feel such peace. Its a beautiful place to be. But of course, there is stress too, as with any move. Once we get all moved in, its going to be a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to decorating the place.
I feel so blessed. My hubby is such a great provider for our family and that allows us a lot of freedom that we wouldn't otherwise have. My kids love each other and enjoy spending time together. Many nights, all 6 of us pile up together on our big bed, playing games on various iPads and iPhones, and laughing at each other. And I get text messages from Megan AND Adam all the time, telling me that they love me. I don't think that is the norm, for teenagers. I love it.

So its been the biggest year for our family, but its going to end up being a fabulous year!

Mother's Day 2011

Great Mother's Day this year:

1) Chad baked cinnamon and orange rolls (Pillsbury) for breakfast. Which I ate while getting ready for church. I dislike breakfast in bed...the crumbs in the sheets are annoying.

2) Sophie and Sam gave me the gifties that they made at school - Sophie's bejeweled butterfly pin (seen pinned on my shirt above) was beautiful and she assured me that there were 52 jewels on it!!! I wore it to church. It matched my dress. Loved it! Sam made me a picture frame which needs a picture of us - I'll have to get working on that right away.

3) The kids hugged me and sang to me and linked arms with me during the whole of church. And colored cards for me.

4) I came home to a delicious dinner of pot roast, vegetables, rolls, and a special surprise, yams and apples (complete with marshmallows on top) heh heh, and peanut butter chocolate ice cream. I didn't have to prepare it and I didn't have to clean up. Except for the crock pot and dessert dishes. Those were in the sink this morning.

5) I got to sit on the porch swing, smelling the honeysuckle that is blooming like crazy in the backyard, and chatting with my Mama for over an hour. I love that lady!

6) Then, I got to wear a very special crown, made by Sophie, out of printer paper, plastic spoons, and blue flowers glued to bobby pins (left over from Megan's prom hair ensemble), while I opened my gifts. An electric can opener, some candles, 3 packs of gum, the game "Farkel", a new shower head, and some really sweet cards from my hubby and kids. It was great!

7) And the very best part of the whole day??? NO FIGHTING!!!

The day ended with a little tiny bit of mother's guilt...can't really have a Mother's day without it...but I got over it pretty quickly. I had a great day! Thanks, Chad, who headed the whole thing up - he is really wonderful with holidays. And my much-loved kids who held in their annoyance with each other until today. Love you guys!